A practicing submissive

So.......

I keep staring at a blank blog post.

This has been trying to come out of my brain for a while....

And yet I sit here staring at the blankness hoping something will start to trickle out.

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I don't feel submissive anymore.

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That was harder to get out than I thought it would be.

It started when the SF Service Salon group started last year.  Several people pointed it out to me as something that would be up my alley.

It totally, on paper, looked like something that would interest me... but I had this deep visceral dislike of the whole thing.

At the time I saw it as a fundamental difference in opinions in service and submission.  I don't get filled at all from service by itself.  What's filling (what was filling?) to me was the service and the symbiotic relationship with the individual.

It's like boot blacking.  Blacking at a stand is about providing a service... and you get tipped for that service.  I'm a jovial happy person, but not particularly submissive.

Doing Sir's (a hypothetical Sir of course since I don't have one) booth in the privacy of home is completely different.  It's a back and forth of energy between two people and the boots is just the medium for that exchange.

So fast forward months... add in two or three different medicine regimes and two differing diagnoses...

And I'm not feeling submissive at all.

It doesn't have any draw anymore.

Raunchy kinky sex sounds fun.

Beatings sound ok (not even that's drawing me in).

Basically rough sex with some hair pulling is all that seems interesting (again in theory 'cause, well, I suck at scheduling).

Well and then not rough, vanilla-ish sex sounds good too.

Everything else just seems.... fake?

No that's not the feeling....

shallow?

empty?

unfulfilling?

None of those are right but the right words doesn't want to come out (and forcing it just makes it burry down deeper in my sub conscious).

I also have some friends who gave up on kink.... and seem to be really happy.  They decided it wasn't worth it and gave the husband/kids track a try and seem to have more fulfilling lives (yea I know grass is greener but hey, this is my pity party so I'm allowed to admire that grass).

It's also just not been a great time to be kinky.  I've purposely stayed the fuck out of all of the drama on fetlife.  It just seems like... like power struggles and feelings of community... where no community exists.  I never ever went to an event and thought I wasn't 100% responsible for my person, that I wasn't the only person who would stick up for me, but that's just me.

It just makes me want to run away screaming from everything kinky and make do with my occasional (very occasional) fucks with kink-light boys.

But I'm not very submissive.... it feels like a role I played for a dozen or so years on a show that's been canceled...

Med Changes

So I'm not a week off of the mood stabilizer.

I don't feel flat anymore... I get the normal ups and downs of life.

I'm not nearly as tired as I was (though I'm still sleeping a lot).

My sex drive is back with a vengeance.

-BUT-

I can't sleep through the night to save my life.  I'm at only one wake up around 3 am.

I'm still tired which may be the anti anxiety or the not sleeping through the night.

I still have no tolerance for drama, foolishness, some silliness, or conflict.  The good is it doesn't affect me.  The bad is I just pack up and walk away from all of it.

Another week on this and then we see the doc about what he thinks we should try next...

Blank Canvas

I'm not sure what's going to come out here.

Sometimes you just start writing 'cause you can tell something wants out but you're not 100% sure what it may be.

It's before 8pm on a Friday night and I'm ready for bed.  I'd say it was lame except it makes me feel happy.

Tryst is tonight at the Citadel.  I kind of wish I had the energy for it...

But I also  know that I'm not really in a place to be trying to meet new people.

I haven't broached poly yet with my new psychologist.  We're just starting to work on some identity stuff and relationship stuff so we're eventually going to get close to it.

We did start looking at what is important to me.  I feel bad saying no if a relationship looks good on paper but I don't get any kind of "spark."  She thinks that spark/chemistry is important to me and that it's more than ok to take a couple of dates to see if it's there.

But we both agree that I've got bigger fish to fry more immediately.  I see the new psychiatrist on Monday.  I think I want completely off the mood stabilizer and them maybe a different anti anxiety drug...

I've also in all aspects need to work on taking care of me... eating, sleeping, meditation, exercise (once I'm not exhausted all the time), and not letting my care-taking nature drain me.

I forget it all the time... but I'm an introvert...  I sit at work in an open office layout with people around all the time...  That's really draining.  I'm taking Monday off (for the doctor and some other fun stuff) but am working Sunday in exchange.  I'm kind of excited for the quiet and how much work I might get done.

The introvert needs to be charged more often and it's been dragging me home alone away from people until it gets what it needs.

And the dating won't happen till the meds are changed and the introvert is re-charged.

And then we'll address poly.

Well maybe...

I'm not looking to find more secondary guys.  I really enjoy the ones I've got.. the play partners, the out of town people, the locals, the fuck buddies...  Whatever you call them, they're great.

What I'm looking for looks enough like a "regular" (not the right word) boyfriend that I can frame it that way with the psychologist and then adjust it to what I need if I don't feel the need to discuss poly with her.  Right now I don't, mostly 'cause that's not what's causing me any sort of mental load.

We'll see....

This took 45 minutes to come out... I think I'll stop now.... but we'll see if more decides to drip out of my brain over the course of the weekend....