Entertain me!

It happens more nights than not.

It's 10:30 or 11pm...

And I'm wide awake.

The internet can't entertain me.

There's not anything on (internet) TV.

I stare into nothingness, trying to figure out what's going on.

I could clean.... My apartment is in the state where you're setting up so everything that doesn't have a place is in a pile in the middle of the floor.

I could masturbate... nah that will just make me more awake.

I should hop in the shower... but it's *all the way* across my apartment (maybe 15 steps).

It's just this weird state of.... blah.

Nothing is wrong... but nothing is right.

Someone said a full moon is coming... maybe that's what's going on....

Maybe as 30 approaches, I'm just more aware of coming home to a studio apartment at the end of the day just isn't fulfilling for me.

Growing up, I would have never imagined this.  My parents got married at 25.... engaged senior year of college, married right after my dad graduated from law school.  In hindsight, I didn't really do anything to make that life happen, but I always assumed it would.  I didn't date in college, 'cause I showed up with a boy friend already.  We'd spend summer vacation pretending to be a  newlywed couple and go to open houses in new developments.  We were house shopping at 19 and 20... that was our fun date night activity.

When that ended, I was hurt, but I figured you just get up and move on...

But I guess I just never spent any energy to get back to that future I had imagined for myself.

I know a bunch of people with kids now.  I want kids.... I mean I think I want kids... I've always said I wanted kids.  I have dreams about kids...

But I don't feel like I want it badly enough.  "Oh if you want kids badly," the helpful person says, "you can have them by yourself with science."  Nope.. I don't want them badly enough for that route.  Not that there's anything wrong with that... It's just not something I want.

Which I think, at the heart of it, is the bigger problem...

There just isn't anything I *want* that badly.  Nothing worth moving out of a path where I get up, go to work, pay bill, and keep treading water... nothing to get me out of the rut, no passion to drive me on.

I'm just spinning my wheels....