I’m out of practice…

… of taking a beating.

F beat the crap out of me (literally… so much chest beating that it broke up some congestion in my chest).

It’s all a bit of a blur right now 24 hours later.  I was restrained under a wooden beam.  There were weighted gloves, canes of all sizes, huge thuddy floggers, riding crops, and, of course, pressure points.

That’s kind of the main thing that F and I do.  Our very first play date was wax.  It was nice.  We were cuddling afterwards and he started to play with the pressure points in my butt… and I got really high.  It was the first time I got marks to change colors (I’ve still got photos around here someplace).

To start with, the pressure point play is nice.  In fact, I’m the crazy person leaning in to make the pressure more.  The ones on my chest were really what I liked.

And then it went up a level.  And man did it hurt.  F has this cane with a silver bear on the end of it.  I think I might end up with a bear shaped bruise on my chest from him pushing the end of the cane into the pressure point.

I ended up calling things earlier than normal.  I was cycling hot/cold all night and then I was hot and nauseous, probably a good time to stop.

I went through a bit of “why couldn’t I keep going” but I shook that off pretty quickly.  It’s nice to have fought battles before and not have to linger there very long anymore.

I’ll be posting pictures as the bruising happens.  The ones on my chest really hurt (and are right where a messenger bag sits).  My ass and back are a bit sore, but no colors yet.  The one “bear” mark on my chest is already red and will probably turn colors.  That’s exactly what I need, something to draw the attention of all of the other sadists in my life….

New Meds

So the new psychiatrist didn't tell me....

But my chart now says bipolar.

Awesome.

So I'm now on 3 different mood drugs: an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, and a mood stabilizer.

I'm still working up to my full doses on the 2 newer ones.

So yea... if you see me acting weird, please call me on it... who knows what all of these new chemicals in my brain might do.

Girls... Girls... Girls....

I've written before about not being queer....

But now I'm kind of wishing I was.. a little bit.

Girls are objectively hot.

Boobies are awesome.

Girls are soft and fun to touch.

Kissing girls is fun too... they taste yummy.

But... ummmmmmm.....

They just don't really do it for me without a guy around....

But maybe that's not too bad....

Maybe I should play around with girls, to see if I like it.

Does it not count as real exploration if there's a guy around?

Ahhh the things my sick (like actually sick... stupid sinus infection) brain decides to focus on...

Community....

Ok... this is going to be a rant... and as such feel free to stop reading now.

There's been a lot of things going on online about what "we as a community" should do about something (the current threads are all about consent violations).

I have no desire to get embroiled in flame wars so I sit and watch it go by.... but I'm left with one lingering thought...

What community?

It's not 1980 anymore (not that I was even alive in 1980).  All it takes is access to the internet and you can be at your local dungeon/playspace/etc.

In general, I think this is a good thing.  More people have access to things and it's not as scary to find.

But what you sacrifice is community.

I have no reason to think that anyone I see at a play space will be any nicer to me or respect my boundaries any more that the average joe at a bar.  They've had the same amount of vetting as a bar patron.

Eventually, I'll see them a bunch of times, get to know them, and treat them differently...

But that's work I have to do.

I keep seeing all of these things about what we as a community should do to keep people safe.  I think that I'm safe because I'm nearly hyper vigilant about it.  Something could totally happen to me anyway, but something could happen to be at a bar too.

I recently had a conversation with my boss at work.  Our company is getting big (over 100 people) but we still say that we're small and say we act that way, but we've already started acting like a medium size company.  We should stop saying we're small and embrace our new status.

I feel that way about the kink "community."  We act like we're small, that people are somehow vetted, that we should be safer at the dungeon than we should be at the bar...

But should we?  What do we have in place to make that happen?  Is the address secret?  Do we have orientations that are mandatory?  Do you have to know someone or go to the newbie munch to get in the first time?   Do we hold regulars to the same code of conduct as new people?

This is not to say that I don't have a community in the kink scene... but it's my community, my subset of what you might see as the greater kink community.  Friends, lovers, friends of friends, lovers of lovers, all sorts of combination.

That's my community.

That's where I feel safe and I can take down nearly all of the barriers and guards I walk around with daily.

But I have no expectation of going to a public space and being able to truly let go.... unless I've got someone who's going to hold space for me while I'm a bit out of it.

I'm probably a bit cynical about things... maybe it's my east coast bias...

But I think claiming community is kind of a bit of BS these days.....

Best Blow Job Ever

Well... It was....

It had been a while but Age Appropriate boy and I made plans and he came over last night.

As is his nature, he was naked as soon as he got in the door.  This time, he sent me to the bathroom to get a warm wash cloth.  Confused I went and got it and handed it to him.

"Get naked," he said.

Ok...

I crawl into bed with him....

And he then washes my entire body with the wash cloth....

He's curled up around me and just rubbing and teasing me with the wash cloth.

That's new...

And hot...

We made out and cuddled and were getting hot and heavy when I started to go down on him.  He's on his back and he had me rotate so my bottom is towards his head.

As I start to suck his cock, he starts to finger me.

This went on for over 30 minutes.  I don't know how many orgasms I had.  He likes wet sloppy blow jobs and lots of sounds and that's what I was in the mood to give him.

And it just fit... it worked... I don't know... did our energies just melt together correctly or something?

But it was amazing.  And hot.

I'm happy we talked back when we did and really got what "us" was...

It doesn't mean that I don't sometimes wish he wanted more.. 'cause it could be awesome.

But I'm glad I get to have what I get with him :-)

Man was last night hot....

Con Drop?

It's actually a question... cause I think I'm doing ok ;-)

A couple of things have come up to me...

There have been a couple of conversations re: consent and a play partner of mine brought up something I did as a good example....  He offered to perform some activity, I thought about it and said "i'm not up for x, but y would be ok."  He agreed to y and we moved along.

And life moved on.

It wasn't till he brought it up in conversation about consent that I really realized what I did.... I said no, and was ok with it.

This is kind of a big deal to me... and is along the lines of a lot of the grown I did this weekend.

I did what I wanted.. and really what I wanted.  It wasn't what I *thought* my top wanted... it wasn't what I thought people expected of me.... It was really what I wanted.

I had a lovely scene that others might have looked at and said was "easy," but I got really deep emotionally.. and stayed floaty for a long time...

And it was ok...

I didn't feel rushed out of that head space by my own issues/worries about being needy... I just was.

I wore a bunch of outfits that stretched what I felt comfortable with.. and didn't wear heels all weekend.

I felt hot and sexy in outfits even before I saw friends and acquaintances lose their train of thought once my robe came off.

So yea... a lot of things happened at DO... most of it was inside of my brain.. and I think I'm still seeing the "fall out" from it all...

Re-Cap DO

I'm not ready to really blog about DO... but I wanted to look at my goal list....


- Play with person A I wanted to play with last year - Totally Done

- Play with person B I wanted to play with last year - He got sick

- Make out with one person whom I don't already know. - Didn't do... but thinking this may happen at WinterFire

- Hand out 10 contact/business cards - Handed out 2 or 3... got 5/6 new twitter followers.  Fetlife friends still coming in

- Go to at least one class - OMG Rape Play class was yummy!

- Get 30 minutes of none sexual cuddling - OMG Totally Done

- Eat at least 2 meals a day - Yup, I was good

- Step outside at least once a day - Did this every day

- Only attempt at max one full face makeup per day (more than that will be too stressful) - Didn't do it at all!!!  Yay no foundation 

- Wear 1 outfit that pushes my comfort level but makes me look hot to others - Did this 3 times!!!

- Get pictures of said outfit and other cute outfits - Didn't get enough pictures... but I think there are some ones of me naked now ;-)

- Smile at myself in the mirror whenever possible - Didn't have time to look in the mirror

- Have fun - So much fun....