What do I want??

What do I want....

What *do* I want.........

They say you can't go after what you want until you know what it is... so sometimes it's worth it to sit and really think about wants, needs, and desires.

I'm pretty sure that what I'm about to write about is not a need.  I'd like to have all of these things, but the world won't end if I don't get them.  I'm pretty self sufficient and I like that about me.

So.., we get to wants.....

A friend posted a link to a great article on FetLife, and it's got me thinking (it's quick, take a look.  I'm going to write as if you read it).

It really spoke to me... in certain ways.

At 31, I've never lived with a romantic partner.  I've never done more than a couple of days away with one.  I really like that I like living alone.

Does it mean that I don't want a partner, no, just that I don't want a partner that needs me to be attached to their hip 24/7.

But,it doesn't mean that I only want to be involved in secondary relationships.

I know people try and I don't mean this in a bad way....

But being second all the time fucking sucks.

It's not something I say, because I know what I'm getting into when I sign up for that kind of relationship...

But I'm getting less and less willing to walk into those types of dynamics.

Whether you're married or just married to your job/kids/xbox, I'm only going to be interested if you actually have the time and energy to put into me.  The desires I have, especially the kink ones, may not require constant attention, but they do require a depth of commitment and connection, and that's really all I want these days.

I think I could get some pick up play... but I don't know if I want it.

I want to hurt... but I want to hurt to please someone who wants to hurt me... and so I need to please them.

If I don't want to please you, I find that I have little to no pain tolerance right now, that I can't hit sub space from the pain I do get, and that I'm really just annoyed with everything you do.

So what is it that I want?

I was thinking a long distance, D/s relationship sounds perfect: regular texts/calls, quarterly in person visits, some every day rituals and then a higher level of ritual to go into when in person.

Does it have to look like that?  Nah, I'm open...

But I feel like that is about the level I need.  I don't need to see you every day.  I don't know if I'd want to see you more than once a week.

But I need (hmmm is it a need?) a regular connection... something to keep things going even if it's small...

It feels like I'm looking for a lot... but that's ok... I think I'd rather have nothing than something that's only a close approximation of what I want.

Plan of attack

I'm hoping if I write it all down, I'll get it out of my head and be able to sleep (eventually).

So I think I'm going to drop the $200 to get the crazy fancy HSV Western Blot Serology test.  It's considered the gold standard of all HSV tests.  The only place that does it is at the University of Washington so you have to jump the hoops to get your sample sent there for testing.

Step 1 - Call University of Washington

Step 2 - Email doctor that I want to get this done and get her to fill out the requisition (I don't anticipate this being hard).

Step 3 - Find a lab.  This could be tricky.  The lab needs to either consent to sending the sample off to the University of Washington over night, packed in ice, or they need to release the sample back to me so that I can do it.  The internet tells me that the big labs won't do it so either PAMF will say yes or I've gotta keep calling around.

Step 4 - Pay for it.  Money is the easy part.

Step 5 - Wait

Step 6 - Profit... wait no, wrong type of plan.

Home

I nearly cried on the train on the way to the airport.

It was Sunday afternoon.  I was up till nearly 5am local time working.  I forgot me anti-depressants and even though it was after 2pm, I hadn't had any food yet.

And I missed my mommy.

It was a whirlwind visit.  I hadn't been home since Christmas.  I saw my high school friends, my dad's family, my mom's family, and my brother and his girlfriend.

I spent a day with my sister and helped her prep for her new puppy.

I feel like I'm missing out.

I've lived in CA for 9 years this month.  I moved out for grad school and just never went back east.

I have a decent job that pays me well and a good group of friends.

But that's all that I've got out here.  If I look at my family (closer than second cousin), after me, the furthest west person are in DC (it is further west than Boston).  Family is really important to me.  I talk to my mom nearly every day (6 out of 7 I'd guess).

So what do I do?

I know my depression is acting up (yay, we might up my meds again) and I'm hoping I'm ovulating...

But maybe I have to start examining what a move back to the east coast would look like...