Relationship Formats...

I can't promise this makes sense.... I'm just trying to get things out of my brain.....

What types of relationship formats do I want and which ones work for me?

I don't really know.... but hence, I'll ramble a bit to see what comes out.

I read a lot of Domestic Discipline porn.  Would that work for me?  I like parts of it, but I don't think it's me in general.  I don't think I could do it *all* the time, but I do like parts of it.

With that in mind, I don't think a 24/7 relationship is what I want either.  I'd like to have certain bits of D/s that are always around (a collar, a couple of small protocols), but I don't think I could keep a submissive mindset 24/7.

Do I want a Daddy Dominant?  I like that dynamic a little bit, but I'm not a little... but the care-taking part of that is really attractive to me.  I like being able to lean a bit on someone on occasion... to take a load off.

On the flip side, I really have been thinking about my like of pain.  There's definitely a level of pain that I like just for pain's sake... but I also want to suffer... I want to go beyond that level because someone else wants to enjoy my suffering.

I think that's all that wants to come out of my brain tonight.... but we'll see if more comes out tomorrow.

Partner Traits

After a full year + of working on me with my therapist, it's time to think about dating.

I feel like I'm in a really good space and what I want is starting to take shape.

I was always afraid of being too picky.  I thought if a guy was interested in me, that meant I needed to hold onto them and be whatever they want so that I didn't have to be alone...

You know, I don't mind being alone.  In fact, it's important to me to have my freedom and my own space.

So I've started putting together what I want in a partner.

1. I want someone who's self aware and working on themselves.

He's got to be moving in a direction, not sitting still, not resting on some accomplishment, but working to improve himself.

2. I want someone who's independent.

I do better with people who don't need me all of the time.  I work long hours and have interests that he doesn't have to match.  I'm not saying I only want a booty call.  I'm saying it wouldn't be a good fit if he needed me 24/7/365 next to him.

So far, these are the only two things that come up....

But then, in my head, I think about my kink desires.  How do these two traits mix with my submissiveness?  Am I asking for too much?

And then, tonight, I read Mollena's journal post.

And finding what's right is more important than it happening on my timeline.

Emotional Growth Spurt....

I guess I wasn’t meant to go to work today… I was meant to stay home and think…

At about 1pm, we started smelling smoke in the office so everyone evacuated.  Well, my office, the entirety of the 4th floor, evacuated.

Outside our office manager gets an email from the building… They’re working on the HVAC and we *may* smell smoke….

After airing out the office, we all returned… and 30 minutes later, that lovely mix of overheated saw and burning metal/wire returned.

So I decided to just go home….

As I sit here on the train, though, I’m really struck… really trying to wrap my brain around what’s going on in my life.

Little bits are starting to make sense…. I’m in an emotional growth spurt.  That normal emotional covering just doesn’t fit well. I’m afraid I’ll lash out… afraid that someone will take my actions as something about then and not 100% about me…

And “me” is feeling really fragile…

This Sunday is a party that I’ve been going to for years.

And I’m not going….

‘Cause it’s not me anymore.

There are two things I like…. 

Crazy intones emotional connection and play….

Reckless lack of emotional connection with objectification and horrible treatment.

I’m finding that stuff in the middle is upsetting me more than letting me feel that I at least got something….

I’ve always loved each hostage party I’ve gone to… but as I sit her and look back.. at every party… I was having less fun than everyone else.

I look back and after the first big scene, I tend to take a break… and never rejoin the fray…

Why is that?

It’s cause it wasn’t enough…

It’s cause people were too nice and kept checking in with me.

It’s because I wasn’t actually scared.

It’s because I could still breath around the cock in my throat.

It’s because there was no knife against my throat that would draw a trickle of blood if I struggled too much….

It just wasn’t enough…..

But is that what I want all the time?  Of course not….

But when I don’t want that, I want to knee at Sir’s feet… and be pet.  To be pushed just across the line where my limits sit in some small way that’s harder for me than anyone but he knows….

The middle ground just doesn’t do it for me right now…. and I’m in a funk about it.  Am I really going to do nothing until I can get everything?

And then I look back… at all the times I did something because it was better than nothing…

And in the end.. how miserable I was because of it……

What do I want??

What do I want....

What *do* I want.........

They say you can't go after what you want until you know what it is... so sometimes it's worth it to sit and really think about wants, needs, and desires.

I'm pretty sure that what I'm about to write about is not a need.  I'd like to have all of these things, but the world won't end if I don't get them.  I'm pretty self sufficient and I like that about me.

So.., we get to wants.....

A friend posted a link to a great article on FetLife, and it's got me thinking (it's quick, take a look.  I'm going to write as if you read it).

It really spoke to me... in certain ways.

At 31, I've never lived with a romantic partner.  I've never done more than a couple of days away with one.  I really like that I like living alone.

Does it mean that I don't want a partner, no, just that I don't want a partner that needs me to be attached to their hip 24/7.

But,it doesn't mean that I only want to be involved in secondary relationships.

I know people try and I don't mean this in a bad way....

But being second all the time fucking sucks.

It's not something I say, because I know what I'm getting into when I sign up for that kind of relationship...

But I'm getting less and less willing to walk into those types of dynamics.

Whether you're married or just married to your job/kids/xbox, I'm only going to be interested if you actually have the time and energy to put into me.  The desires I have, especially the kink ones, may not require constant attention, but they do require a depth of commitment and connection, and that's really all I want these days.

I think I could get some pick up play... but I don't know if I want it.

I want to hurt... but I want to hurt to please someone who wants to hurt me... and so I need to please them.

If I don't want to please you, I find that I have little to no pain tolerance right now, that I can't hit sub space from the pain I do get, and that I'm really just annoyed with everything you do.

So what is it that I want?

I was thinking a long distance, D/s relationship sounds perfect: regular texts/calls, quarterly in person visits, some every day rituals and then a higher level of ritual to go into when in person.

Does it have to look like that?  Nah, I'm open...

But I feel like that is about the level I need.  I don't need to see you every day.  I don't know if I'd want to see you more than once a week.

But I need (hmmm is it a need?) a regular connection... something to keep things going even if it's small...

It feels like I'm looking for a lot... but that's ok... I think I'd rather have nothing than something that's only a close approximation of what I want.

Plan of attack

I'm hoping if I write it all down, I'll get it out of my head and be able to sleep (eventually).

So I think I'm going to drop the $200 to get the crazy fancy HSV Western Blot Serology test.  It's considered the gold standard of all HSV tests.  The only place that does it is at the University of Washington so you have to jump the hoops to get your sample sent there for testing.

Step 1 - Call University of Washington

Step 2 - Email doctor that I want to get this done and get her to fill out the requisition (I don't anticipate this being hard).

Step 3 - Find a lab.  This could be tricky.  The lab needs to either consent to sending the sample off to the University of Washington over night, packed in ice, or they need to release the sample back to me so that I can do it.  The internet tells me that the big labs won't do it so either PAMF will say yes or I've gotta keep calling around.

Step 4 - Pay for it.  Money is the easy part.

Step 5 - Wait

Step 6 - Profit... wait no, wrong type of plan.

Home

I nearly cried on the train on the way to the airport.

It was Sunday afternoon.  I was up till nearly 5am local time working.  I forgot me anti-depressants and even though it was after 2pm, I hadn't had any food yet.

And I missed my mommy.

It was a whirlwind visit.  I hadn't been home since Christmas.  I saw my high school friends, my dad's family, my mom's family, and my brother and his girlfriend.

I spent a day with my sister and helped her prep for her new puppy.

I feel like I'm missing out.

I've lived in CA for 9 years this month.  I moved out for grad school and just never went back east.

I have a decent job that pays me well and a good group of friends.

But that's all that I've got out here.  If I look at my family (closer than second cousin), after me, the furthest west person are in DC (it is further west than Boston).  Family is really important to me.  I talk to my mom nearly every day (6 out of 7 I'd guess).

So what do I do?

I know my depression is acting up (yay, we might up my meds again) and I'm hoping I'm ovulating...

But maybe I have to start examining what a move back to the east coast would look like...

He's back....

Not often that I don't cross post to fetlife, but this one won't get cross listed.

I need to vent and I don't need the drama that lives on that site.

So the lovely gentleman who has caused all of the STI drama in my life..... he's starting to go to events.

When I saw him, he was curious, but didn't do anything public.

Now he's at events.  The last 2 I went to he showed up at.

And I want to punch and/or castrate him.

He's hot, and white, and skinny....

And has a new girl on his arm every time I see him.

Me... I've always been single when I've run into him.

When I'm strong, it's an annoyance... I'm just apt to glare at him and go on with my night.

Now, as I struggle with feeling wanted... I worry it would crush me.

I don't think he's on fetlife.  He's not RSVPing to events so it's not like I have any warning in advanced.

I don't want to "let him win," but I probably won't be out to events for a while, especially the ones where I've already seen him.

It's self care....

And... I really don't think he's that awful... I really think, as I look at things, that he was just being a dumb boy.  I know the other girl.  I *KNOW* she said she has HSV 2 orally...

But the internet is full of things that says HSV 2? use condoms for vaginal sex...

The medical community hasn't caught up with the way people have sex.  There aren't any papers on oral transmission of HSV 2.  I think we're only like 10-15 years from realizing that you can get 2 orally and 1 genitally.

So while I have these emotional responses to him, I don't think he was being vicious...

But he also never apologized....

Yes, he doesn't have HSV 2 (he sent me test results), but he already has HSV 1...

Which means he could have been a carrier of the virus, passed it to me, but it never took hold in his system because of the HSV 1 antibodies he already carried...

*sigh*

I can't wait for therapy next Friday... I've got a lot to unpack I think...

Blood Work....

 11/7/08 
0.69

3/25/09
0.57

3/21/13
1.54

9/7/13
0.75

1/2/14
<0.90

7/21/14
<0.90

7/28/15
2.26

Can you tell what this blood work says?

It looks kind of weird, doesn't it....

It's really low.... and then it's kind of middle high maybe?

Well let me give you some context...

<0.90 NEGATIVE0.90-1.10 EQUIVOCAL>1.10 POSITIVE

So the test makes more sense now, right?

Well what if I told you that this was testing for a disease you can never get rid of?

Confused yet?

Well these results, dear reader, are all of the HSV 2 IGG Specific blood results.

You'll remember when I got the first positive test results and then again when I thought I was in the clear again.

And so we're back into the crisis mode again... well maybe not crisis.... just massive confusion.

Worse case scenario, yup, I've got HSV 2.

Most likely scenario... we'll just never know...

Maybe it's in my blood?  Maybe my body has been exposed.

But if I never end up with an outbreak that they can test and do a culture on (the best test), the medical community just says "tell people and use condoms."

Ok.. well I already use condoms for vaginal intercourse... always have....

So......

Where's the infection site?

What do I do next?

Condoms for oral aren't fun for me, but I'd do them (damn that reservoir tip).

My doctor has sent my results off to an infectious disease specialist 'cause she's confused by them as well....

But she things I should live my life as if it's positive...

*sigh*

I'm not sure what to do now...

I saw that smile

I looked good. I mean I thought I looked good. 

I'd seen some appreciative glances too so I was pretty sure I looked good. 

Then he got in the elevator. 

And I knew I looked good. 

It was reflected in his eyes. The once over, the gaze that went from head to toe  was intoxicating. 

But I knew who he was. 

And I knew I was his type. 

We were going to the same event. The elevator dinged. He smiled and was gone. 

My mind flirted with the interaction. It's funny how appreciation like that, at its base level, stays with you. 

I walked into the room and had been forgotten. This was expected. He already had someone like me. I knew her and the one she replaced. I waved and continued my evening. 

I heard later that they ended, like the one before her and probably the one before her. 

I'm sure there'd be a new one soon... That look is dangerous. It's enticing and exhilarating. 

But it doesn't work on me anymore. 

BDSM Test Results....

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
97% Masochist
95% Submissive
80% Bondage Receiver
79% Voyeur
70% Primal (Prey)
66% Non-monogamist
63% Degradation Receiver
54% Switch
49% Primal (Predator)
46% Slave
45% Exhibitionist
39% Sadist
38% Vanilla
11% Bondage Giver
10% Dominant
8% Degradation Giver
3% All-Rounder
0% Master/Mistress
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=317385

I'm so not surprised....

When you look at the "top" things.. I come up at predator...

When I do top... I do get that evil gleam in my eye... and it is mostly physical stuff (kicking/punching/etc).

It's interesting to see the bondage stuff creeping higher on the list... that's totally something my mind has been thinking about recently....

I'm pretty convinced that I'm not a slave... I'm really not... and that's ok too...

I'm going to a rope thing......

.... and I'm crazy nervous.

Well I'm going as long as tomorrow's emergency dentist appointment doesn't leave me in too much pain....

A friend is running the event (FetLife Link) and I've been meaning to go for months...

And I'm scared...

Maybe it's nerve...

Maybe it's just out right fear....

In case you didn't know, dear reader.... I'm not skinny.

I'm obese... morbidly so according to some calculations....

I'm not supposed to do rope...

Well.... that's what's in my head.

I'm not saying it's real or not.  I'm just saying that it feels like fact in my head.

It feels like even more than fact.. it feels like TRUTH in my brain.... that I'm just setting myself up to be laughed at...

Do you watch Game of Thrones?  In last night's episode Brienne of Tarth recalls a painful experience where she was laughed at... and was saved by the kindness of one person.

It feels like I'm just opening myself up to ridicule....

But... I'm gonna go.... and suck it in... and maybe it won't be so bad.....

Stupid men while driving

I'm in the car (back seat) on my way to LA and got this gem. 

I had to share...

hi
i will be visiting palo alto wednesday 15 and thursday 16 april and am looking for some kinky action while i am there. Any tips?
i prefer (big) black subs...hehe

please let me know
regards
ramon

Race and Dating

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Are you for real??

I logged into collarspace (formerly collarme) and saw I'd been viewed by a 48 year old male submissive...

And then I got a message from him...

Hello, how are you? I'm actually a Master using a subs handle for I had a stalker. Are you really a corset expert? I ask for its my #1 fetish when is comes to my perspective submissive. Let's chat pls. Thank you.

Ummmmm are you for real?

Do you know how many male submissives/switches I've chatted who claimed to actually be a Dom until you meet and they actually just want you to dominate them?

Just to check and see if maybe I'm being overly mean in my illness (day 5 in bed and I'm about ready to stab someone), I went and looked at the profile.

It's blank...

Says it's looking for Dominant, Switch, and Submissive Females...

I.E. he's looking for pussy.

Yup no... not gonna get a response from me....

Individuality...

So I've got homework from therapy... So you're all going to be subjected to bits of it :-)

We were talking about dating sites... As often happens. I was worried that people pick to date me only based on a) having a fat girl fetish or b) having a black girl fetish. 

I said I wished I was more average, less out of the norm.  If I was just average in anyway, it would have to be my personality (as expressed over the Internet) that attracted people. 

And so my shrink said, in true shrink fashion, "Well, why can't people have a preference for you? And why would you want to blend in, become something you're not?"

Ugh

That's hard to think about. 

I didn't even really thing about it... It just came out of my mouth. 

So I kind of looked at it from the other side... Do I have preferences????

Well I tend to date white, husky guys about 5'10" to 6'4" in height. It's not a hard, fast rule, but that seems to be who I'm attracted to. 

But those are things that no one judges. White dudes of average height who are not skinny....

Being black, female, and fat has a lot of baggage with it. How do you separate out people who have a type, and are attracted to the entire person, from people who are in someway just fetishizing the particular attribute?

And why is that my first thought? I can't really recall anything in my past where that happened to me.  

But then I end up with other fears.... Will I get even less attention if I lose weight??? Do I only get what I do get now based on being cute and chubby? In my head I know it's not really true, but it doesn't mean that someplace in my heart, it rings a bit too true. 

So why do I want to blend in? What's so hard about being an individual?? I don't know yet...

Good thing I have another week till therapy. 

Boundaries

So last night this didn't come up in my head is the idea of boundaries...

But it's front and center right now.

How do you set up the proper boundaries so that work for you... especially when they're not ones you really want?

Day to day... I get up, go to work, pay my bills, and am generally an adult.

Deep inside, though, I have some desires that are not consistent with those day to day goals.

.........

If you're here, you probably know what kind of dirty girl I really am, but there's an even deeper, sicker level that makes me totally hot.....


And maybe one day I'll write about it....


So anyway that level is there.... and there are people who have access to it....

And it's damn hot.

It seems like that part of me is overwhelming... that that's the part that "truly" me...

I think it's just the part that doesn't get let out often enough so it's always looking for ways to escape.

It truth... it's part of me, an important part... but it's not all of me....

And having a boundary around it isn't a bad thing.

.............

What I've got to figure out is how to feed that part of me, without sacrificing the rest of me.  Let's have fun and be dirty and be at someone else's beck and call.... sometimes.

I can't (shouldn't?) do that all the time.  I'm more complex than just that part of my brain.  How often (and with whom) can that side get let out?  How much can I do to play in that mindset without it making me want to stay there longer than is healthy?  Can I do long term...... BLANK in that mindset without if affecting other parts of me?  Can I let someone control BLANK TWO (which is totally hot) without it affecting the rest of my life?

Two blogs in a row.. more questions than answers....

The Conundrum...

I can't promise that this will make any sense...

My brain has been going around in circles on this for a while. It was confusing enough that I had a bit of a depressed day while my brain processed it all. So, expect several posts on similar topics as it all comes out of my brain. 

In general and with my therapist, I've been looking at dating in general and I what I want I'm a partner. 

It's been really hard to come up with even the most basic characteristics that I want in a partner. I'm really afraid of being picky. My shrink assures me that I'm not being picky. Picky, she said, would be me saying a guy has to be between 5'10" and 5'11". I'm afraid wanting someone intelligent would be too picky of me even when I mean someone I could talk to, not someone with a degree from a particular university. 

Sometimes I feel for her... She has to deal with me and my brain...

So look out in the future for a blog post about qualities...

I think the more pressing conundrum in my brain is a little more complex...

I'm poly. Or so I think. 

I've only had one traditional, monogamous relationship. We dated senior year of high school through junior year of college. He was a year older, so we were long distance the entire time. 

Since then I've had various types of non-monogamous relationships: fwb, secondary, play partners, etc.  

The question I'm facing is why. I've got a couple of different things I'm looking at:

1) I'm poly. Yay. I work better with multiple relationships. The whole primary thing doesn't work for me. I'm better with my own alone time and seeing people when I want to.

2) I'm not poly. I don't think I deserve to be someone's one and only so I accept and make due with whatever comes my way. 

3) A bit of both (cause I like Star Lord a lot).

I know that it's most likely option 3: some sort of combination of the first two. So I guess the more important question is what is the ratio. 

Questions like what kind of poly set up do I want/need, what depth of partnership am I looking for, and where do I find people like that all swirl around in my head...

I don't think I've got answers right now.... But maybe I'm at least starting to figure out the questions...