Self Growth

I seem to be looking at a lot of that these days.

I wish I could schedule it for not when I've spent $350 flying to DC for an event...

Last weekend I went to DOWF in DC.  The event it self is great.  I totally recommend it.

I, strangely enough, was miserable.

There's nothing anyone else could do about it and I didn't want to make it a big deal... but yea, it's not for me.

So what things did I learn??  It's still coming out but we'll see what the list looks like right now as I lay here in bed with a bit of the sniffles with my ears still plugged from the flight...

- I can't work reg
The first day wasn't bad, but people are stupid and I just can't deal with them anymore.  Much like I know I can't work security if I ever want to have fun as a bottom at a kink event, I'm putting registration on the same list.

- I need to make evening plans
During the day I can go to classes but at night, I need to have plans.  Without plans, I'm not gonna hang out in the dungeon and watch things... I'm going to watch TV in my hotel room and go to bed early.  Surrender was different 'cause I'd have at least one boot blacking shift during a party so I had stuff to do and was able to socialize there.

- I shouldn't go by myself.
My friends are all awesome, but they're so awesome they're busy.  Busy enough that I can hide a near melt down... that's not true.. I didn't melt down... I don't think... I dunno

- These meds are done
I want off.  I'd rather take anxiety and the 2-4 nights a month of no sleep due to anxiety than the crap I deal with now.  No alcohol and not caffeine makes me a pretty lame person.  I have no social lubricant and I can't deal with not a lot of sleep.  That's not the way I imagined 30.  I also have random generalized crowd and driving anxiety which is completely new with the medication.

I started another bullet point... and I have no idea what I was going to write.  It's 9pm and I'm about to go to bed.  I've got therapy at lunch time tomorrow.  That's gonna be a huge ball of fun......

Literary strength

I'm a firm believer that books have totally helped form my personality. My two favorite books are Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre.

I was watching one of the new Jane eyre movies on the plane and I realized I have 2 favorite books of the story. The first is when Mr. Rochester confesses his love ("it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land some broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.")  I realized my second is when she leaves him.

For dear readers not familiar with the story, on their wedding day it comes to light that Rochester is married and his wife, who is mad, has been locked in the attic the whole time Jane has been living at Thornfield Hall. Jane sees everything she wants torn from her.

 But Rochester offers it back. He wants to take her to Europe where no one will know she's not his wife. Who would know, he asks.

I would, she replies.

Removing the time period issues (why doesn't he just divorce the crazy wife), what strikes me is Jane's sense of self. She's not willing to be with the man she loves (who's also crazy rich) if it means living a lie and compromising her own self worth in her head.

Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice does the same thing. Mr. Darcy offers to marry her mid way through the book and she declins. He's full of pride and has really been a douche. But marrying him would leave her set for life. She sticks to her no (till he changes his ways and she can see him for who he really is underneath the outer shell).

And it all leaves me thinking... Could I do the same thing?  Could I say no to everything I wanted if it came with a poison pill? Could I say no to my own Mr Rochester if being with him required a personal or emotional sacrifice?

I kind of feel like I did it once. I changed courses. I could have kept in the status quo even though it wasn't right for me....  But that was more tony stark than Edward Rochester.

But I was younger and more idealistic.

Now???

Who knows what I'd do...

Saying no

Or why it's not, for me, a consent issue.

By consent issue I mean a fear of consent being violated.  That goes along with the "I'd say no, but I don't think he'd respect it."

I think that can be a lot of why people say no.

My inability to say no is much more rooted in self loathing.

"If I say no now, I might not get to say yes to anyone ever again."

It's quite a fatalistic thought...  Logic brain knows it's not true, but emotional brain keeps running the following script.....

"You're plain if not downright not attractive... and fat... don't for get fat....  If someone is interested grab the fuck on and ride that till they lose interest 'cause there might not be another one."

I know, I'm not very nice to me.

It's a problem I fall into fast with internet dating.. 'cause there's a sunk cost.  I messaged or they messaged, we chatted for however long it took to get coffee logistics worked out.  Given some of my social super powers, they feel comfortable and have poured out bits and pieces of their soul to me....

And I don't feel the spark...

You say thanks, but no thanks at that point, right?

Well I should.. but my emotions get involved.  It would be mean to say no.  Maybe I can force it and it will work.  I'm not trying hard enough to make it work.

I don't have problems saying no to people who I meet in person.  "Do you want to play" "No thanks I'm good."  But someone I've talked to online for a week?  Somehow I feel like I've got to try to see if the investment I already made will pan out...

Well... you see a problem.. what are you going to do about it.

A dear friend held my hand all day long and wouldn't let me hide from my own patterns.  It's a good thing our brains won't sync in their crazy cycles so one of us can be the rock for the other.

I'm gonna stop the online dating.. for not.. for forever?  Who knows.  I didn't take the profiles down... 'cause that's too hard quite yet.  But I put a message on them saying to message if interested and we could set up a munch meeting.  I wanna meet them in person (safely) faster so that I don't feel the investment.

I start seeing my new therapist on Thursday.  I'm really nervous, but I'm hoping to go over more of the bad mental thought processes about self dislike.  The last time I was in therapy, I was so bad off (thank you grad school) we were focused on survival.  Now, I kind of want to be happy, whatever that looks like,

So until the next break down, dear readers, Good night... and Good morning.

Attached Men: My Super Power!

It really is my super power.

I find attached men everywhere.

They fall into my lap left and right.

I should start saying no right?

I mean, I want to find my own guy to get attached too...

But I look and don't find.

So do I say no to fun now.... and leave myself open for mr. right-ish to come along?

Or do i keep busy the way I am with enough parts to add up to... a half?  maybe 2/3rds?

Why do these thoughts happen when I should be sleep?

Scheduling my masochist

I'm a masochist.

I think that's pretty apparent.

I've done some really fucked up shit and loved it....

My I have this huge fear....

That maybe, on that day that I've scheduled that date....

The masochist won't show up.

The crazy girl who gets beat with a T-ball bat will be replaced by the girl who wants to be held and cuddled and starts sobbing over a bare hand spanking.

With the busy lives we live... sometimes I'm booking play dates months out.

And I'm scared the wrong me will show up for the wrong sadist.

That I won't be what they need for a successful play date..

That I should just suck it up and do it...

I know it's all me... but sometimes it's hard having my mood and abilities swing so far from one side to another....

Cobbling together a partner

How many parts make up a whole???

I was privately journsling about the number of men in my life these days. The number is on the rise. 

I feel busier. 

If I wanted, I could be busy most nights.

But it doesn't feel as fulfilling as I'd imagined. There are still holes. 

I think I've cast the same role too many times. I'm pretty good at the legitimate fuck buddy.   When I say legitimate, I mean they're actually a buddy that I fuck: we've got some interests in common and would actually be friends even if the sex wasn't happening. 

I'm not so good at filling the "great passionate partner" role.  You know, that person who instantaneously makes you wet and grabs you and pulls you into their arms. 

Or maybe that doesn't exist. Maybe I read too many romance novels. 

But I see my friends and read about others.... And there does seem to be something I'm missing... Some passion or sparks that I don't yet have fulfilled. 

But I don't know exactly what that is yet...

Burning Desires

I lived a blessed childhood.  I never wanted for anything.  I mean, I had the normal childhood wants for toys and candy, but there was never anything that I needed that I ever wanted for.

I look around as 30 starts to approach, and I feel a little bit like I'm trying to grab sand in an hour glass as it slips by.

I look at my brother.  Once he decided he wanted to be an actor, he moved heaven and earth to make that happen.  He has an idea of what he wants to do when he graduates, in 10 years, and in 20 years.

I have some friends who always knew they wanted to be parents.  They were willing to do it on their own but they knew they wanted to have children.

I don't have a burning desire for really anything.  I have no idea what I want to do with a career... I mean I want to make enough money to not have to worry about it.. but that's not really a career.

Another friend spoke about how work was a pay check and her passion was her friends and the people in her life.

I like you all... I really do.

But I suffer no delusions that 95% of you could and would leave if you wanted/needed to.  It's not a bad thing... I just don't put much stake in anyone having to be there for me.

That's the one point that nearly made me sob when I first met my new psychiatrist.  I was talking about work and how I've found a niche as a care taker, a role I fit into pretty well.  She then asked who takes care of me.... and my eyes welled up, I grabbed a tissue, dabbed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said "well that's something I should be working on."

I feel like the wants I have in life aren't true wants, but wants driven from fear.  I want a relationship so I'm not alone.  I want a good job so I'm not poor and can't find a place to live.

It's not like I want to be an actor... because I want that... because that's what I want to do with my life.

I do ok with smaller, physical wants.

I want sex and beatings and cuddles and orgasms 'cause I like how they feel.

But I don't think I do well with figuring out the more complicated, deeper level ones....