Scene with Stu

I guess I got to get this written down before I block it and can't learn from it. Saturday night at BR I had a date (at 2am so it was technically Sunday) with Stu for a scene. It was supposed to be a suspension scene but when we arrived at the late night dungeon the suspension set up wasn't in the room. We decide to an impact scene and I get tied to the spanking bench. He starts off with my brand new flogger. From almost the beginning, something didn't feel right. The flogger HURT (year I know it's supposed to hurt but it wasn't a good hurt). By the end of warm up I'm crying (nearly sobbing) and I don't know why. I finally say something (not yellow like I should have but me crying at this point already had made Stu a big concerned). We sat and talked for a while and decided to switch implements (paddles... I love paddles) and see what happens. Well it doesn't end up going very far at all. In my mind's eye I just get swallowed up by this darkness.... I can't explain it.... I just couldn't keep going... but I couldn't say why. I'm just sobbing and I finally stop the scene. Stu takes great care of me and unties me etc and we sit up and try to talk some more. Just closing my eyes and trying to go back into the dark space was enough to make me start crying again and I didn't even know what was there that was making me cry.....

So Stu walks me back to me room after I'm no longer actively crying and I spent the rest of the weekend in this kind of weird funk.... not a depressive funk but a weird introspective funk. For the life of me I can't figure out what's wrong in my head.....

Gonna go e-mail Stu now and figure out exactly what he told me to do after the scene to try to bring the internal darkness to the surface so that I can face it.....

BR

Ok so before I forget I guess I should get this all out on....paper?

Anyway.... BR overall was a good experience. I arrived early Friday morning and took the train to the hotel. I registered and everything and then went to a class called playing with strangers. The instructor, Rita, was really hot, but there was this guy in the class (older etc) who just gave off uber dom I'm so special vibes that made me curl up into Stu's arm even more during the class. I had dinner with Tim, Kelly, and Tina at union station and came back to the hotel for the meet and greet. I wore my black and white corset and got lots of good smiles. Friday night I played with Sas and did my first knife scene. It was ok. The dungeon was too loud i think so I didn't really get into it. I do still have nice scratchy things on my back though. Note to self... don't put lotion on a freshly knifed back.

Saturday I had breakfast with Tina and then did a 4 hours volunteer shift on security, I was basically a hall monitor. No, that skirt is too short, no .... i can see you ass you need to put on more clothes to be in the public area.

Saturday night I played with Stu (separate post)

Sunday i was in a funk... went to bootblacking class (damn hot) and then basically napped all day/evening/night....

List of Loot I bought at BR
- Two pair of silk stripper shoes
- new leather by danny cuffs
- Flogger for use only on me (yes for those special parts)
- T-shirt that says "I must be a masochist... I'm a grad student)
- New rope

Grrrrr

Going to a wedding is sometimes a total drain on me emotionally. I mean.. oh happy couples everywhere.....and me sitting by myself..... I kind of want to stop looking.... it's kind of hard and time consuming and I've got other things to be doing you know. I keep doing first date after first date, but nothing happens. Any of the ones that end up well are work-a-holics. I've done another phone purge recently. I have all these numbers from guys who I know will never call again. I need to figure out what to talk to my psychologist about on Wednesday. I think I need to talk through my relationships with her.... I don't know what to do...how to go about it etc...... I need to figure out why I want/need a man so much. It can't be healthy I guess. I hate getting my hopes up. Dear god I don't cry over like anything else but men. Just feeling this frustrated makes me kind of teary eyed.....grrrrrrrrr

I'm Bruised

I played with E tonight. It was... well I'm not clear enough to talk about it yet. He beat me and beat me....and bear me some more. I sobbed... was really crying for a bit..... I'm pretty bruised.

Dungeon

Going to the dungeon and not playing puts me in a bad mood. I mean, I didn't have any plans on playing, but being there and not playing made me feel kind of icky...... I want to be able to be there and not be so upset... but I just turn internal and then it's just... I dunno.... makes me upset.....

Poly

Am I poly? I always seem to say no, but recently, I'm not so sure...I mean, I want to have a primary partner, but does that mean that I can't have a bit on the side? Can I really handle is is the real question. I tend to get attached to people once sex is involved. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing with multiple relationships. I could see having sex with others if I had a primary, kind of the spice of life... but without a primary, I'm unsure if it's really a good idea to start a casual thing with someone....But I want to! I don't know... It's.... well it's weird. I'm just worried about getting hurt... it seems to be what always happens to me.....

10/6/07

So yea...... I played tonight with DG. It was good.Things that were good....I really like ropeThe big heavy hits with the heavy flogger went welli like being tied up, but it's a mixed blessing 'cause when i struggle I can handle more pain....Things that were bad...I got into fight/flight syndrome and didn't say anything... I just tried to untie myself.... that's the bad place.... that's yellow/red... I need to vocalize it...I wasn't in the best mindset. I'd been talking with people like a little earlier in the night and was there a little too much. I really need to do things like-wear a collar-kneel-perform servicebefore I play to get me in the right mindset.I think I needed more warm up but didn't ask for it.I NEED TO SAY MORE!

8/13/07

So today I masturbated (as is my fashion) to an erotic story about a woman who was kidnapped and gang banged by several men. It got me hot reading about how she came to really enjoy being used...I thinks are moving to fast... I think I'm agreeing to things not 'cause I really want to do them or think that it's the right time for things to happen, but because I can't say no. I need to learn to say no. It's hard but I need to. Is it ok to back things off a bit?

8/12/07

I woke up this morning and re-read the conversation, following especially the parts where you give me directions. I only played with my pussy lips until I got to the end like you had asked. When it was time to touch my clit, I followed your directions and stroked it thinking of you touching it, and then waited 5 seconds before continuing. I rubbed in kind of the same manor as last night (it's how I cum.... you might say I'm in a rut), rubbing the upper side with my left hand. I was so close when my arm started to get tired but instead of switching hands I needed to cum really badly so I just ignored it and kept rubbing and rubbing the base of my clit with my left hand. There was a big gasp of air right before I cameI'm about to go suck on my panties now. I've never done it before so I'm a little worried that I won't be able to compel myself to do it to completion, but I will let you know when I'm done how it went. After that I will shower and touch my pussy like you directed last night.Shelly