Individuality...

So I've got homework from therapy... So you're all going to be subjected to bits of it :-)

We were talking about dating sites... As often happens. I was worried that people pick to date me only based on a) having a fat girl fetish or b) having a black girl fetish. 

I said I wished I was more average, less out of the norm.  If I was just average in anyway, it would have to be my personality (as expressed over the Internet) that attracted people. 

And so my shrink said, in true shrink fashion, "Well, why can't people have a preference for you? And why would you want to blend in, become something you're not?"

Ugh

That's hard to think about. 

I didn't even really thing about it... It just came out of my mouth. 

So I kind of looked at it from the other side... Do I have preferences????

Well I tend to date white, husky guys about 5'10" to 6'4" in height. It's not a hard, fast rule, but that seems to be who I'm attracted to. 

But those are things that no one judges. White dudes of average height who are not skinny....

Being black, female, and fat has a lot of baggage with it. How do you separate out people who have a type, and are attracted to the entire person, from people who are in someway just fetishizing the particular attribute?

And why is that my first thought? I can't really recall anything in my past where that happened to me.  

But then I end up with other fears.... Will I get even less attention if I lose weight??? Do I only get what I do get now based on being cute and chubby? In my head I know it's not really true, but it doesn't mean that someplace in my heart, it rings a bit too true. 

So why do I want to blend in? What's so hard about being an individual?? I don't know yet...

Good thing I have another week till therapy. 

Boundaries

So last night this didn't come up in my head is the idea of boundaries...

But it's front and center right now.

How do you set up the proper boundaries so that work for you... especially when they're not ones you really want?

Day to day... I get up, go to work, pay my bills, and am generally an adult.

Deep inside, though, I have some desires that are not consistent with those day to day goals.

.........

If you're here, you probably know what kind of dirty girl I really am, but there's an even deeper, sicker level that makes me totally hot.....


And maybe one day I'll write about it....


So anyway that level is there.... and there are people who have access to it....

And it's damn hot.

It seems like that part of me is overwhelming... that that's the part that "truly" me...

I think it's just the part that doesn't get let out often enough so it's always looking for ways to escape.

It truth... it's part of me, an important part... but it's not all of me....

And having a boundary around it isn't a bad thing.

.............

What I've got to figure out is how to feed that part of me, without sacrificing the rest of me.  Let's have fun and be dirty and be at someone else's beck and call.... sometimes.

I can't (shouldn't?) do that all the time.  I'm more complex than just that part of my brain.  How often (and with whom) can that side get let out?  How much can I do to play in that mindset without it making me want to stay there longer than is healthy?  Can I do long term...... BLANK in that mindset without if affecting other parts of me?  Can I let someone control BLANK TWO (which is totally hot) without it affecting the rest of my life?

Two blogs in a row.. more questions than answers....

The Conundrum...

I can't promise that this will make any sense...

My brain has been going around in circles on this for a while. It was confusing enough that I had a bit of a depressed day while my brain processed it all. So, expect several posts on similar topics as it all comes out of my brain. 

In general and with my therapist, I've been looking at dating in general and I what I want I'm a partner. 

It's been really hard to come up with even the most basic characteristics that I want in a partner. I'm really afraid of being picky. My shrink assures me that I'm not being picky. Picky, she said, would be me saying a guy has to be between 5'10" and 5'11". I'm afraid wanting someone intelligent would be too picky of me even when I mean someone I could talk to, not someone with a degree from a particular university. 

Sometimes I feel for her... She has to deal with me and my brain...

So look out in the future for a blog post about qualities...

I think the more pressing conundrum in my brain is a little more complex...

I'm poly. Or so I think. 

I've only had one traditional, monogamous relationship. We dated senior year of high school through junior year of college. He was a year older, so we were long distance the entire time. 

Since then I've had various types of non-monogamous relationships: fwb, secondary, play partners, etc.  

The question I'm facing is why. I've got a couple of different things I'm looking at:

1) I'm poly. Yay. I work better with multiple relationships. The whole primary thing doesn't work for me. I'm better with my own alone time and seeing people when I want to.

2) I'm not poly. I don't think I deserve to be someone's one and only so I accept and make due with whatever comes my way. 

3) A bit of both (cause I like Star Lord a lot).

I know that it's most likely option 3: some sort of combination of the first two. So I guess the more important question is what is the ratio. 

Questions like what kind of poly set up do I want/need, what depth of partnership am I looking for, and where do I find people like that all swirl around in my head...

I don't think I've got answers right now.... But maybe I'm at least starting to figure out the questions...