Connection

(I wrote this on the airplane but my iPad lost the draft... I think I know what I wrote...).

For my trip back to SF, I rented Pacific Rim from iTunes to watch.  I enjoyed it.  It's giant robots vs aliens, right up my alley.

I can see why there are some feminist critiques of the film, but the one thing I was left with was the idea of connection...

Wouldn't it be damn awesome to drift into someone's brain?

And then I realized that's what submission is for me...

Not bottoming, not an exchange of sensation, but submitting.

When submitting, all of the barriers are down.  I'm vulnerable, open, and truly my authentic self.

The barriers are actually still there, but I'm no longer in charge of them.  I've invited someone else inside the walls that keep the world out, and now they're maintaing the barriers, keeping me safe and being with me... as I am... with all the doubts, fears, and insecurities that aren't apparent on the outside.

It's really invigorating when you let someone in.  That connection is addicting.

I talk a lot about wanting a primary... but I think it's that connection that I'm seeking.  I have partners that I get that with now, but it's not an often occurrence.

There are other partners where it's just sex or bottoming.  I realized why they're tiring...

'Cause it's a middle ground....

The walls aren't fully up but they aren't fully down.  That's a weird place and it takes more energy in the end to manage that.

Eventually I should probably take some of the walls down... but damn are they useful....

Just a little bit maniac....

So last night I ranted about shopping.

All day I felt a little bit out of it.

I was hyper focused... I got so much work done.

I had very little patience for anything and ended up ranting at my mom along the lines of last night's blog post.

As I sat around, I started thinking of 5 things I needed to do and 3 blog posts that needed to be written...

And then it hit me....

This is what my mania feels like.

The first time I was diagnosed with mania, it was chemically caused.  I was in grad school and the wanted to up my anti-depressants (here's you sign that grad school is no good for you).  I went from 40mg to 60mg and everything seemed fine and dandy.

I went in for a follow up a month later, and I noticed my doc was asking all kinds of new questions.

"I think," she said "that this is too much medication and you've gone slightly maniac"

I was shocked.  I thought of mania as the opposite of depression.. happy and energetic and just the inability to regulate that.

My mania is what I like to call catastrophizing at the speed of light.... the world is going to end tomorrow and I've got a mile long to-do list before it happens.

I ended up on 6 weeks of a mood stabilizer in order to break the cycle.  I can tell you, that was some of the best sleep I ever got.  I was sooooo sad when I had to give up that med (it kind of makes your body think its diabetic so you can't be on it for long periods of time).

So this isn't that bad... but it's enough to have me stop and think about it...

So I've had dinner.. I'm going to do 3 or 4 things and then turn off all the lights and rest....

Tomorrow is a new day.

Fat Girl Shopping

Lots of stores do these coupons... spend $50, get $25 off of $50 at some future point.

I earned one at the local Torrid and today was the last day to use them so J and I went over to look at cute clothes.

Well as cute as plus size clothes get...

So we go to pay and the staff is really apologetic... the internet to the shopping center went down so they were having to process everything by hand and call in for verifications.

I didn't mind waiting and the staff was pleasant.

It wasn't until walking out that I realized what was weird.....

No one cared.

I mean people had to wait a LONG time in line and the staff was very good about apologizing...

But no one got upset...

No one left...

And as I was walking to the car, I turned to J...

"It's 'cause it's the only place we can go.... that's why no one was upset at the line."

And it's true...

I can shop at Lane Bryant, Torrid, some places online, and certain big box stores (if they actually have a plus size section in the store).

That's it.

You see another plus size woman on the street... and you at least recognize one or two things in her ensemble from the store, if not from your own closet.

I've never known anything else....  I remember being so upset as a kid when you didn't go from the large in the children's section to the small in the teen's section (What do you mean they don't start over??).

I in fact once had a freak out when I was seriously losing weight.

Where do you shop once the plus size clothes are too big?

It's too many options....

It's so scary and strange and unknown.

I'm not used to choice... I'm used to feeling like I lucked out 'cause I found *one* thing.

I realized that my wardrobe is starting to fall apart.  I haven't really shopped for clothes since I got my current job after grad school...

January marks my 3 year anniversary of this job.

I'm down to 3 or 4 pairs of jeans that fit...  The ones you barely can get into in the morning but after wearing them all day are a bit too loose in the waist.

Having to replace things seems horribly frightening.  It's so much money (with no coupon jeans are at least $50 a pair) and they're not going to fit... you settle for the ones that are the *closest* to fitting.

The jeans I have now... I at least *know* how they're not going to fit.

That pair is gonna hang off my waist too much... gotta wear a long shirt with them.

That one makes my ass look good.... but I won't be able to breathe comfortably for the first hour I'm in them.

Can't wear those too often.  They're the best fitting ones but the other two just like them died of chub rub and I want to keep those nice for as long as I can.

I also realized, while trying on clothes, just how ill fitting so many of the clothes are.

Yea I'm big... but I have a waist... like an actual waist.  Like the middle of me is significantly smaller than the top or the bottom....

Just 'cause I'm big doesn't mean I'm uniformly big all the way through....

But, you know, I got two cute skirts from last season for cheap and a nightie that I hope to wear to the club some time....

But then I look at the shirt I wear every other week to work.... and dread the day that it finally dies and I have to worry about replacing it.... it took so much good karma to find that one...

It's why I have the same thing in all the colors it came it.... if it fit and looks good, get as many of them as you can....

I said no...

... to sex.

I hadn't heard from him since he left Wednesday morning.

I get a text today while I was watching the hockey game. He wanted to come over later (he was out with friends). "Later" meant sex at midnight.

I said I had an early morning and begged off.

I feel like I might need to end this soon. I just reslly don't feel up to casual sex with him.

There are two parts to that: casual and with him.

I get non "Big R" relationship sex from other people (waves to those partners who read this blog), but I get more from them than I do from him. I get companionship and kisses and making out and beatings and bitings....

It's like why keep him around for "ok" sex.... He is more available than the rest.... And maybe I could mold him.....

But is it worth it? Maybe I should just talk to him and see if maybe he's interested in more.... But is that something you ask? Shouldn't I know if he wanted more already?

The fact that have a serious conversation with him seems so odd to me is probably my answer.....

5am sex

Ok... So it wasn't 5am....

Tuesday night I was talking to boy (age appropriate one) and he suggests coming over after work to cuddle.

He's working grave yard this quarter so "after work" is 5-5:30 am.

I agreed and said to call me when he got off of work.

So he called and got here around 5:45 am. He got naked and crawled into bed.

Oh..... I forgot that in boy speak "cuddle" meant "sex."

The sex was good.... but damn am I *not* a morning person...

I used to joke that if you're waking me up early, sex is the only good reason.....

I now think that sex isn't a good enough reason either.

Like I said, I enjoyed it... but I wouldn't do it again... if that makes sense.

I like this boy... as a friend. I don't really see him as being more than that.... and that's what I want...


MORE

Dinner

Yes I went to Disneyland again.  No I don't have a problem :-P

While I was down in LA I finally got to have dinner with a friend/friend's boyfriend who lives in LA.  The food was great but the company was greater.

We were sitting and chatting and, as people in our circles are apt to do, we started discussing our relationship configurations.

"Oh I've got great people I play with and then this one boy that I'm seeing... but he's really busy...  I'd really like to have someone to like watch sports with and cuddle with on (the rare) rainy days."

My friend paused...

"You know you deserve that, right?"

And I stopped.

So he kept going.  "Your new boy... have you gone out on like a date?"

And I sat and thought.... "Well," I started, "we've gone out to eat together."

"Going out pre/post coitus 'cause you need food doesn't count," came the quick reply.

"Oh....."

It's funny to realize these things....

I guess I really do give myself short shift a lot.

***********

And now for something completely different.  We were talking about families and I remarked that I read 50 Shades of Grey after my mom and my aunt read it and were asking me questions.  He had never read it and had a question for me.

Many people talk about how it's unrealistic and how you'll never find a Dom in a couple of days and be collared immediately.

I totally agree with that.... in real life....

But have you read ANY romance novels?  All kinds of non-realistic things happen.

I'm not saying they're good books.  There are all kinds of things wrong with them (mostly the writing is terrible), but they're romance books.... erotic romance books.  I think saying that things happen too quickly, too perfectly for it to be a good book ignores the genre.... THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS!  Do you want to read a romance novel where they date for 5-6 years and then get married... or one where they meet and are friends for 5 years and then go on a date and they maybe have sex?  Nope.... well... not for me at least ;-)

Monogamy and Me

It hasn't taken a full week to process +Mollena Williams's classes from this weekend... but I think some stuff is coming up.

In the playing with strangers class, Mo talked about knowing your needs, wants, and desires.

After some really deep thought, I really think that I get my wants and desires met pretty easily.... but then there are the needs.

It's not that I'm walking around unfulfilled... it's just hat I construct my needs in a way that I'm self sufficient... which makes it hard to "need" anyone else... 'cause damn that makes you vulnerable.

And then I really started looking at my wants....

I realized that I get a lot of wants fulfilled.  If it's about getting beat and/or fucked, it's fulfilled.

But as I age (yea dear reader you can groan about me being nearly 30 and talking about aging) I find that what I'm really looking for now is the other stuff...  I'd like to have a partner to chat with about nonsense, someone to sit at a sports bar and watch a game and goof off.  It's the none sexual relationship stuff that I feel is missing.

Which kind of lead me to the title of the post.  It dawned on me that when it comes to deep, emotional connection, I think I'm monogamous.  Many people clarify their poly.  Lots say they're play poly, i.e. you can play with other people.  A lot of the time, the line for that is drawn between beatings and sensation and sex.

I think I see myself on the other side of that line.  I like sex.  It's awesome.  I like sex with my beatings.

But I don't need to be deeply emotionally involved with the givers of the beatings and the sex.

And I shouldn't.  I mean I am and want to be close dear friends... but there's always a bit I should keep back.

(I've already written the not being clingy posts, right?)

I was thinking about when P and I were together.  I wasn't primary and I was supposed to be dating other people.

But I couldn't.  I loved him and I was his girl and he got all of my emotional energy.  I was ready to make my needs fit into what he could give 'cause I couldn't look for anyone else.  I could meet up with new people for the fucking and the beating... but then I wanted to "go home" to him and tell him about it.

I'm just really getting what that is.  I think I'm emotionally monogamous.  I really like the fucking and the beating with friends.... really close friends.... chosen family.  

But I want one person to be my better half... to come home to and share my day and watch stupid TV and cuddle (and maybe father my children... still thinking about that).

I'm sure more on this topic will be coming soon....