Burning Desires

I lived a blessed childhood.  I never wanted for anything.  I mean, I had the normal childhood wants for toys and candy, but there was never anything that I needed that I ever wanted for.

I look around as 30 starts to approach, and I feel a little bit like I'm trying to grab sand in an hour glass as it slips by.

I look at my brother.  Once he decided he wanted to be an actor, he moved heaven and earth to make that happen.  He has an idea of what he wants to do when he graduates, in 10 years, and in 20 years.

I have some friends who always knew they wanted to be parents.  They were willing to do it on their own but they knew they wanted to have children.

I don't have a burning desire for really anything.  I have no idea what I want to do with a career... I mean I want to make enough money to not have to worry about it.. but that's not really a career.

Another friend spoke about how work was a pay check and her passion was her friends and the people in her life.

I like you all... I really do.

But I suffer no delusions that 95% of you could and would leave if you wanted/needed to.  It's not a bad thing... I just don't put much stake in anyone having to be there for me.

That's the one point that nearly made me sob when I first met my new psychiatrist.  I was talking about work and how I've found a niche as a care taker, a role I fit into pretty well.  She then asked who takes care of me.... and my eyes welled up, I grabbed a tissue, dabbed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said "well that's something I should be working on."

I feel like the wants I have in life aren't true wants, but wants driven from fear.  I want a relationship so I'm not alone.  I want a good job so I'm not poor and can't find a place to live.

It's not like I want to be an actor... because I want that... because that's what I want to do with my life.

I do ok with smaller, physical wants.

I want sex and beatings and cuddles and orgasms 'cause I like how they feel.

But I don't think I do well with figuring out the more complicated, deeper level ones....