Fighting the Scale...

The Good News: The following blog post was written having had 24 hours of no SSRIs in my system... so the crazy depressive thinking will be a bit more under control after the meds continue to propagate through my system.

The Bad News:

Well... It's not bad... I'm just gonna rant/vent a bit to get the brain hamsters to calm down so that I can go to bed... and stop bothering Miss Bella (the lab-pit bull I'm dog sitting) who is looking at my like "OMG Shelly, it's Bella night night time... go the fuck to sleep!"

And now that it's time to write... I'm staring at the laptop and there aren't any words coming out.

January 15th is when I need to re-do my blood work... and I'm sure it's gonna be bad still.

I've got a lot of weight to lose... but it's hard.

I wish there was something easy to do...

I did weight watchers and was moderately successful....

And crazy....  Tracking food made me neurotic.  My depression was out of control with I was losing and then I'd get upset when I wasn't losing... even though my neurotic tendencies were less.

My doctor had me go to an info session on a medically supervised weight loss program.  It's about 800 calories a day (hence medically supervised) and you basically eat their packaged food while you lose weight.

I'd really do it...  I'm at the point where the weight needs to come off and I'll be that weird chick on shakes for all meals to do it.

Except I can't.

My whole life, artificial sugars have made me sick.  It's not an allergy.  I don't swell, get a rash, etc.  It's a sensitivity or an intolerance.  That means I end up with painful stomach cramps and diarrhea for 1-4 hours after ingesting any of the fake sugars (even splenda).

And, of course, all of the shakes have fake sugar in them.  The were able to find that the soups don't have fake sugar in them, so I could have chicken broth soup for 3 meals a day....

If i could have the shakes, I'd probably have done it.. but chicken soup for breakfast just was too much.

But maybe I can get over the sensitivity.

I'm contemplating seeing if I have enough of it that eventually I won't get sick from it.

If I can't get any wait off, I'm going to have to go on a pre-diabetic medicine, Metformin.  Unfortunately, the side effect for that med is...... painful stomach cramps and diarrhea for 1-4 hours....

I was on the med once already.  I actually don't mind taking meds.  I'll be on the synthetic thyroid hormones and the anti-depressants for basically the rest of my life.  I've already got to take a morning med and a night med, so adding any additional ones to the mix doesn't bother me...

Unless there are side effects.

My stomach is where I store all of my stress.  As a small child, a teacher yelling at a class would be enough for me to develop such bad stomach cramps that nothing would make it better except curling up in the fetal position for an hour.

A bit too much dairy, a bit too much meat,  a bit too much of anything and my stomach hurts.  I had a diagnosis of IBS in college.  It went away once I could get in to a psychiatrist and they put me on an anti-depressant.

With all of that, I have very little tolerance for stomach issues from meds.  In addition... with my new found (well maybe not that new) love of anal sex, I don't think I want to always have stomach issues...

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Ok... same topic-ish but I couldn't think of a clever transition (I'm just trying to clear my brain so I can sleep).

I've got a Plenty of Fish profile...I don't really use it.  It's more of an amusement device.  There are two different ways to message people.  You can... message people.  Or you can go through and put people on a list of "people you'd like to meet."

So tonight I had a guy put me on that list so I got an alert and I went to look at his profile.

He's totally hot.... and into crossfit.

I know a bunch of people who really like it and I'm not really thinking bad things about crossfit....

But why would someone who has 5 interests and one of them is crossfit be interested in me?

Ok granted.. it's not a true interest (write me a message dude), but I immediately think the worse...

Maybe I wasn't up front enough about my... physical nature... in my profile and once he sees me he's gonna feel fooled.

Maybe he thinks/knows fat girls are easier to fuck 'cause they don't get any and they'll be grateful for any attention.  I'm so not looking to be an easy lay...

Now he could think something completely different, but I immediately fear that this is what's going on....

Ok... i feel my brain trying to turn off.... It's time for me to close the laptop, this blog post, and my brain on this issue till I can process things better.

Goodnight and Good morning!