Scene 2/2/08

So I had a scene with D last night. I was late arriving so I had to take 10 hits from several different objects on my pussy. I didn't like the paddles but the stingy thing as well as the cane were pretty good. It hurt, but not as much as I thought it would. It's almost liked I psyched myself out so the level of pain ended up being un-fulfilling.

I also got fucked with a strap on between strokes and wasn't allowed to cum. I wanted to, but I guess my mind is so strong that I stopped it.... but then I couldn't. I had permission to cum and I just couldn't do it. Then, as a present, D used the vibrator on me. I basically went directly from pre-orgasm to post-orgasm with no real orgasm. It was upsetting in the end.... I didn't really cum and I didn't really get a lot of pain. I ended up just feeling.... I don't know... like I was a let down.

So in the end, I'm kind of confused. I mean I'm pmsing so that could totally be part of it. I just feel like I'm adrift.... not connected to anything....

I hope this makes sense....

Need to get things on paper....

Or whatever...

I'm stressing... I need to stop... I'm stressing about life in general i think.

What's wrong now...

I don't know

Well first there's the school thing....

I don't know if I want to continue. I'm not liking it at all. I could always be working. I mean I don't.. but I could be. That and I make absolutely no money.

I could look into a job but the question is do I try to advance to candidacy this year or wait?

And then I want a man..... but i guess everyone does....

I don't like being alone..

And I know the more I need one the less likely a good one is to pop into my life.