I'm Bruised

I played with E tonight. It was... well I'm not clear enough to talk about it yet. He beat me and beat me....and bear me some more. I sobbed... was really crying for a bit..... I'm pretty bruised.

Dungeon

Going to the dungeon and not playing puts me in a bad mood. I mean, I didn't have any plans on playing, but being there and not playing made me feel kind of icky...... I want to be able to be there and not be so upset... but I just turn internal and then it's just... I dunno.... makes me upset.....

Poly

Am I poly? I always seem to say no, but recently, I'm not so sure...I mean, I want to have a primary partner, but does that mean that I can't have a bit on the side? Can I really handle is is the real question. I tend to get attached to people once sex is involved. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing with multiple relationships. I could see having sex with others if I had a primary, kind of the spice of life... but without a primary, I'm unsure if it's really a good idea to start a casual thing with someone....But I want to! I don't know... It's.... well it's weird. I'm just worried about getting hurt... it seems to be what always happens to me.....

10/6/07

So yea...... I played tonight with DG. It was good.Things that were good....I really like ropeThe big heavy hits with the heavy flogger went welli like being tied up, but it's a mixed blessing 'cause when i struggle I can handle more pain....Things that were bad...I got into fight/flight syndrome and didn't say anything... I just tried to untie myself.... that's the bad place.... that's yellow/red... I need to vocalize it...I wasn't in the best mindset. I'd been talking with people like a little earlier in the night and was there a little too much. I really need to do things like-wear a collar-kneel-perform servicebefore I play to get me in the right mindset.I think I needed more warm up but didn't ask for it.I NEED TO SAY MORE!