Saying no

Or why it's not, for me, a consent issue.

By consent issue I mean a fear of consent being violated.  That goes along with the "I'd say no, but I don't think he'd respect it."

I think that can be a lot of why people say no.

My inability to say no is much more rooted in self loathing.

"If I say no now, I might not get to say yes to anyone ever again."

It's quite a fatalistic thought...  Logic brain knows it's not true, but emotional brain keeps running the following script.....

"You're plain if not downright not attractive... and fat... don't for get fat....  If someone is interested grab the fuck on and ride that till they lose interest 'cause there might not be another one."

I know, I'm not very nice to me.

It's a problem I fall into fast with internet dating.. 'cause there's a sunk cost.  I messaged or they messaged, we chatted for however long it took to get coffee logistics worked out.  Given some of my social super powers, they feel comfortable and have poured out bits and pieces of their soul to me....

And I don't feel the spark...

You say thanks, but no thanks at that point, right?

Well I should.. but my emotions get involved.  It would be mean to say no.  Maybe I can force it and it will work.  I'm not trying hard enough to make it work.

I don't have problems saying no to people who I meet in person.  "Do you want to play" "No thanks I'm good."  But someone I've talked to online for a week?  Somehow I feel like I've got to try to see if the investment I already made will pan out...

Well... you see a problem.. what are you going to do about it.

A dear friend held my hand all day long and wouldn't let me hide from my own patterns.  It's a good thing our brains won't sync in their crazy cycles so one of us can be the rock for the other.

I'm gonna stop the online dating.. for not.. for forever?  Who knows.  I didn't take the profiles down... 'cause that's too hard quite yet.  But I put a message on them saying to message if interested and we could set up a munch meeting.  I wanna meet them in person (safely) faster so that I don't feel the investment.

I start seeing my new therapist on Thursday.  I'm really nervous, but I'm hoping to go over more of the bad mental thought processes about self dislike.  The last time I was in therapy, I was so bad off (thank you grad school) we were focused on survival.  Now, I kind of want to be happy, whatever that looks like,

So until the next break down, dear readers, Good night... and Good morning.