The rest of it...

So I've sat with my blog post and I think I've started to see, at least a little bit, what may be going on.

I'm actually getting an entire set of needs met... and now the secondary needs are making themselves known.

I'm actually getting enough sex....

It's a shock.

I mean I could get more (hello sexual peak) but I don't feel like I'm needing more.

I think what I really want is the non-sexy fun time...

Going out to dinner... being in each other's presence and just "being".... snuggling and reading... Just hanging out.

C is pretty awesome but our schedules are so off sometimes that I get 2 hours with him at a time.... an hour and a half of that being fucking.

I'm not saying I wish I got less fucking, more that I wish I got more time in general.

It would be the nice thing about dating a vanilla boy.. I'd probably get a lot of that stuff even if the sex wasn't 100%....

Off to the salt mines of OKC again to see what I find with my insomnia...

Is there something in the air?

Or a weird phase of the moon?

After I started having all these deep thoughts about the future and relationships, I see some friends starting to firm up what they want and start to look for new partners...

Is it the end of summer/moving into fall?

Is the moon in a funny cycle?

I see it at work too (so it's not something that's only affecting us Kinky folk).

It makes me want to play match maker... both overtly and covertly.  I want people I know to be happy... to find a partner that compliments them and increases their happiness....

But I'd probably freak if my friends tried to set me up.

Another thing that I guess I should get over... if a friend wants to introduce me to someone, I should trust their judgement (if I trust their judgement) and not feel like a charity case.

I know that's not my thought process when I'm looking for other people.

It's also just a skill I have.  I like talking to people.  I hide my shyness in great conversational skills in which the other person feels like we've connected and I've managed to hide in plain sight.

Ok I'm gonna try and sleep again.... my foot (yay stress fracture) is a little more swollen than it has been.  I need to stay off of it more tomorrow :-(

Weddings and Babies

Blogging is going well.... but I think it's still time to find someone professional to talk to as well....

C cam over this afternoon.  He had to be at work at 5am today and 5 am tomorrow (stupid job) so we only had 3 hours.  We fucked like crazy cuddled in bed, and the fucked again.  I'm sore and worn out.

And pretty happy.  It was nice to see him.  But, I don't get the "OMG we should date" vibe from him.

In fact, I just don't feel like he's looking for a big R relationship at all.

And that's ok with me.... like I'm perfectly happy, I think.

It would be nice to have a guy to take to work functions and be able to have him spend the night on occasion and maybe go out on a date and not just fuck.

But I don't really feel like I need that...

Which is a shock.

I don't know if it's me not wanting what I don't have so I don't want it any more (last big R relationship was in college), or if I don't want a big R relationship and all of the wanting of it is just what society has put on me.

I want to get married... I think... Do I?

I thought I did.  I thought I wanted to get married and have 2-3 babies and stay at home till they were in school and then go back to work.

But I'm not really doing anything to move in that direction.

I'm having fun fucking who ever I want.

I'm not really dating guys who are looking to settle down (with me... most of them are already settled down with someone else).

While I want kids, it's not such a huge desire that I'm ready to drop everything and start IVF... or do I think I'd ever do it if I didn't find a partner who wanted to do the whole parenting thing too.

Does that mean I don't really want it?

How much of this stress is just due to logistics? I will hit menopause at some pre-defined date and then no longer have a choice of having kids or not.  If I could always make the decision, maybe I would feel the pressure the same way.

I'm tired now...  I could also feel weird since my body is dealing with weird shit (aka healing this stupid stress fracture).  Work is good but really busy....  Everything is everywhere and my brain isn't helping me figure out everything that's going on.

I'm gonna make HR help me find a new shrink to off load this shit on....

Mental Spoons

Many times I've heard people talk about The Spoon Theory.

It really helped me understand people who fight diseases that look to be fine.....

But tonight it hit me.... I'm one of those people.....

I know a lot of the time people don't think of mental health as a disease the same way, but it is.  I have a chronic deficiency of serotonin.  I've had it since before puberty.  It comes and it goes and it's pretty well controlled with medication and behavior, but I'll pretty much always have it.

I only get so many mental spoons a day.

I've been forgetting that.

I've been acting like I wasn't sick... that I had so many spoons that I could spend them on everything and anything.

But what I was doing was borrowing from the future.

A couple of weeks ago I went into nesting/hermit mode?  I didn't want to do anything and just wanted to be by myself at home....

I'd run out of mental spoons.

I was so on edge that I couldn't deal with anyone else's blow back emotions.  All of my shields were down and I was completely drained.

I spent too many spoons recently... and last night I felt it.  Those demons that I battle when I close my eyes knew I didn't have the spoons to fight them off..... so last night i was up till I really did pass out in bed (I remember seeing 3:23 am but then nothing till my alarm went off).

So why do I write this all out??

To remind myself that it's ok to be selfish with my spoons....  That I don't have an unlimited supply of them... and it's not bad to say no to things or situations to preserve my spoon supply.

Now to fix the deficit...

Rant... Rant... Rant......

If you keep reading... you've been warned....


THIS IS A RANT!!

I log onto Fetlife again, just going through things...

And I see it again...

You know why I'm single?

'Cause the cute guys my age get play with 19 and 20 year olds....

Why deal with someone who can tell you know when you can get a younger model who's skinner with firmer tits.

Did I say this was a rant?

'Cause it's a rant.

No, I don't logically believe this to really be the case.

No, I don't wish ill on people.

No, I don't really think that the guys my age who like dating 19 years old would be someone I would really want to be with.

But that first thought when you see it is "Oh no, not fucking again..."

Entertain me!

It happens more nights than not.

It's 10:30 or 11pm...

And I'm wide awake.

The internet can't entertain me.

There's not anything on (internet) TV.

I stare into nothingness, trying to figure out what's going on.

I could clean.... My apartment is in the state where you're setting up so everything that doesn't have a place is in a pile in the middle of the floor.

I could masturbate... nah that will just make me more awake.

I should hop in the shower... but it's *all the way* across my apartment (maybe 15 steps).

It's just this weird state of.... blah.

Nothing is wrong... but nothing is right.

Someone said a full moon is coming... maybe that's what's going on....

Maybe as 30 approaches, I'm just more aware of coming home to a studio apartment at the end of the day just isn't fulfilling for me.

Growing up, I would have never imagined this.  My parents got married at 25.... engaged senior year of college, married right after my dad graduated from law school.  In hindsight, I didn't really do anything to make that life happen, but I always assumed it would.  I didn't date in college, 'cause I showed up with a boy friend already.  We'd spend summer vacation pretending to be a  newlywed couple and go to open houses in new developments.  We were house shopping at 19 and 20... that was our fun date night activity.

When that ended, I was hurt, but I figured you just get up and move on...

But I guess I just never spent any energy to get back to that future I had imagined for myself.

I know a bunch of people with kids now.  I want kids.... I mean I think I want kids... I've always said I wanted kids.  I have dreams about kids...

But I don't feel like I want it badly enough.  "Oh if you want kids badly," the helpful person says, "you can have them by yourself with science."  Nope.. I don't want them badly enough for that route.  Not that there's anything wrong with that... It's just not something I want.

Which I think, at the heart of it, is the bigger problem...

There just isn't anything I *want* that badly.  Nothing worth moving out of a path where I get up, go to work, pay bill, and keep treading water... nothing to get me out of the rut, no passion to drive me on.

I'm just spinning my wheels....

I want...

Given my sense of self preservation seems to be failing me, I'll go ahead and write out some of the crazy shit in my brain that I'd like done....

• I'd like to be tied up with a large anal hook and tortured.
• I'd like a hitachi tied to my clit and left till I pass out (or red).
• I want to be fucked in the ass with a vibrator in my pussy (I've actually only ever used a hitachi (and externally)).
• I'd like to be fucked while suspended in the air.
• I want to take video/pictures while I'm getting fucked and/or hurt.
• I want an artistic cutting or brand... that bleeds pretty.
• I want to do a lot more painful breast bondage till my tits turn pretty colors.
• I want to get fucked over the hood of a still warm car out alongside a highway.
• I want to get fucked out in the woods.
• I want to get fucked out in the snow.
• I want to sleep curled up in Sir's arms...