But now I feel weird. I'm just not grounded.
It's not like sub drop... Not that kind of weird, endorphin drop.
Just not feeling steady.
Not like I'm gonna fall.... Just that I'm not gonna get where I want to go quickly.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I don't want to blog
I really don't.
You get to those places were there's so much going on in your head that you just want to hide.
And nothing wants to come out or be finished.
Maybe I'm coming down with something. I've had a tickle in my throat for two days now. It hasn't gotten worse or better.
Maybe my job sucks. Had a meeting with my boss's boss (he's out of town and she used to be my direct boss before his promotion). I nearly had to leave before I barfed all over the place from stress. She said that she knew making processes was hard for me.... wait... me? I make process and notes for EVERYTHING. What am I messing up that that's not apparent?
What am I going to do with my life? My job is pretty dead end. No promotion or pay raise in nearly 21 months. I've got over half of my stock granted now. Aren't those supposed to keep giving you stock so you stay around. Maybe they don't like me. I really don't care what they say and all of the nice things they say, I've seen them drop people with no warning for a "change in direction." The people who have been out right fired have done something or their boss did something and the whole group was "reorganized." I mean I don't logically think I could be out of a job tomorrow... but it's CA, an at will state, there's a non 0 chance that each day is my last day.
Writing isn't helping.
I'm still amped up.
I'm not sleeping again :-( I slept through the night (mostly) Saturday in the tent up in the mountains, but since then (and about a week before then) I haven't been able to sleep through the night. I'm probably gonna stay up later tonight and see if I can get that wake up closer to 6 (and just get up for the day) instead of the sill 3:45 wake up that's been plauging me.
And now all of you have read my random ranting. I'm gonna go take my happy pill and zone off to mindless sports... maybe kill some monsters in rift, till I can go to sleep....
You get to those places were there's so much going on in your head that you just want to hide.
And nothing wants to come out or be finished.
Maybe I'm coming down with something. I've had a tickle in my throat for two days now. It hasn't gotten worse or better.
Maybe my job sucks. Had a meeting with my boss's boss (he's out of town and she used to be my direct boss before his promotion). I nearly had to leave before I barfed all over the place from stress. She said that she knew making processes was hard for me.... wait... me? I make process and notes for EVERYTHING. What am I messing up that that's not apparent?
What am I going to do with my life? My job is pretty dead end. No promotion or pay raise in nearly 21 months. I've got over half of my stock granted now. Aren't those supposed to keep giving you stock so you stay around. Maybe they don't like me. I really don't care what they say and all of the nice things they say, I've seen them drop people with no warning for a "change in direction." The people who have been out right fired have done something or their boss did something and the whole group was "reorganized." I mean I don't logically think I could be out of a job tomorrow... but it's CA, an at will state, there's a non 0 chance that each day is my last day.
Writing isn't helping.
I'm still amped up.
I'm not sleeping again :-( I slept through the night (mostly) Saturday in the tent up in the mountains, but since then (and about a week before then) I haven't been able to sleep through the night. I'm probably gonna stay up later tonight and see if I can get that wake up closer to 6 (and just get up for the day) instead of the sill 3:45 wake up that's been plauging me.
And now all of you have read my random ranting. I'm gonna go take my happy pill and zone off to mindless sports... maybe kill some monsters in rift, till I can go to sleep....
Monday, July 15, 2013
Un-plugged.... Cold Turkey
My most favorite toy, my Hitachi, is unplugged and put away....
I realized that I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't get off (by myself) without it. I know that I physically can, so a little bit of extra horniness, and I'll be back to masturbatory basics.
I also do this 'cause I know I don't need it. Hitachi orgasms are nice... I get off..... but I'm very rarely satisfied afterwards.... it's just kind of over.
The orgasms I love, the ones that make me pass out, are all vaginal orgasms.... But there's a problem with those too: angle.
My arms can't be detached from my body and used to finger fuck myself.... It would be awesome if they could.
So I can never seem to get the angle right on my own.....
So then I started thinking.... maybe I need to invest in a fucking machine for myself...
Not a fuck saw.... I still couldn't operate it on my own, but something where I could get the feeling of being fucked when I don't have someone else around (and no, I could never get the angle right with a dildo to fucking myself either).
Ahhhh the things we think of when horny ;-)
I realized that I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't get off (by myself) without it. I know that I physically can, so a little bit of extra horniness, and I'll be back to masturbatory basics.
I also do this 'cause I know I don't need it. Hitachi orgasms are nice... I get off..... but I'm very rarely satisfied afterwards.... it's just kind of over.
The orgasms I love, the ones that make me pass out, are all vaginal orgasms.... But there's a problem with those too: angle.
My arms can't be detached from my body and used to finger fuck myself.... It would be awesome if they could.
So I can never seem to get the angle right on my own.....
So then I started thinking.... maybe I need to invest in a fucking machine for myself...
Not a fuck saw.... I still couldn't operate it on my own, but something where I could get the feeling of being fucked when I don't have someone else around (and no, I could never get the angle right with a dildo to fucking myself either).
Ahhhh the things we think of when horny ;-)
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Boots
She walked in a carefully set her kit next to his favorite chair.
Out came the soap, the polish, and the grease.
She hoped she was prepared for everything.
He walked in the room. "Strip," he said and turned to pour himself a drink.
Carefully she removed all of her clothing and put her hair back in a ponytail.
He sat, bourbon in one hand and unlit cigar in the other. She finally looked down and saw them...
Tonight wasn't about a pair of fancy boots with a high shine... not about the boots he wore to the dungeon with the buckles and accessories.
Tonight was about him, his everyday engineer boots carefully crossed at the ankle, fresh with dust and wear, just like him.
Without a thought, she dropped to her hands and knees and crawled towards him. She began licking the toe of one boot, lapping all of the dust off of it. The other boot came down on top of her neck, forcing her to remain there until he decided to release her.
She then got up and began loving the other boot. Her mouth started to dry up and she covered the boot with her salvia but soon she caught the familiar smell of a cigar and her mouth began to water again.
She knew what was coming.
Trying not to anticipate the evening, she reached for the soap and cleaned the leather of both boots. Next she dipped both hands into the vat of boot grease and began to gently massage his boot and feet, carefully pouring all of her care into her work.
As she finished the second boot and went to reach for a towel to wipe up the excess, he stopped her.
"Kneel," he gently demanded. Up she knelt, legs spread, head down, both open, and tongue out.
Gently, the ash from his cigar fell onto her tongue. She held it till he said "thank you" and she closed her mouth, savoring the feeling of the hot ash in her mouth.
His freshly cleaned boot then slid between her legs.
"Cum," he demanded.
With the fresh ash still in her mouth, she began to grind her clit into his boot. Eyes closed in pleasure, she felt an orgasm approaching very quickly.
He reached down and grabbed both of her nipples harshly. Instantaneously, she began to orgasm, squirting all over his left boot, soaking the leather again.
As she came down from her orgasms, she felt more ash come down on her body. Reaching up with hand still covered in boot grease, she began to rub the cooling ash into her skin.
"It looks like my boots are dirty again, girl," he said with a small smile, settling back into his favorite chair, puffing on his cigar.
She looked into his eyes, briefly pausing to notice the erection straining under his button fly jeans, and then began to re-clean his boots with her tongue.
It was good her favorite place to be was down at his feet... she was going to be there all night.
Out came the soap, the polish, and the grease.
She hoped she was prepared for everything.
He walked in the room. "Strip," he said and turned to pour himself a drink.
Carefully she removed all of her clothing and put her hair back in a ponytail.
He sat, bourbon in one hand and unlit cigar in the other. She finally looked down and saw them...
Tonight wasn't about a pair of fancy boots with a high shine... not about the boots he wore to the dungeon with the buckles and accessories.
Tonight was about him, his everyday engineer boots carefully crossed at the ankle, fresh with dust and wear, just like him.
Without a thought, she dropped to her hands and knees and crawled towards him. She began licking the toe of one boot, lapping all of the dust off of it. The other boot came down on top of her neck, forcing her to remain there until he decided to release her.
She then got up and began loving the other boot. Her mouth started to dry up and she covered the boot with her salvia but soon she caught the familiar smell of a cigar and her mouth began to water again.
She knew what was coming.
Trying not to anticipate the evening, she reached for the soap and cleaned the leather of both boots. Next she dipped both hands into the vat of boot grease and began to gently massage his boot and feet, carefully pouring all of her care into her work.
As she finished the second boot and went to reach for a towel to wipe up the excess, he stopped her.
"Kneel," he gently demanded. Up she knelt, legs spread, head down, both open, and tongue out.
Gently, the ash from his cigar fell onto her tongue. She held it till he said "thank you" and she closed her mouth, savoring the feeling of the hot ash in her mouth.
His freshly cleaned boot then slid between her legs.
"Cum," he demanded.
With the fresh ash still in her mouth, she began to grind her clit into his boot. Eyes closed in pleasure, she felt an orgasm approaching very quickly.
He reached down and grabbed both of her nipples harshly. Instantaneously, she began to orgasm, squirting all over his left boot, soaking the leather again.
As she came down from her orgasms, she felt more ash come down on her body. Reaching up with hand still covered in boot grease, she began to rub the cooling ash into her skin.
"It looks like my boots are dirty again, girl," he said with a small smile, settling back into his favorite chair, puffing on his cigar.
She looked into his eyes, briefly pausing to notice the erection straining under his button fly jeans, and then began to re-clean his boots with her tongue.
It was good her favorite place to be was down at his feet... she was going to be there all night.
Sub Drop.... from nothing?
I didn't do anything!
At least with sub drop you got to do the fun stuff first.
I came home from my busy, busy weekend, took a nap, and woke up in a funk....
Hopefully some writing will help me process exactly what's going on so I don't have to stay in this funk.....
- Water
I spent Friday night with booze and then all day Saturday and Sunday morning out camping. I love the sun and was out in it whenever possible (even if everyone else was sitting in the shade). I'm probably a little dehydrated.
- Dealing with Stupid
I think I have a really high tolerance for dealing with stupid.... well at least higher than my closest friends. In fact, I run interference a lot of the time just 'cause it doesn't bother me..
So if it start to bother me.... it's really, REALLY stupid.
I mean I generally feel that I'm a nice person... but to have to pour a drink to deal with someone, and while drinking, still plan a homicide.... it's a whole lot of stupid.
I just don't get it... between the amazing level of stupid and my natural tendencies to protect my dear ones, I just used up a whole lot of my "give a fuck".... maybe all of it.
- Boys
Last weekend I had a play date on Friday and saw boy on Tuesday and Thursday. Poor thing... there's a bunch of vacations going on at work and he's working a whole lot trying to cover all the empty shifts. I guess it's what happens in management. The scary thing is.... I miss him... like I haven't seen him in 10 days and I miss him....
And he misses me... he said it... he was afraid that he was neglecting me and that I'd walk away. I miss him and I shared that, but I didn't tell him at all that I was starting to crash, 'cause he'd think it was his fault and feel worse. It's not his fault... There are all kinds of reasons to be in a funk... he'd just be one of the easiest ways to get out of it.
It's scary really liking a boy.....
So now I've written... I've taken my happy pills and eaten some food. I feel a bit better, not 100%, but better.
We'll see what side of the bed I wake up on....
At least with sub drop you got to do the fun stuff first.
I came home from my busy, busy weekend, took a nap, and woke up in a funk....
Hopefully some writing will help me process exactly what's going on so I don't have to stay in this funk.....
- Water
I spent Friday night with booze and then all day Saturday and Sunday morning out camping. I love the sun and was out in it whenever possible (even if everyone else was sitting in the shade). I'm probably a little dehydrated.
- Dealing with Stupid
I think I have a really high tolerance for dealing with stupid.... well at least higher than my closest friends. In fact, I run interference a lot of the time just 'cause it doesn't bother me..
So if it start to bother me.... it's really, REALLY stupid.
I mean I generally feel that I'm a nice person... but to have to pour a drink to deal with someone, and while drinking, still plan a homicide.... it's a whole lot of stupid.
I just don't get it... between the amazing level of stupid and my natural tendencies to protect my dear ones, I just used up a whole lot of my "give a fuck".... maybe all of it.
- Boys
Last weekend I had a play date on Friday and saw boy on Tuesday and Thursday. Poor thing... there's a bunch of vacations going on at work and he's working a whole lot trying to cover all the empty shifts. I guess it's what happens in management. The scary thing is.... I miss him... like I haven't seen him in 10 days and I miss him....
And he misses me... he said it... he was afraid that he was neglecting me and that I'd walk away. I miss him and I shared that, but I didn't tell him at all that I was starting to crash, 'cause he'd think it was his fault and feel worse. It's not his fault... There are all kinds of reasons to be in a funk... he'd just be one of the easiest ways to get out of it.
It's scary really liking a boy.....
So now I've written... I've taken my happy pills and eaten some food. I feel a bit better, not 100%, but better.
We'll see what side of the bed I wake up on....
Friday, July 12, 2013
I'm horny.....
Hello Libido!!!!
I'm horny....
And there are all kinds of dirty thoughts in my head....
Thoughts of being tied down and fucked in all 3 holes at once.
Thoughts of being spit and pissed on till I'm covered in fluids...
Thoughts of being beaten till I'm bloody and the blood of my ass can be used as lube to fuck my asshole.
Thoughts of coarse rope digging into my skin and being used to hold on and move body up and down on a hard cock...
Thoughts of a hand around my throat restricting the air entering my lungs as another hand wrings orgasms after orgasm out of my oxygen starved body.
Thoughts of teeth digging in to my shoulder as a huge cock pounds my cunt from behind.
And a nice cuddle after, sleeping warm wrapped up in their arms feeling the aches start as the endorphins start to fade....
I'm horny....
And there are all kinds of dirty thoughts in my head....
Thoughts of being tied down and fucked in all 3 holes at once.
Thoughts of being spit and pissed on till I'm covered in fluids...
Thoughts of being beaten till I'm bloody and the blood of my ass can be used as lube to fuck my asshole.
Thoughts of coarse rope digging into my skin and being used to hold on and move body up and down on a hard cock...
Thoughts of a hand around my throat restricting the air entering my lungs as another hand wrings orgasms after orgasm out of my oxygen starved body.
Thoughts of teeth digging in to my shoulder as a huge cock pounds my cunt from behind.
And a nice cuddle after, sleeping warm wrapped up in their arms feeling the aches start as the endorphins start to fade....
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Clingy
I'm afraid of being clingy...
Like really afraid.
No one has ever said that I was clingy.... but it's probably my biggest poly/general relationship fear.
I had my first boyfriend at nearly 18. Late bloomer would imply that I wasn't thinking about boys. I had been *man* crazy since I was 10 and ready erotica since about then.
I was nerd and I was chubby... but I was also one of the guys. They didn't stop their conversations when I came around like they did with the other girls. I was better at math and engineering than they were and could talk sports and action movies. They couldn't date me.... that would be weird.
My first (and only) vanilla relationship was long distance from the start. He was a year older and already at college, so I had the holiday/summer boyfriend.... for 3.5 years.
I think we did pretty well for long distance. I was that girl in the hallway on the phone with her boyfriend most nights, but we talked about everything from his latest race (he was on the crew team) to how the hometown sports teams were doing. I was the perfect girl... I did what he wanted before he could even ask for it.
But then he fell out of love with me....
This is all to say that I never really got to practice *being* with someone... I never got over NRE and then settled into a nice comfy "we're together" stage... I've never done that.
And I'm scared I don't know how.
Fast forward 6 months of celibacy and 6 months of saying yes to every guy who wanted me because, oh, a boy wants me...
Bringing a fear of clingy into poly probably wasn't the smartest thing I ever did. I quickly got a reputation for being a great poly partner. Female friends of mine thought I was great to date their husbands/boyfriends, 'cause they knew I'd respect all of the boundaries.
But I wasn't really getting all of my needs met....
I was so scared of being a bad poly partner, of over stepping my boundaries, that I nearly became a shell of myself. I couldn't let anyone in.. 'cause if I did and the I actually relied or needed them or something, they'd run away. And then I wouldn't be able to function without them.. better to not need anyone and always be self sufficient and be able to walk at a moment's notice.
I'm not saying it makes sense... just how my mind operated.
Then I dated P.... I was still pretty bad. I'd be afraid to call mid sub drop after a crazy intense scene for fear of being clingy/an inconvenience. I mean, we'd play Friday or Saturday and if I was going to drop, it would be Monday and that's *way* far removed from the play.
He eventually got tired of the clingy fear. It's one of the nice things of being submissive, is some things can be ordered/taken away. He put himself in charge of the "clingy" meter.... He promised to tell me if I was getting clingy and I promised to not feel like I was asking for too much until he told me....
He never told me I was being clingy....
Fast forward again and I have an amazing play date on Friday..... I know my pattern.... Monday is going to be the day I drop, if I drop.
But I didn't feel bad on Monday... things were going well.....
But I wanted to call him... to text.... to bask in his presence....
And the fear came up.
Oh fuck I'm getting attached... I'm not supposed to be... I should be ok and not needing anything....
Sub drop by way of a fear of being clingy is a new one, even for me.
Last night I wrote about masks.... and as I was processing it all, the clingy came back... So I said something. I said I had a problem with being clingy and that I think I was over compensating and thus not expressing accurate needs....
Well... that's not exactly true. Logically, from an outsider's perspective, I'm not clingy. I never really have been. But I guess I'm so afraid of it that the desire to see someone again, while the bruises are fresh and I haven't really come down, sends me into a panic that I'm doing something wrong....
Not sure how to fix it yet... I now know that I want to.... but I'm not sure where to head now...
On the flip side... I really have been liking the attention C has been paying me.... but I was afraid *he* was being clingy. Now that I look at it... it wasn't a fear of clingy... it was a fear that he was clingy and I wasn't supposed to like it. I like when he texts or calls or IMs or when he see s a cute Disney Toy and thinks of me....
But those are the things that I would do if I wasn't afraid of being clingy.. and since people don't like clingy, then I should be upset that he does them......
I gotta say blogging is way cheaper than therapy.... but crying in front of my lap top seems a bit sillier than crying in my therapist's office........
Like really afraid.
No one has ever said that I was clingy.... but it's probably my biggest poly/general relationship fear.
I had my first boyfriend at nearly 18. Late bloomer would imply that I wasn't thinking about boys. I had been *man* crazy since I was 10 and ready erotica since about then.
I was nerd and I was chubby... but I was also one of the guys. They didn't stop their conversations when I came around like they did with the other girls. I was better at math and engineering than they were and could talk sports and action movies. They couldn't date me.... that would be weird.
My first (and only) vanilla relationship was long distance from the start. He was a year older and already at college, so I had the holiday/summer boyfriend.... for 3.5 years.
I think we did pretty well for long distance. I was that girl in the hallway on the phone with her boyfriend most nights, but we talked about everything from his latest race (he was on the crew team) to how the hometown sports teams were doing. I was the perfect girl... I did what he wanted before he could even ask for it.
But then he fell out of love with me....
This is all to say that I never really got to practice *being* with someone... I never got over NRE and then settled into a nice comfy "we're together" stage... I've never done that.
And I'm scared I don't know how.
Fast forward 6 months of celibacy and 6 months of saying yes to every guy who wanted me because, oh, a boy wants me...
Bringing a fear of clingy into poly probably wasn't the smartest thing I ever did. I quickly got a reputation for being a great poly partner. Female friends of mine thought I was great to date their husbands/boyfriends, 'cause they knew I'd respect all of the boundaries.
But I wasn't really getting all of my needs met....
I was so scared of being a bad poly partner, of over stepping my boundaries, that I nearly became a shell of myself. I couldn't let anyone in.. 'cause if I did and the I actually relied or needed them or something, they'd run away. And then I wouldn't be able to function without them.. better to not need anyone and always be self sufficient and be able to walk at a moment's notice.
I'm not saying it makes sense... just how my mind operated.
Then I dated P.... I was still pretty bad. I'd be afraid to call mid sub drop after a crazy intense scene for fear of being clingy/an inconvenience. I mean, we'd play Friday or Saturday and if I was going to drop, it would be Monday and that's *way* far removed from the play.
He eventually got tired of the clingy fear. It's one of the nice things of being submissive, is some things can be ordered/taken away. He put himself in charge of the "clingy" meter.... He promised to tell me if I was getting clingy and I promised to not feel like I was asking for too much until he told me....
He never told me I was being clingy....
Fast forward again and I have an amazing play date on Friday..... I know my pattern.... Monday is going to be the day I drop, if I drop.
But I didn't feel bad on Monday... things were going well.....
But I wanted to call him... to text.... to bask in his presence....
And the fear came up.
Oh fuck I'm getting attached... I'm not supposed to be... I should be ok and not needing anything....
Sub drop by way of a fear of being clingy is a new one, even for me.
Last night I wrote about masks.... and as I was processing it all, the clingy came back... So I said something. I said I had a problem with being clingy and that I think I was over compensating and thus not expressing accurate needs....
Well... that's not exactly true. Logically, from an outsider's perspective, I'm not clingy. I never really have been. But I guess I'm so afraid of it that the desire to see someone again, while the bruises are fresh and I haven't really come down, sends me into a panic that I'm doing something wrong....
Not sure how to fix it yet... I now know that I want to.... but I'm not sure where to head now...
On the flip side... I really have been liking the attention C has been paying me.... but I was afraid *he* was being clingy. Now that I look at it... it wasn't a fear of clingy... it was a fear that he was clingy and I wasn't supposed to like it. I like when he texts or calls or IMs or when he see s a cute Disney Toy and thinks of me....
But those are the things that I would do if I wasn't afraid of being clingy.. and since people don't like clingy, then I should be upset that he does them......
I gotta say blogging is way cheaper than therapy.... but crying in front of my lap top seems a bit sillier than crying in my therapist's office........
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
I don't know...
My English teachers always said the title to a piece sometimes doesn't come until it's written....
There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....
So I don't know seems appropriate.
I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend. I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.
"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked. I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.
"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."
I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist.... Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....
The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....
Everyday, we walk around with masks.... Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything. There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl.... There's the fiercely independent mask. It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.
I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...
But it's kind of a half mask....
It's hiding the masochist...
And I'm not really sure why.........
I know it took me a while to embrace it. I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone. I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....
Well that's not true....
There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....
There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...
There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....
There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...
But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.
She's not the most.....
I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...
But that's not true.
I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing. She knows where yellow is. She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...
It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.
I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....
I remember my very first scene in a public space. I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too. While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down. I'd never been high before off of endorphins...
And I did not like it....
I was not in control.
I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head. I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.
That came back to me on Friday. I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...
But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....
And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding. I couldn't get back....
And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to. "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.
That was even harder. I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...
And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....
So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.
"You're here... with me. You don't have to come back till you're ready to."
But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....
And the tears kept coming. I couldn't come back. I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.
It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high. The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time. And they couldn't handle it.
Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate). I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.
I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.
The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.
By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down. We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.
It was nice.....
Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....
It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*
There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....
So I don't know seems appropriate.
I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend. I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.
"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked. I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.
"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."
I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist.... Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....
The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....
Everyday, we walk around with masks.... Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything. There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl.... There's the fiercely independent mask. It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.
I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...
But it's kind of a half mask....
It's hiding the masochist...
And I'm not really sure why.........
I know it took me a while to embrace it. I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone. I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....
Well that's not true....
There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....
There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...
There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....
There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...
But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.
She's not the most.....
I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...
But that's not true.
I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing. She knows where yellow is. She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...
It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.
I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....
I remember my very first scene in a public space. I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too. While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down. I'd never been high before off of endorphins...
And I did not like it....
I was not in control.
I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head. I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.
That came back to me on Friday. I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...
But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....
And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding. I couldn't get back....
And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to. "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.
That was even harder. I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...
And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....
So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.
"You're here... with me. You don't have to come back till you're ready to."
But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....
And the tears kept coming. I couldn't come back. I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.
It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high. The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time. And they couldn't handle it.
Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate). I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.
I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.
The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.
By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down. We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.
It was nice.....
Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....
It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*
Monday, July 8, 2013
Soothing Egos
Well.... not really....
Not in a bad way...
So I had my awesome crazy fun play date on Friday. It went amazing.
As I was driving home, I get a call from C.
Apparently none of his texts for about half a day had come through and he wanted to make sure my play date went well and I was ok.
It was very cute. He checked on me and wanted me to let him know I got home safe.
We chatted and talked all weekend and I know I was pretty out of it recovering.
Today... a little bit of doubt came up in a conversation.
"It sounds like you had a lot of fun on your date... I hope I'm as much fun for you..."
I nipped it in the butt as soon as I could.
I explained how everything/one is different and that I really enjoy exactly what we have together. That he didn't need to be more hard core 'cause I didn't need it all of the time, just some of the time.
And that he was plenty mean to me.. and that I had photographic evidence of what fun I have with him with me being blissed out of my mind.
That's all it took and he was back to happy, flirty self.
So.... I guess he likes me.... He was all cute and worried that he wasn't mean enough....
But I like him exactly the way he is ;-)
Not in a bad way...
So I had my awesome crazy fun play date on Friday. It went amazing.
As I was driving home, I get a call from C.
Apparently none of his texts for about half a day had come through and he wanted to make sure my play date went well and I was ok.
It was very cute. He checked on me and wanted me to let him know I got home safe.
We chatted and talked all weekend and I know I was pretty out of it recovering.
Today... a little bit of doubt came up in a conversation.
"It sounds like you had a lot of fun on your date... I hope I'm as much fun for you..."
I nipped it in the butt as soon as I could.
I explained how everything/one is different and that I really enjoy exactly what we have together. That he didn't need to be more hard core 'cause I didn't need it all of the time, just some of the time.
And that he was plenty mean to me.. and that I had photographic evidence of what fun I have with him with me being blissed out of my mind.
That's all it took and he was back to happy, flirty self.
So.... I guess he likes me.... He was all cute and worried that he wasn't mean enough....
But I like him exactly the way he is ;-)
Vignette #3
The hardest part, the most tears, was when I had to fight the lizard brain....
Don't let him do this, it said, fight back...
When fighting that internal fight, I just didn't have the ability to process the pain and ended up sobbing...
Once I could form words, I said what had been going around in my brain...
Well you can tell your lizard brain, he said, that it would never win anyway...
Later (please don't ask me to guess on time), it got intense again. Instead of saying anything, I just reacted. It's like all of my martial arts came back to me. I used a trick to slip one wrist free and started working on the other.
But he's bigger *and* faster than me.... and knew the tricks I was pulling. I fought back as hard as I could and tried to get away. I might succeed in getting an arm free, but I was never close to winning.
Eventually the tears came again and the begging.... Please Poppa.... please stop hurting me.... please....
And I slipped again into nothingness....
Don't let him do this, it said, fight back...
When fighting that internal fight, I just didn't have the ability to process the pain and ended up sobbing...
Once I could form words, I said what had been going around in my brain...
Well you can tell your lizard brain, he said, that it would never win anyway...
Later (please don't ask me to guess on time), it got intense again. Instead of saying anything, I just reacted. It's like all of my martial arts came back to me. I used a trick to slip one wrist free and started working on the other.
But he's bigger *and* faster than me.... and knew the tricks I was pulling. I fought back as hard as I could and tried to get away. I might succeed in getting an arm free, but I was never close to winning.
Eventually the tears came again and the begging.... Please Poppa.... please stop hurting me.... please....
And I slipped again into nothingness....
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Vignette #2
Take a look at this video (NSFW of course..... go to about a minute)
I squirt like this....
A lot....
All over the place..... over and over again.
I couldn't stop...
I just had to sit around and let the orgasms flow through me...
And I loved it.
I squirt like this....
A lot....
All over the place..... over and over again.
I couldn't stop...
I just had to sit around and let the orgasms flow through me...
And I loved it.
Vignette # 1
I can't think of my play date in any kind of chronological order, so I'll write about things as they come to me....
I'd picked up two venti Mint teas... they'd been sitting there through lots of different things.
He then told me to go give myself an enema with the liquid.
We were going to play a game: I had to get the enema in..... he had to try and get it out....
My ass was already well used so the mint didn't tingle at all on the way in (or later out) and I took the full thing easily.
I sat on the toilet, he came around the corner with a blow dark thing (I don't know what it was called at all).
And so it began... I tried to keep the enema in while he blew small animal stun caps at my tender bits.....
Saturday, July 6, 2013
And So It Happened.....
Weeks of lead up....
A whole week of edging....
And then it happened....
As I lay here covered in bite marks and bruises the individual acts don't really stick out....
It my brain.... or how it's put itself back together.
As was to be expected I was nervous... I didn't want to be a disappointment.
For the first time in a long time... I reduced to tears.... not really tears... full fledged sobbing...
And not just once....
The first time, I was not ok with being there... I tried to fight my way back... to be normal and put myself back together.
And failed and fell further into the tears.
I had a moment of wishing to be normal... why do I do these things? Why do I let people hurt me? Why do I end up in tears over it in the end when I wanted it?
With some help... I was able to come back... to put enough pieces together to look at what was going on in my head... that it was ok to be totally gone and just ride the experience...
The next time I was in tears (or was it two or three times later) I was able to relax and let the tears come. I didn't try to come back to reality too quickly. I was able to sit in the tears... the empty brain with nothing but release.
I'm not trying to speak it into existence, but I'm guessing I'll have more blogging to write as I continue to process things....
For now, I think I'm going just going to poke my marks and smile at myself....
A whole week of edging....
And then it happened....
As I lay here covered in bite marks and bruises the individual acts don't really stick out....
It my brain.... or how it's put itself back together.
As was to be expected I was nervous... I didn't want to be a disappointment.
For the first time in a long time... I reduced to tears.... not really tears... full fledged sobbing...
And not just once....
The first time, I was not ok with being there... I tried to fight my way back... to be normal and put myself back together.
And failed and fell further into the tears.
I had a moment of wishing to be normal... why do I do these things? Why do I let people hurt me? Why do I end up in tears over it in the end when I wanted it?
With some help... I was able to come back... to put enough pieces together to look at what was going on in my head... that it was ok to be totally gone and just ride the experience...
The next time I was in tears (or was it two or three times later) I was able to relax and let the tears come. I didn't try to come back to reality too quickly. I was able to sit in the tears... the empty brain with nothing but release.
I'm not trying to speak it into existence, but I'm guessing I'll have more blogging to write as I continue to process things....
For now, I think I'm going just going to poke my marks and smile at myself....
A Week of Edging
The next couple of posts are kind of back dated... I wrote this one as it happened but am posting it after the play date the edgings were for happened...
Big Poppa and I made the date over a month ago so I’ve had a lot of lead up. Here’s the running note i have running on my phone:
Date with Saynine
July 5th
4pm5 days (6/30 – 7/4)
6 edgings
4 not at homeRunny mascaraDenim mini Skirt no pantiesRed lipstickFlats okDrink 2l water on the drive (still)No pee breaksEasy off clothesBack up comfy clothesSnacksEnema kitTest lipstick on leather
Hot, right??
So it’s Sunday. I’m already crawling up the wall a little bit but at least I’ve got 5 of 6 edgings done.
Edgings: masturbating to the point of orgasming and stopping short.
I’m sure it will only get harder.
I’m not allowed to cum but there is one exception: if another partner I’m playing with allows me to cum.
Of course I play with/date sadists. C is coming over Monday after work. I saw him Thursday before I left. He had less than an hour so he came over and fucked my ass and left. It was totally hot. He’s been appraised of the situation and hasn’t decided if I’m good enough to let me cum. It kind of makes me like him more.
So the edgings so far (oh yea I can’t repeat a location in a day and need to remember them all):
- hotel bathroom
- my bed in the hotel (at like 3am with everyone else passed out).
- the bathroom outside the restaurant in the hotel.
- the airplane bathroom
- my seat on the plane.
- my bed in the hotel (at like 3am with everyone else passed out).
- the bathroom outside the restaurant in the hotel.
- the airplane bathroom
- my seat on the plane.
Did you know how much airplanes vibrate?!?!?!?!?!?
I’m so excited for Friday and a little bit scared. I feel like maybe I talk too big of a talk and then I’m afraid of failing in the end. But I also need to accept that failing would be good for the dominant: less work for them to do 
– my car parked in my parking lot.
Monday
I started early (12:30am). I nearly threw my hitachi across the room to keep from cumming. I wanted to cum so bad it hurt.
- my bed
- my car in the parking lot
- work bathroom
- starbucks bathroom
- togo’s bathroom
- my car in the parking lot
- work bathroom
- starbucks bathroom
- togo’s bathroom
Now I’m laying here and C is coming over soon. He’s going to use me horribly.. and hasn’t decided if he’s going to let me cum or not. The last edging for the night is for him and while I’ve been waiting, I’ve bee reading Saynine’s post of his micro erotica. Dead god I’m climbing up the walls….
C is gone… I’m laying in the wet spot from our fun and am sore all over. He gave me an orgasm… but I didn’t enjoy it for the pleasure…. I was only allowed to cum if he could get his whole fist in me. It hurt… a lot (his hands are huge). But as soon as he said I could, I was cumming all over his fist. It stole the orgasm from me… no gentle crescendo, just spasms around a stiff object and pain leading to being even more horny for the rest of the evening.
- On the floor of my apt, fingered with C’s cock gagging me
Tuesday
- In Bed reading more #FuckToyFriday
- In Bed reading more #FuckToyFriday
Ugh I woke up really sore so I didn’t get any more edging in till after lunch… I kind of bar hopped the dirty slut way…
- Old Pro Bathroom
- Rudy’s Bathroom
- Mallard’s bathroom
- Car parked outside of Mallard’s
- New desk chair
- Rudy’s Bathroom
- Mallard’s bathroom
- Car parked outside of Mallard’s
- New desk chair
Wednesday
- Shower
- Crepevine Bathroom
- Bed
- Car outside Wicked grounds
- Wicked grounds bathroom
- Cat Club/Bagg bathroom
I came back and a friend said “you weren’t gone long.” It’s not about the time, but about the feeling of wanting to cry from the frustration of not getting to finish. That’s not taking very long these days….
Thursday
- Bed
- Shower
- Car in the parking lot
- Bed
- Shower
- Car in the parking lot
C came and picked me up. We were planning a vanilla-ish afternoon…. which turned into wild face fucking and watching porn….
- C’s living with while gagging on his cock
We napped and cuddled (he snores… all the guys I date snore) and then went for food…
- 5 guys bathroom
We came back, watched some fireworks, and then were curled up watching Independence Day when he got horny…
I sucked him a bit and then he decided he wanted my ass (he’s totally an ass guy I think).
- C’s bed riding his cock in my ass.
So that’s 30 edgings in 5 days. I’m curled up in bed and can feel my girly bits nearly humming….
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Risk Aversion
It struck me last night that I take better care of myself when someone else cares.... and that that's weird....
I'd going to Bondage A Go Go but got there later than I normally do so I ended up parking slightly farther away (right next to the Shell station by Mr. S).
I grabbed a coffee from Wicked Grounds and then went to get my dance/drink on. Since I knew C would care, I made an explicit plan for what I was going to drink and how I was going to space them and when I was going to stop. I never do that. I normally drink till I'm done and then sit till I'm sober. But I knew C would be happy if I told him a plan so I did it... without really thinking about it, I just did.
The night comes to an end... I'm sober but tired and nearly ready to go. Normally I just head to my car....
But I knew if C knew I was walking alone on 8th street, he wouldn't be happy.
I asked a friend who was leaving if he'd walk me to my car. He offered to drop me off since his car was really close and he and his partner could make sure I got to my car. They dropped me off and then waited till I was in my car with it started before waving good night.
I texted C to let him know I was in my car (and how I got there) and then again once I was home in bed (horny). He was really appreciative of the steps I'd taken and I got the every wonderful "good girl."
But what does it mean about me that I take better care of myself 'cause someone else cares? Is it a self worth issue? No, I don't feel bad about myself....
I think it's a risk issue. I take risks. I'm aware of the risks and make decisions based on my risk aversion level (OMG grad school nerd talk... risk aversion).
But when someone else is involved, my risk aversion increases. I'm not willing to allow them to worry.
An interesting thing to ponder.....
I'd going to Bondage A Go Go but got there later than I normally do so I ended up parking slightly farther away (right next to the Shell station by Mr. S).
I grabbed a coffee from Wicked Grounds and then went to get my dance/drink on. Since I knew C would care, I made an explicit plan for what I was going to drink and how I was going to space them and when I was going to stop. I never do that. I normally drink till I'm done and then sit till I'm sober. But I knew C would be happy if I told him a plan so I did it... without really thinking about it, I just did.
The night comes to an end... I'm sober but tired and nearly ready to go. Normally I just head to my car....
But I knew if C knew I was walking alone on 8th street, he wouldn't be happy.
I asked a friend who was leaving if he'd walk me to my car. He offered to drop me off since his car was really close and he and his partner could make sure I got to my car. They dropped me off and then waited till I was in my car with it started before waving good night.
I texted C to let him know I was in my car (and how I got there) and then again once I was home in bed (horny). He was really appreciative of the steps I'd taken and I got the every wonderful "good girl."
But what does it mean about me that I take better care of myself 'cause someone else cares? Is it a self worth issue? No, I don't feel bad about myself....
I think it's a risk issue. I take risks. I'm aware of the risks and make decisions based on my risk aversion level (OMG grad school nerd talk... risk aversion).
But when someone else is involved, my risk aversion increases. I'm not willing to allow them to worry.
An interesting thing to ponder.....
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
#FuckToyFriday
Since I've totally turned into Big Poppa's fan girl, I thought I might highlight my favorites #FuckToyFriday posts from the mass list he posted. Probably not an interesting blog post, but something to come back to for myself....
2011-01-21 18:21:51 +0000
You take two weeks off from work so I can finally give you the beating you have begged me for. #FucktoyFriday
2011-01-22 02:22:22 +0000
Yeah, I know you are intelligent and independent, now shut the fuck up and open your fuckhole! You are an object to me! #FucktoyFriday
2011-01-28 18:12:19 +0000
One hand around your throat is all it takes to choke you, the other slaps your face you filthy whore! #FucktoyFriday
2011-02-04 19:33:11 +0000
I don’t care who’s baby is in that swollen belly, your cunt is mine tonight. I’ll give you back to hubby tomorrow girl. #FucktoyFriday
2011-02-18 13:40:50 +0000
You stand before me trembling! You have waited for this day for so long. The day you discover the filthy whore inside of you #FucktoyFriday
2011-02-18 17:22:55 +0000
My belt around your throat, my boot on your face! This is were you are reminded that you breathe because I allow it #FucktoyFriday
2011-03-11 13:40:37 +0000
My hands around your throat, I stare into your eyes as you struggle and fade, my cock filling your cunt with cum. #FucktoyFriday
2011-04-01 12:51:15 +0000
Ragged breath escape your lungs as my belt tightens around your throat. My cock presses against your asshole. You shudder. #FucktoyFriday
2011-04-08 12:01:24 +0000
On your knees, looking up, naked, innocent, a sacrifice to the fury. Your suffering will feed him little girl #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast
2011-04-29 20:39:15 +0000
This is your last chance, understand, to stay is to consent to all. DO YOU UNDERSTAND FOOLISH GIRL? #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast you nod yes.
2011-05-13 12:35:55 +0000
You look up with fear as I take my cock out of your mouth long enough to slip my wide belt around your throat. Suck, whore #FucktoyFriday
2011-05-13 19:18:43 +0000
You come into the room and see the noose on the bed, then it is around your throat. Will this man let you live? #FucktoyFriday
2011-06-03 16:36:04 +0000
The fucking begins, but the choking makes it all a blur, hovering between unconscious & conscious. Angry thrusts #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast
2011-06-24 12:23:56 +0000
You shudder when I remove my belt, you lift your hair so I can wrap it around your throat and you reflexively open your mouth #FucktoyFriday
2011-06-24 16:21:35 +0000
Hand covers your mouth & nose. I bury my cock in your ass you suck for air. There is none. The orgasm in your ass explodes #FucktoyFriday
2011-09-23 16:25:14 +0000
Don’t you close your eyes girl, look at me while I hold your very life, hand around your throat, my cock splitting your cunt #FucktoyFriday
2011-10-28 21:18:12 +0000
With gloved hands I remove the ginger and put a rubber on my swollen cock, your asshole burns as I force in my cock. #FucktoyFriday
2012-08-03 16:28:27 +0000
A huge hand lifts your hips, you are penetrated, cunt and soul. Is this cock or evil that impales you? #TheBeast #FucktoyFriday
2013-01-25 16:30:21 +0000
Hold my gaze girl. I know you can barely see now. Poppa holds your life. Trust me. My grip on your throat is my lust. #FucktoyFriday
2013-01-25 20:53:48 +0000
Be still girl, I am cutting my initials in your ass. This blade is very sharp. Your blood will spill on my cock as I fuck you #FucktoyFriday
2013-05-03 13:39:33 +0000
Your cunt is soaked, but I lube my cock with your blood before I impale you. We are smeared in your life as I burry my cock #FucktoyFriday
2013-05-03 13:42:31 +0000
One more cut, this one low on your belly, the blood between us hot and sticky as I fuck you. Groans and gasps #FucktoyFriday
2011-04-01 12:51:15 +0000
Ragged breath escape your lungs as my belt tightens around your throat. My cock presses against your asshole. You shudder. #FucktoyFriday
2011-04-08 12:01:24 +0000
On your knees, looking up, naked, innocent, a sacrifice to the fury. Your suffering will feed him little girl #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast
2011-04-29 20:39:15 +0000
This is your last chance, understand, to stay is to consent to all. DO YOU UNDERSTAND FOOLISH GIRL? #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast you nod yes.
2011-05-13 12:35:55 +0000
You look up with fear as I take my cock out of your mouth long enough to slip my wide belt around your throat. Suck, whore #FucktoyFriday
2011-05-13 19:18:43 +0000
You come into the room and see the noose on the bed, then it is around your throat. Will this man let you live? #FucktoyFriday
2011-06-03 16:36:04 +0000
The fucking begins, but the choking makes it all a blur, hovering between unconscious & conscious. Angry thrusts #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast
2011-06-24 12:23:56 +0000
You shudder when I remove my belt, you lift your hair so I can wrap it around your throat and you reflexively open your mouth #FucktoyFriday
2011-06-24 16:21:35 +0000
Hand covers your mouth & nose. I bury my cock in your ass you suck for air. There is none. The orgasm in your ass explodes #FucktoyFriday
2011-09-23 16:25:14 +0000
Don’t you close your eyes girl, look at me while I hold your very life, hand around your throat, my cock splitting your cunt #FucktoyFriday
2011-10-28 21:18:12 +0000
With gloved hands I remove the ginger and put a rubber on my swollen cock, your asshole burns as I force in my cock. #FucktoyFriday
2012-08-03 16:28:27 +0000
A huge hand lifts your hips, you are penetrated, cunt and soul. Is this cock or evil that impales you? #TheBeast #FucktoyFriday
2013-01-25 16:30:21 +0000
Hold my gaze girl. I know you can barely see now. Poppa holds your life. Trust me. My grip on your throat is my lust. #FucktoyFriday
2013-01-25 20:53:48 +0000
Be still girl, I am cutting my initials in your ass. This blade is very sharp. Your blood will spill on my cock as I fuck you #FucktoyFriday
2013-05-03 13:39:33 +0000
Your cunt is soaked, but I lube my cock with your blood before I impale you. We are smeared in your life as I burry my cock #FucktoyFriday
2013-05-03 13:42:31 +0000
One more cut, this one low on your belly, the blood between us hot and sticky as I fuck you. Groans and gasps #FucktoyFriday
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The Wet Spot
(a bit darker/more extreme than some of my other writings... you've been warned).
The towels are in the wash.
I guess I could change the sheets.
But I want to sleep in the wet spot...
It's from my cunt gushing when he shoved his cock and a dildo in my sore pussy at the same time while I begged for mercy....
It's from my dripping cunt while he fucked my ass with no lube, not caring if it hurt or not...
It's from the one orgasm I was allowed... with his entire fist shoved tight into my pussy, the spasms leading to more pain around his hand.
It's the mixture of spit, mucus, and piss that are the byproduct of a severe throat fucking.
I hurt....
But the wet spot is keeping me company since his hand is gone from around my throat....
The towels are in the wash.
I guess I could change the sheets.
But I want to sleep in the wet spot...
It's from my cunt gushing when he shoved his cock and a dildo in my sore pussy at the same time while I begged for mercy....
It's from my dripping cunt while he fucked my ass with no lube, not caring if it hurt or not...
It's from the one orgasm I was allowed... with his entire fist shoved tight into my pussy, the spasms leading to more pain around his hand.
It's the mixture of spit, mucus, and piss that are the byproduct of a severe throat fucking.
I hurt....
But the wet spot is keeping me company since his hand is gone from around my throat....
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