Learning from Erotica...

I've been reading erotica for many more years than I should....

I've decide to share some of my favorite stories, not just to get you hot, but to use them as a medium to analyze myself and my kink.

Wanting It All

*Brief synopsis*

They've been happily married for years, but have each lived with a secret.  When her affair with her ex Dom comes out, he, an ex dom who gave up kink thinking she wasn't in to it, leaves her with his friend, the head of a punishment dungeon, to try to use kink to coerce her into divorce.


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As will be a theme in these stories, I'm not the main character.  I don't identify with her.  She's a heavy masochists.  She gets to a happy place and the orgasms flow like milk and honey.

I'm her best friend.  She's not really into kink.  Well, she wanted to be into kink and then the main character hooked up with a Dom that abused her.  So now, bestie dates submissive vanilla men 'cause she knows she's in control and they won't hurt her.  And she won't get what she really wants, but at least it's safer.

And of course, she meets L, the head of the dungeon, who is trying to get the main character back with her husband after he realizes that they both kept things from each other.  He feels like he's getting older, and is tired of the parade of women in his life.  He wants one to be a partner and when he meets bestie, he loves her fire, the submission that is trying to get out, and her intelligence.

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I don't know what would make me happy.  I have ideas, but I've not been there to know for sure that's what makes me happy.

I don't date vanilla boys anymore.  Well... anymore is a hard statement.  I've had exactly one vanilla boyfriend... we dated for over 3 years and I did whatever he asked... never had an opinion and was just happy that a boy liked me at all.

He's also the only boy that ever got to the point to take home to Mom and Dad.

After that is was only kinky guys.... but it was also never "appropriate" kinky guys.

Well let me define appropriate.....

I feel like I'm better than I used to be, but I never really thought I deserved what I wanted.  That very first boyfriend was senior year of high school... that was my first kiss.  I was a guy's girl... lots of guy friends but it would be "weird" to go out with me.

So after that relationship ended,  I never said no to a guy... a guy asked me out... I didn't really think he was cute or anything, but I'd go out with him, even fuck him if that's what he wanted, cause he was interested in me and I needed to grab hold of that.  Another time I'll have to tell the story of being a senior at Duke University and letting the 35 year old hick who lived out in the boonies fuck my ass... 'cause he was at least interested in me.

I've grown and got better and developed a bit more self esteem.... but I still didn't look for what I thought I wanted.  I want the white picket fence with the full dungeon in the basement/garage.  The white picket part is actually the harder to find.  I can get the dungeon...  I've become a parody of myself at times by being that awesome secondary partner.  Oh I really enjoy the time I get with people, but it's a protection mode.  You can never hurt me 'cause I'm not supposed to mean that much to you anyway.  We'll have our date ever so often, chat as friends, and I can stay in that place forever and ever.  Do I get all of my needs met?  No.  Do I get enough met to keep the edge off the craving.  Pretty much.

(ever start writing and have no idea what was going to come out... I didn't know this blog was going to end up here.....)

So as I ramble around with the thoughts in my head, I led back to my new guy.  He's age appropriate and technically single (though there's a live-in ex that he still messes around with along with a couple of other casual relationships).  I was complaining to someone that he felt a little clingy.  They pointed out that he had time for me...

Have I gotten so jaded that someone who pays attention to me and wants to see me feels clingy?  The bastad from the last relationship (you know, the cheating poly guy) was technically single (or so I thought) but he also never talked to me.  New guy doesn't let a day go by without something, even if it's a text that says "I hope you're having a great day."

Is that what guys do?  Could they really miss me and want to spend time with me?  Ok, that sounds a little harsher than I mean.  I know the play partners I have miss me and want to spend time with me, but there are other factors (partners) that put a known limit on the amount of interaction.  I don't know what to do with someone who has the desire *AND* the time to see me a lot.  He's coming over Wednesday.  Yes, we'll end up fucking (OMG dating a guy my age is a new experience.  We had a date and he was able to get it up 4 times. I walked funny for a whole day), but we also have plans to cuddle, and maybe play a game.

I don't think it'll be a big R relationship... but I don't know if I think that way to protect myself from liking him or to protect myself from liking him given his ex (who doesn't want to feel replaced... no, I'm not exactly sure what that means either) or protect myself from liking him 'cause he likes me and just settling 'cause he paid attention to me.

So that, dear reader, is where I sit.  I'm not going to go back and edit this.... so yes, it'll read a bit stream of consciousness like, but I think it needed to get out.......

~S