The Conundrum...

I can't promise that this will make any sense...

My brain has been going around in circles on this for a while. It was confusing enough that I had a bit of a depressed day while my brain processed it all. So, expect several posts on similar topics as it all comes out of my brain. 

In general and with my therapist, I've been looking at dating in general and I what I want I'm a partner. 

It's been really hard to come up with even the most basic characteristics that I want in a partner. I'm really afraid of being picky. My shrink assures me that I'm not being picky. Picky, she said, would be me saying a guy has to be between 5'10" and 5'11". I'm afraid wanting someone intelligent would be too picky of me even when I mean someone I could talk to, not someone with a degree from a particular university. 

Sometimes I feel for her... She has to deal with me and my brain...

So look out in the future for a blog post about qualities...

I think the more pressing conundrum in my brain is a little more complex...

I'm poly. Or so I think. 

I've only had one traditional, monogamous relationship. We dated senior year of high school through junior year of college. He was a year older, so we were long distance the entire time. 

Since then I've had various types of non-monogamous relationships: fwb, secondary, play partners, etc.  

The question I'm facing is why. I've got a couple of different things I'm looking at:

1) I'm poly. Yay. I work better with multiple relationships. The whole primary thing doesn't work for me. I'm better with my own alone time and seeing people when I want to.

2) I'm not poly. I don't think I deserve to be someone's one and only so I accept and make due with whatever comes my way. 

3) A bit of both (cause I like Star Lord a lot).

I know that it's most likely option 3: some sort of combination of the first two. So I guess the more important question is what is the ratio. 

Questions like what kind of poly set up do I want/need, what depth of partnership am I looking for, and where do I find people like that all swirl around in my head...

I don't think I've got answers right now.... But maybe I'm at least starting to figure out the questions...