I guess I wasn’t meant to go to work today… I was meant to stay home and think…
At about 1pm, we started smelling smoke in the office so everyone evacuated. Well, my office, the entirety of the 4th floor, evacuated.
Outside our office manager gets an email from the building… They’re working on the HVAC and we *may* smell smoke….
After airing out the office, we all returned… and 30 minutes later, that lovely mix of overheated saw and burning metal/wire returned.
So I decided to just go home….
As I sit here on the train, though, I’m really struck… really trying to wrap my brain around what’s going on in my life.
Little bits are starting to make sense…. I’m in an emotional growth spurt. That normal emotional covering just doesn’t fit well. I’m afraid I’ll lash out… afraid that someone will take my actions as something about then and not 100% about me…
And “me” is feeling really fragile…
This Sunday is a party that I’ve been going to for years.
And I’m not going….
‘Cause it’s not me anymore.
There are two things I like….
Crazy intones emotional connection and play….
Reckless lack of emotional connection with objectification and horrible treatment.
I’m finding that stuff in the middle is upsetting me more than letting me feel that I at least got something….
I’ve always loved each hostage party I’ve gone to… but as I sit her and look back.. at every party… I was having less fun than everyone else.
I look back and after the first big scene, I tend to take a break… and never rejoin the fray…
Why is that?
It’s cause it wasn’t enough…
It’s cause people were too nice and kept checking in with me.
It’s because I wasn’t actually scared.
It’s because I could still breath around the cock in my throat.
It’s because there was no knife against my throat that would draw a trickle of blood if I struggled too much….
It just wasn’t enough…..
But is that what I want all the time? Of course not….
But when I don’t want that, I want to knee at Sir’s feet… and be pet. To be pushed just across the line where my limits sit in some small way that’s harder for me than anyone but he knows….
The middle ground just doesn’t do it for me right now…. and I’m in a funk about it. Am I really going to do nothing until I can get everything?
And then I look back… at all the times I did something because it was better than nothing…
And in the end.. how miserable I was because of it……
