Individuality...

So I've got homework from therapy... So you're all going to be subjected to bits of it :-)

We were talking about dating sites... As often happens. I was worried that people pick to date me only based on a) having a fat girl fetish or b) having a black girl fetish. 

I said I wished I was more average, less out of the norm.  If I was just average in anyway, it would have to be my personality (as expressed over the Internet) that attracted people. 

And so my shrink said, in true shrink fashion, "Well, why can't people have a preference for you? And why would you want to blend in, become something you're not?"

Ugh

That's hard to think about. 

I didn't even really thing about it... It just came out of my mouth. 

So I kind of looked at it from the other side... Do I have preferences????

Well I tend to date white, husky guys about 5'10" to 6'4" in height. It's not a hard, fast rule, but that seems to be who I'm attracted to. 

But those are things that no one judges. White dudes of average height who are not skinny....

Being black, female, and fat has a lot of baggage with it. How do you separate out people who have a type, and are attracted to the entire person, from people who are in someway just fetishizing the particular attribute?

And why is that my first thought? I can't really recall anything in my past where that happened to me.  

But then I end up with other fears.... Will I get even less attention if I lose weight??? Do I only get what I do get now based on being cute and chubby? In my head I know it's not really true, but it doesn't mean that someplace in my heart, it rings a bit too true. 

So why do I want to blend in? What's so hard about being an individual?? I don't know yet...

Good thing I have another week till therapy.