I don't know...

My English teachers always said the title to a piece sometimes doesn't come until it's written....

There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....

So I don't know seems appropriate.

I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend.  I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.

"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked.  I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.

"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."

I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist....  Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....

The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....

Everyday, we walk around with masks....  Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything.  There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl....  There's the fiercely independent mask.  It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.

I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...

But it's kind of a half mask....

It's hiding the masochist...

And I'm not really sure why.........

I know it took me a while to embrace it.  I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone.  I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....

Well that's not true....

There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....

There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...

There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....

There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...

But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.

She's not the most.....

I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...

But that's not true.

I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing.  She knows where yellow is.  She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...

It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.

I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....

I remember my very first scene in a public space.  I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too.  While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down.  I'd never been high before off of endorphins...

And I did not like it....

I was not in control.

I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head.  I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.

That came back to me on Friday.  I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...

But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....

And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding.  I couldn't get back....

And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to.  "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.

That was even harder.  I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...

And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....

So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.

"You're here... with me.  You don't have to come back till you're ready to."

But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....

And the tears kept coming.  I couldn't come back.  I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.

It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high.  The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time.  And they couldn't handle it.

Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate).  I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.

I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.

The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.

By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down.  We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.

It was nice.....

Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....

It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*