What do I want??

What do I want....

What *do* I want.........

They say you can't go after what you want until you know what it is... so sometimes it's worth it to sit and really think about wants, needs, and desires.

I'm pretty sure that what I'm about to write about is not a need.  I'd like to have all of these things, but the world won't end if I don't get them.  I'm pretty self sufficient and I like that about me.

So.., we get to wants.....

A friend posted a link to a great article on FetLife, and it's got me thinking (it's quick, take a look.  I'm going to write as if you read it).

It really spoke to me... in certain ways.

At 31, I've never lived with a romantic partner.  I've never done more than a couple of days away with one.  I really like that I like living alone.

Does it mean that I don't want a partner, no, just that I don't want a partner that needs me to be attached to their hip 24/7.

But,it doesn't mean that I only want to be involved in secondary relationships.

I know people try and I don't mean this in a bad way....

But being second all the time fucking sucks.

It's not something I say, because I know what I'm getting into when I sign up for that kind of relationship...

But I'm getting less and less willing to walk into those types of dynamics.

Whether you're married or just married to your job/kids/xbox, I'm only going to be interested if you actually have the time and energy to put into me.  The desires I have, especially the kink ones, may not require constant attention, but they do require a depth of commitment and connection, and that's really all I want these days.

I think I could get some pick up play... but I don't know if I want it.

I want to hurt... but I want to hurt to please someone who wants to hurt me... and so I need to please them.

If I don't want to please you, I find that I have little to no pain tolerance right now, that I can't hit sub space from the pain I do get, and that I'm really just annoyed with everything you do.

So what is it that I want?

I was thinking a long distance, D/s relationship sounds perfect: regular texts/calls, quarterly in person visits, some every day rituals and then a higher level of ritual to go into when in person.

Does it have to look like that?  Nah, I'm open...

But I feel like that is about the level I need.  I don't need to see you every day.  I don't know if I'd want to see you more than once a week.

But I need (hmmm is it a need?) a regular connection... something to keep things going even if it's small...

It feels like I'm looking for a lot... but that's ok... I think I'd rather have nothing than something that's only a close approximation of what I want.