Sunday, June 30, 2013

Hostage Party 7

I'm excited. I've got my application package in email and I'm ready to fill it out. 

And then I get re-blindsided by HSV 2 crazy thoughts. "You're going to go and be a leper," the voice says in my head. 

I know it's not true. I know people who are going and we've talked about it, and I will get play. 

I'm also not hiding it. Oh no, I have to disclose my status on a form. I already kind of told the entire Internet several times so that's not that big of a deal. 

It's just something I like that I thought was taken from me and another thing I've just got to take back for myself. 

Between now and then will be my annual exam. My doctor is amazing. I'll most likely get a re test (just to see what numbers look like) as well as the full screen and my other bloodwork. If the numbers have gone up, I'll probably ask for the meds. They'd really only be for reducing transmission since I have no symptoms, but maybe going on them will make me feel better when I do things like the hostage parties. I'm a member on a pretty informative HSV forum. I think I'm going to post there with all of my info and see what people with similar numbers have done. The research from the drug companies say the drug will cut transmission on it own to 2% (just like condom use) and the two together to 1%. 

But still, I kind of want to wait it out and see where my infection is so that I know for the future. 

Ahhhh the things in my head on airplanes....

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I'm a dirty whore

Ok maybe I'm a bad whore... I don't take money for it ;-)

So what do you when you can't sleep?

Me?  I read erotica.

Last night I came across this gem.  It made me so hot to read.... the power exchange, the helplessness, the intricacy of the predicaments.

Oh wait... should I put a trigger warning before/after that link?  In general, if it's erotica, and I found it hot enough to share, it should probably have a trigger warning.

I spent the day half doing work, half prepping for vacation, and a sprinkling of flirting with hot, evil sadists.

And then all of a sudden it hit me.

I'm a fucking dirty whore.... and I love it....

I looked around my office, made eye contact with a couple of co workers.

"How the fuck can they not know," a voice said in my head.

I mean I know I can not be a whore... that I can be a prim proper young (ish) lady....

But that's more of a role than the whore.... the whore is what drives me, what makes me happy, what make me excited for the next day....

How do I integrate that into the other side of me?  How do I get that love of life, that ability to go for what I want, into the part of me analyzes every word and makes sure the whore isn't slipping out unknowingly...

I want to curl up with my porn again and revel in the whore some more ;-)

Monday, June 17, 2013

No More Thinking....

Isn't it great when your brain shuts off???

Some rope marks are still visible

I forget that's why I do it... why I do the pain... why I do the sex.... why I even go to the gym....

It's 'cause my brain shuts the fuck up.

I'm not thinking about tomorrow or yesterday.

I'm right there, in the moment....

Suffering pain has the blood rushes to the surface of the skin after a stingy hit or orgasming out of control, not able to stop....


I'm always right there... and I know where I am....

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I'm tired....

... but I'm not.

It's too early to sleep, too late for energy to tackle something big.

I'm all socialed out for the day.  It was fun, but I like being home, in my own space...

... but something is missing.

I can't put my finger on it.  It just feels like something is out of place, something is missing....

I'm going to go fold laundry... something mindless.... and make myself a cup of tea.

Maybe tomorrow, what's spiraling in my brain will want to come out.....

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Summer of the Slut

I don't know what's going to happen next year. 

I'll be closer to my supposed sexual peak. 

If it gets worse than this, I won't be able I work and will need to be fucked 24/7

But for now, I will call it the summer of the slut. After this winter/spring of STIs and self pity, I picked myself up and started asking for what I wanted. 

OMG people said yes. I still feel a bit shocked by the yes and am afraid of the no, but I've simply stopped letting it stop me. 

And damn it feels good. 

Lol gotta plan for my physic far in advance. No sex for a couple of days so I can get an accurate Pap smear. Who'd have thought that I'd need to schedule time off for my pussy???

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Cleaning

I hate cleaning....

Well that's not true...

I hate cleaning up *my* stuff.

I'll go to a dominant's house and cook, clean, scrub toilets (even if I'm not asked).

My apartment, on the other hand, is a total mess.

Well... it's not *dirty*.  That pile of clothes to my left?  They're clean and folded, just not put away.  The dishes on the counter?  I'm out of cabinets space in my studio, but they too are clean.  The pile of junk?  Ok, it's a pile of junk.

The trash has been emptied, the dishes and clothes are clean, the hair's been cleaned out of the drain, and the toilet scrubbed recently....

But my apartment is full of stuff.

I'm getting better (I hope).  I've downsized to a studio from my one bedroom and as I unpack (yes I've been here nearly a year and still have boxes) a good portion (more than 1/3) ends up re-packed in a box and off to goodwill.  I'm in a studio now, so the place setting for 8 got down sized to 4 and the rest was given to goodwill.  Before the move, a massive shoe purge (*cries*) occurred with the help of my mother (lots of interesting thoughts on some "hooker" heels).

So I feel like I'm caught in the middle...  Most things don't have a place yet (I'm still organizing where I want furniture to be gosh darn it) and I feel like I'm surrounded by stuff.

I've got to take it in pieces... otherwise it's too overwhelming.  I think I'm going to start with the bathroom.  It's the cleanest (things have a place there) and I think I'll organize my vanity.  Face stuff, makeup, a little bit of jewelry.  That's manageable, right?

Maybe this will help me move bit by bit.....

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

First STI Scare

Well, I think I still thought of them as STDs back then....

It was senior year of college.  For the first time since senior year of high school, I was single.  I had dated my first boyfriend long distance the whole time and he'd broken up with my spring break of junior year.

When I was home for Christmas, I decided to join this crazy website called alt.com.

He lived 40+ miles from campus and was a switch (from before I learned that nearly all switch men on the interent are bottoms).

He was a hick.... like a hick... missing teeth, lived out in the boonies, worked in construction, or manufacturing, or something.

And he had a thing for black girls.

So I'd spend me weekends driving out there for sex.  That and sports was really all we had in common. He had a strap on and taught me how to use it on him (see, bottom).

And then he didn't call me on my birthday.  I didn't think it was a huge deal, I mean I wasn't his girl friend, so I let it go.

He called me the next day with a surprise.  It turned out his ex had just given birth to his baby....

Nearly full term.  She didn't "know" she was pregnant.

Oh and it gets better.... the baby came back positive for Syphilis.....

SURPRISE!

So she'd lost her virginity to him and hadn't had any other partners so.......

Student health had this great online system so I got into the doctor in under 48 hours.

The doctor was kind.  I explained the situation, she and I rolled our eyes over not knowing you were pregnant.  She told me that syphilis is only active in certain areas in the US and that Durham, NC was one of those (as is the SF Bay area by the way).  The test is fast, she relayed, and as long as we catch it early, we'll put you on an antibiotic and everything will be fine.

Turns on the baby was false positive for syphilis.  Showing up pregnant with no pre-natal care put into place a huge rush of tests and the secondary rounds all came back clear.

And so ends the tale of my first STI scare ;-)