Clingy

I'm afraid of being clingy...

Like really afraid.

No one has ever said that I was clingy.... but it's probably my biggest poly/general relationship fear.

I had my first boyfriend at nearly 18.  Late bloomer would imply that I wasn't thinking about boys.  I had been *man* crazy since I was 10 and ready erotica since about then.

I was nerd and I was chubby... but I was also one of the guys.  They didn't stop their conversations when I came around like they did with the other girls.  I was better at math and engineering than they were and could talk sports and action movies.  They couldn't date me.... that would be weird.

My first (and only) vanilla relationship was long distance from the start.  He was a year older and already at college, so I had the holiday/summer boyfriend.... for 3.5 years.

I think we did pretty well for long distance.  I was that girl in the hallway on the phone with her boyfriend most nights, but we talked about everything from his latest race (he was on the crew team) to how the hometown sports teams were doing.  I was the perfect girl... I did what he wanted before he could even ask for it.

But then he fell out of love with me....

This is all to say that I never really got to practice *being* with someone... I never got over NRE and then settled into a nice comfy "we're together" stage... I've never done that.

And I'm scared I don't know how.

Fast forward 6 months of celibacy and 6 months of saying yes to every guy who wanted me because, oh, a boy wants me...

Bringing a fear of clingy into poly probably wasn't the smartest thing I ever did.  I quickly got a reputation for being a great poly partner.  Female friends of mine thought I was great to date their husbands/boyfriends, 'cause they knew I'd respect all of the boundaries.

But I wasn't really getting all of my needs met....

I was so scared of being a bad poly partner, of over stepping my boundaries, that I nearly became a shell of myself.  I couldn't let anyone in.. 'cause if I did and the I actually relied or needed them or something, they'd run away.  And then I wouldn't be able to function without them.. better to not need anyone and always be self sufficient and be able to walk at a moment's notice.

I'm not saying it makes sense... just how my mind operated.

Then I dated P....  I was still pretty bad.  I'd be afraid to call mid sub drop after a crazy intense scene for fear of being clingy/an inconvenience.  I mean, we'd play Friday or Saturday and if I was going to drop, it would be Monday and that's *way* far removed from the play.

He eventually got tired of the clingy fear.  It's one of the nice things of being submissive, is some things can be ordered/taken away.  He put himself in charge of the "clingy" meter.... He promised to tell me if I was getting clingy and I promised to not feel like I was asking for too much until he told me....

He never told me I was being clingy....

Fast forward again and I have an amazing play date on Friday.....  I know my pattern.... Monday is going to be the day I drop, if I drop.

But I didn't feel bad on Monday... things were going well.....

But I wanted to call him... to text.... to bask in his presence....

And the fear came up.

Oh fuck I'm getting attached... I'm not supposed to be... I should be ok and not needing anything....

Sub drop by way of a fear of being clingy is a new one, even for me.

Last night I wrote about masks.... and as I was processing it all, the clingy came back...  So I said something.  I said I had a problem with being clingy and that I think I was over compensating and thus not expressing accurate needs....

Well... that's not exactly true.  Logically, from an outsider's perspective, I'm not clingy.  I never really have been.  But I guess I'm so afraid of it that the desire to see someone again, while the bruises are fresh and I haven't really come down, sends me into a panic that I'm doing something wrong....

Not sure how to fix it yet... I now know that I want to.... but I'm not sure where to head now...

On the flip side... I really have been liking the attention C has been paying me.... but I was afraid *he* was being clingy.  Now that I look at it... it wasn't a fear of clingy... it was a fear that he was clingy and I wasn't supposed to like it.  I like when he texts or calls or IMs or when he see s a cute Disney Toy and thinks of me....

But those are the things that I would do if I wasn't afraid of being clingy.. and since people don't like clingy, then I should be upset that he does them......

I gotta say blogging is way cheaper than therapy.... but crying in front of my lap top seems a bit sillier than crying in my therapist's office........