Con Drop?

It's actually a question... cause I think I'm doing ok ;-)

A couple of things have come up to me...

There have been a couple of conversations re: consent and a play partner of mine brought up something I did as a good example....  He offered to perform some activity, I thought about it and said "i'm not up for x, but y would be ok."  He agreed to y and we moved along.

And life moved on.

It wasn't till he brought it up in conversation about consent that I really realized what I did.... I said no, and was ok with it.

This is kind of a big deal to me... and is along the lines of a lot of the grown I did this weekend.

I did what I wanted.. and really what I wanted.  It wasn't what I *thought* my top wanted... it wasn't what I thought people expected of me.... It was really what I wanted.

I had a lovely scene that others might have looked at and said was "easy," but I got really deep emotionally.. and stayed floaty for a long time...

And it was ok...

I didn't feel rushed out of that head space by my own issues/worries about being needy... I just was.

I wore a bunch of outfits that stretched what I felt comfortable with.. and didn't wear heels all weekend.

I felt hot and sexy in outfits even before I saw friends and acquaintances lose their train of thought once my robe came off.

So yea... a lot of things happened at DO... most of it was inside of my brain.. and I think I'm still seeing the "fall out" from it all...

Re-Cap DO

I'm not ready to really blog about DO... but I wanted to look at my goal list....


- Play with person A I wanted to play with last year - Totally Done

- Play with person B I wanted to play with last year - He got sick

- Make out with one person whom I don't already know. - Didn't do... but thinking this may happen at WinterFire

- Hand out 10 contact/business cards - Handed out 2 or 3... got 5/6 new twitter followers.  Fetlife friends still coming in

- Go to at least one class - OMG Rape Play class was yummy!

- Get 30 minutes of none sexual cuddling - OMG Totally Done

- Eat at least 2 meals a day - Yup, I was good

- Step outside at least once a day - Did this every day

- Only attempt at max one full face makeup per day (more than that will be too stressful) - Didn't do it at all!!!  Yay no foundation 

- Wear 1 outfit that pushes my comfort level but makes me look hot to others - Did this 3 times!!!

- Get pictures of said outfit and other cute outfits - Didn't get enough pictures... but I think there are some ones of me naked now ;-)

- Smile at myself in the mirror whenever possible - Didn't have time to look in the mirror

- Have fun - So much fun.... 

Goals for DO

I've decided to have a goal list for DO.... 'cause maybe that'll make it get here faster!


- Play with person A I wanted to play with last year

- Play with person B I wanted to play with last year

- Make out with one person whom I don't already know.

- Hand out 10 contact/business cards

- Go to at least one class

- Get 30 minutes of none sexual cuddling

- Eat at least 2 meals a day

- Step outside at least once a day

- Only attempt at max one full face makeup per day (more than that will be too stressful)

- Wear 1 outfit that pushes my comfort level but makes me look hot to others

- Get pictures of said outfit and other cute outfits

- Smile at myself in the mirror whenever possible

- Have fun

Girl Brain

Definition - the special over thinking women do when it comes to asking to get their needs met.  The kind of requests they expect from their male partners without thought.  The related assumption that anything they want, their partner would only agree to "for" the woman and thus he is making a huge sacrifice and gets no satisfaction.

I'm having an attack of girl brain.

Recently, I've been day dreaming of hot, passionate, vanilla-looking sex.  Lots of body fluids, lots of kissing and touching, lots of connection

I was sharing this desire with this cute nerdy boy in LA (*waves*... he's reading my blog now... eeek), and he volunteered.

And I immediately launched into girl brain....  It was obviously, in my brain at least, something that he couldn't be interested and thus something he'd only do as a favor to be nice to me.  And it wouldn't be fair of me to ask for that kind of self sacrifice.

It sounds stupid when I re-read it written out here... but it was my first thought.... not in the front of my brain... but just what occurs to me automatically.

Man, that's stupid.

If the experience was exactly the same and just the two roles were switched, I'd be honored that he asked me and be really excited to fulfill some hot fantasy.

But I couldn't think that someone would want to do that for me.

I don't know 100% where it comes from.  Is it a hold over from the "I can say no to sex if the guy wants it" mindset that I'm just getting over?  Does it have something to do with wanting non-kinky sex?

I'll continue to ponder... but I'd be curious to see what other people think as well....

Not a nice person

I'm not a nice person.

Coming off a depressions cycle, dealing with daylight savings time crap, and having gone to the dentist today, I am borrowing a line from Mollena declaring a fuck-ruptcy..... I am out of fucks to give.

Stop reading here unless you have an interest in me ranting and raving and bitching.  I just need it out of my brain before my hot bath....

I'm so sorry your fetlife feed is down.  I didn't really notice.  I was doing things not on the internet.  It's a free site.  Oh, you paid $5 a month?  Do you know how little you get for that?  This is part of what I do for a living.  $5, even times all the paid members, doesn't cover costs.  Yea I wish it worked better... but it's not so critical to my life that I would spend more than a quick second going "ahhh what's up?"

And with me being out of fucks.... the whining is just getting on my nerves.


Oh and at work, social clubs, and personal life.... EVERYTHING IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.....

I feel a bit better now....

Fighting the Scale...

The Good News: The following blog post was written having had 24 hours of no SSRIs in my system... so the crazy depressive thinking will be a bit more under control after the meds continue to propagate through my system.

The Bad News:

Well... It's not bad... I'm just gonna rant/vent a bit to get the brain hamsters to calm down so that I can go to bed... and stop bothering Miss Bella (the lab-pit bull I'm dog sitting) who is looking at my like "OMG Shelly, it's Bella night night time... go the fuck to sleep!"

And now that it's time to write... I'm staring at the laptop and there aren't any words coming out.

January 15th is when I need to re-do my blood work... and I'm sure it's gonna be bad still.

I've got a lot of weight to lose... but it's hard.

I wish there was something easy to do...

I did weight watchers and was moderately successful....

And crazy....  Tracking food made me neurotic.  My depression was out of control with I was losing and then I'd get upset when I wasn't losing... even though my neurotic tendencies were less.

My doctor had me go to an info session on a medically supervised weight loss program.  It's about 800 calories a day (hence medically supervised) and you basically eat their packaged food while you lose weight.

I'd really do it...  I'm at the point where the weight needs to come off and I'll be that weird chick on shakes for all meals to do it.

Except I can't.

My whole life, artificial sugars have made me sick.  It's not an allergy.  I don't swell, get a rash, etc.  It's a sensitivity or an intolerance.  That means I end up with painful stomach cramps and diarrhea for 1-4 hours after ingesting any of the fake sugars (even splenda).

And, of course, all of the shakes have fake sugar in them.  The were able to find that the soups don't have fake sugar in them, so I could have chicken broth soup for 3 meals a day....

If i could have the shakes, I'd probably have done it.. but chicken soup for breakfast just was too much.

But maybe I can get over the sensitivity.

I'm contemplating seeing if I have enough of it that eventually I won't get sick from it.

If I can't get any wait off, I'm going to have to go on a pre-diabetic medicine, Metformin.  Unfortunately, the side effect for that med is...... painful stomach cramps and diarrhea for 1-4 hours....

I was on the med once already.  I actually don't mind taking meds.  I'll be on the synthetic thyroid hormones and the anti-depressants for basically the rest of my life.  I've already got to take a morning med and a night med, so adding any additional ones to the mix doesn't bother me...

Unless there are side effects.

My stomach is where I store all of my stress.  As a small child, a teacher yelling at a class would be enough for me to develop such bad stomach cramps that nothing would make it better except curling up in the fetal position for an hour.

A bit too much dairy, a bit too much meat,  a bit too much of anything and my stomach hurts.  I had a diagnosis of IBS in college.  It went away once I could get in to a psychiatrist and they put me on an anti-depressant.

With all of that, I have very little tolerance for stomach issues from meds.  In addition... with my new found (well maybe not that new) love of anal sex, I don't think I want to always have stomach issues...

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Ok... same topic-ish but I couldn't think of a clever transition (I'm just trying to clear my brain so I can sleep).

I've got a Plenty of Fish profile...I don't really use it.  It's more of an amusement device.  There are two different ways to message people.  You can... message people.  Or you can go through and put people on a list of "people you'd like to meet."

So tonight I had a guy put me on that list so I got an alert and I went to look at his profile.

He's totally hot.... and into crossfit.

I know a bunch of people who really like it and I'm not really thinking bad things about crossfit....

But why would someone who has 5 interests and one of them is crossfit be interested in me?

Ok granted.. it's not a true interest (write me a message dude), but I immediately think the worse...

Maybe I wasn't up front enough about my... physical nature... in my profile and once he sees me he's gonna feel fooled.

Maybe he thinks/knows fat girls are easier to fuck 'cause they don't get any and they'll be grateful for any attention.  I'm so not looking to be an easy lay...

Now he could think something completely different, but I immediately fear that this is what's going on....

Ok... i feel my brain trying to turn off.... It's time for me to close the laptop, this blog post, and my brain on this issue till I can process things better.

Goodnight and Good morning!