How big is your boat?

Today in therapy we were talking about loneliness...

And I kept coming back to feeling like I was adrift....

So we went with it and my therapist asked me to describe what I meant.

Out flowed a way more detailed image than I knew was inside of my head.

I'm not in a boat... I'm in an emergency raft.  There's no propulsion, but I won't get swamped.  There's no luxury food or anything really fun.

But I'll survive.

"Are you alone in your raft?" asked the doc.

I am... but other boats do keep passing by.  Sometimes you're riding the same wave; sometimes the waves push you apart.

It's like even when riding the same wave, I keep all of my stuff neatly organized inside my own raft.  Others see my raft and acknowledge its/my presence, but have no clue what goes on inside.

"Is everyone in a raft?" she inquired.

I imagine that people are on different types of boats.  Some share their boat with someone else, a partner, a lover, a family, etc.  Some are on big boats with propulsion while others still  drift in the currents like I seem to.

"Well do you ever try to call out for help?"

And then I realized that I'm scared I'll swamp someone else's boat.

It's like I can't tell how big someone's boat is.  It's like I'm scared to send up emergency flares because someone else in a raft might hurt/injury themselves trying to help or they're get there and I'll swamp their raft/boat with all of my crap....

So I sit in my raft making superficial connections when the waves push me against someone else... but I keep drifting off just me, alone, in my raft.

________________________________________________________________________________

It was pretty intense how quickly I unpacked this whole elaborate analogy of my life.

Feeding the Introvert

Sometimes blogging takes chocolate and tissues.

So I had therapy today like I do every Wednesday.  It's hard to do it in the middle of the day and go back to work, but that's what I do.

We're working these days on giving myself credit for things I do (like go to therapy every week) and permission to take care of myself.

Although I've learned a lot of extrovert skills, deep down I'm an introvert.  Large parties take a lot of energy.  We made a plan for me to try and attend a "party" on Sunday (yes Wonderland) and what I should do self care wise to make that more likely to happen.

We also talked about staying in to feed the introvert vs staying in 'cause the depression and/or anxiety is overwhelming and learning to figure out the difference in those two states and how to treat them.

So I do a lot of hard work for 45 minutes, drive back to work, pick up a piece of pizza, and sit back down at my desk.

We have a company wide meet at 4 which went well...

And then happy hour...

My cute little start up of 10 people is not 110 people.

They rented out half a resturant for our happy hour... which still left a standing room only space crowded with people...

Oh... and booze... lots of booze.

The new anti anxiety medicine means I can't drink.

Except for my birthday where I skipped me meds, I haven't been drinking since december....

And there weren't any non alcoholic drinks.

Pitchers of margaritas (two kinds), sangria, and ice buckets full of beer.

"Oh go to the other side of the place and just say you're with the group and order a soda," I was told.  I gathered one of the 3 other people I know at the company that don't drink and headed to the bar... where we waited for 10 minutes without being acknowledged.

So I give up and am making my rounds to head out.

"stay and have fun" says one co worker gesturing with their glass.

"Why are you leaving so early" says another trying to get me to stay.

Now I'm trying not to break down before i get to the door.

'cause I don't belong.

I don't have the reserves to deal with this many people and this much alcohol that I can't have without easy options.

I make it outside and go back to the (empty) office to make it look like i haven't been crying.

I make it to the car and drive home to call my mommy (which fixes everything).

Self improvement is damn hard.  How do people have time for it and a job and other commitments?

I just wish I didn't feel so broken.. that it didn't take so much effort just to function.

My therapist helps a huge deal.  She pointed out that as an introvert, sitting in an open office layout 50 hours a week is really draining... no wonder I don't want to do anything on the weekends and spend Friday night just trying to finally clear my head.

I wish I was sometimes still numb.. that I could playing along and hide in plain site and not feel a huge weight on my chest while I did it.

It's just getting so hard to feign interests any more... it takes so much effort...

And with everything else.. my reserves are shot.