Connection

(I wrote this on the airplane but my iPad lost the draft... I think I know what I wrote...).

For my trip back to SF, I rented Pacific Rim from iTunes to watch.  I enjoyed it.  It's giant robots vs aliens, right up my alley.

I can see why there are some feminist critiques of the film, but the one thing I was left with was the idea of connection...

Wouldn't it be damn awesome to drift into someone's brain?

And then I realized that's what submission is for me...

Not bottoming, not an exchange of sensation, but submitting.

When submitting, all of the barriers are down.  I'm vulnerable, open, and truly my authentic self.

The barriers are actually still there, but I'm no longer in charge of them.  I've invited someone else inside the walls that keep the world out, and now they're maintaing the barriers, keeping me safe and being with me... as I am... with all the doubts, fears, and insecurities that aren't apparent on the outside.

It's really invigorating when you let someone in.  That connection is addicting.

I talk a lot about wanting a primary... but I think it's that connection that I'm seeking.  I have partners that I get that with now, but it's not an often occurrence.

There are other partners where it's just sex or bottoming.  I realized why they're tiring...

'Cause it's a middle ground....

The walls aren't fully up but they aren't fully down.  That's a weird place and it takes more energy in the end to manage that.

Eventually I should probably take some of the walls down... but damn are they useful....