Weddings and Babies

Blogging is going well.... but I think it's still time to find someone professional to talk to as well....

C cam over this afternoon.  He had to be at work at 5am today and 5 am tomorrow (stupid job) so we only had 3 hours.  We fucked like crazy cuddled in bed, and the fucked again.  I'm sore and worn out.

And pretty happy.  It was nice to see him.  But, I don't get the "OMG we should date" vibe from him.

In fact, I just don't feel like he's looking for a big R relationship at all.

And that's ok with me.... like I'm perfectly happy, I think.

It would be nice to have a guy to take to work functions and be able to have him spend the night on occasion and maybe go out on a date and not just fuck.

But I don't really feel like I need that...

Which is a shock.

I don't know if it's me not wanting what I don't have so I don't want it any more (last big R relationship was in college), or if I don't want a big R relationship and all of the wanting of it is just what society has put on me.

I want to get married... I think... Do I?

I thought I did.  I thought I wanted to get married and have 2-3 babies and stay at home till they were in school and then go back to work.

But I'm not really doing anything to move in that direction.

I'm having fun fucking who ever I want.

I'm not really dating guys who are looking to settle down (with me... most of them are already settled down with someone else).

While I want kids, it's not such a huge desire that I'm ready to drop everything and start IVF... or do I think I'd ever do it if I didn't find a partner who wanted to do the whole parenting thing too.

Does that mean I don't really want it?

How much of this stress is just due to logistics? I will hit menopause at some pre-defined date and then no longer have a choice of having kids or not.  If I could always make the decision, maybe I would feel the pressure the same way.

I'm tired now...  I could also feel weird since my body is dealing with weird shit (aka healing this stupid stress fracture).  Work is good but really busy....  Everything is everywhere and my brain isn't helping me figure out everything that's going on.

I'm gonna make HR help me find a new shrink to off load this shit on....