Oh yea.... I have a blog.
So I don't know the answer to this... but I've been working with my psychologist on the beginnings relationship stuff.
So I have some data... but I can't decide which theory explains the data.
Observations: I continually enter into secondary/non primary/play relationships. I say that I would like to have a primary relationship.
Theory 1: I want a primary relationship but somehow don't believe that I deserve one, so I keep taking what I can get.
Theory 2: I don't really want a primary relationship but I haven't gotten over the societal programming that that's what I should want to do.
I'm pretty sure that the truth is some mix of theories 1 and 2....
If theory 1 is true, then I can see a lot of self esteem work to be done. That's actually some stuff that I'm already working on. I'm training for a half marathon but that's the end goal of my working out these days. I'm running so I can finish the race, not so that I can change my body. I think I'm going to start doing some more core work, not to be thinner, but to be able to do some more complicated bondage stuff. Every day is a struggle (I know I'm not unique in this), but I feel like things are getting easier/better.
If theory 2 is true, then I need to re-examine what my end game of happiness is...
I went to two amazing classes today by Stefano and Shay on bottoming. It's all still rolling around in my brain, but the first thing that really came out to me is how important that kink is to me...
I think about settling down with my 2.5 kids and my white picket fence... and how that's not complete without a collar and a secret basement dungeon.
It's almost like the collar and the basement dungeon are more important than the kids and the fence... or maybe even than the having someone all to myself...
I'm going to keep looking at the data I have.... but I assume there will be more posts on this topic as my brain figures out what it wants to do....
