And So It Happened.....

Weeks of lead up....

A whole week of edging....

And then it happened....

As I lay here covered in bite marks and bruises  the individual acts don't really stick out....

It my brain.... or how it's put itself back together.

As was to be expected I was nervous... I didn't want to be a disappointment.

For the first time in a long time... I reduced to tears.... not really tears... full fledged sobbing...

And not just once....

The first time, I was not ok with being there... I tried to fight my way back... to be normal and put myself back together.

And failed and fell further into the tears.

I had a moment of wishing to be normal... why do I do these things? Why do I let people hurt me?  Why do I end up in tears over it in the end when I wanted it?

With some help... I was able to come back... to put enough pieces together to look at what was going on in my head... that it was ok to be totally gone and just ride the experience...

The next time I was in tears (or was it two or three times later) I was able to relax and let the tears come.  I didn't try to come back to reality too quickly.  I was able to sit in the tears... the empty brain with nothing but release.

I'm not trying to speak it into existence, but I'm guessing I'll have more blogging to write as I continue to process things....

For now, I think I'm going just going to poke my marks and smile at myself....