It hasn't taken a full week to process +Mollena Williams's classes from this weekend... but I think some stuff is coming up.
In the playing with strangers class, Mo talked about knowing your needs, wants, and desires.
After some really deep thought, I really think that I get my wants and desires met pretty easily.... but then there are the needs.
It's not that I'm walking around unfulfilled... it's just hat I construct my needs in a way that I'm self sufficient... which makes it hard to "need" anyone else... 'cause damn that makes you vulnerable.
And then I really started looking at my wants....
I realized that I get a lot of wants fulfilled. If it's about getting beat and/or fucked, it's fulfilled.
But as I age (yea dear reader you can groan about me being nearly 30 and talking about aging) I find that what I'm really looking for now is the other stuff... I'd like to have a partner to chat with about nonsense, someone to sit at a sports bar and watch a game and goof off. It's the none sexual relationship stuff that I feel is missing.
Which kind of lead me to the title of the post. It dawned on me that when it comes to deep, emotional connection, I think I'm monogamous. Many people clarify their poly. Lots say they're play poly, i.e. you can play with other people. A lot of the time, the line for that is drawn between beatings and sensation and sex.
I think I see myself on the other side of that line. I like sex. It's awesome. I like sex with my beatings.
But I don't need to be deeply emotionally involved with the givers of the beatings and the sex.
And I shouldn't. I mean I am and want to be close dear friends... but there's always a bit I should keep back.
(I've already written the not being clingy posts, right?)
I was thinking about when P and I were together. I wasn't primary and I was supposed to be dating other people.
But I couldn't. I loved him and I was his girl and he got all of my emotional energy. I was ready to make my needs fit into what he could give 'cause I couldn't look for anyone else. I could meet up with new people for the fucking and the beating... but then I wanted to "go home" to him and tell him about it.
I'm just really getting what that is. I think I'm emotionally monogamous. I really like the fucking and the beating with friends.... really close friends.... chosen family.
But I want one person to be my better half... to come home to and share my day and watch stupid TV and cuddle (and maybe father my children... still thinking about that).
I'm sure more on this topic will be coming soon....
*nod* I don't look at other people emotionally in that way unless I'm given a lot of permission. I don't assume that people want to just "hang out" with me. There has to be a reason we are together that is time limited and then I leave. But I've almost always had a live-in partner.
ReplyDeleteWhen I lived alone I just didn't go home much. I found people to fill one night at a time. But it was lonely. No one "really" knew me. I was just there to fill their needs-of-the-moment but we didn't know much about one another. It was fun but lonely.
Having a partner is huge. I get why you want it.
Sexual monogamy is kind of weird for me. Right now it is about not spreading my already-too-little-for-my-life energy around. I don't know what it will be about in the future.
AHHH! This life business is complicated.