It's ok...

... to want to rely on someone some of the time.....

I had a rough September.  3 different car issues totally nearly $1k.  Work was in flux (just a move, but still, stress), pollen count was so high I couldn't run outside/train for my 10k, move at work meant no yoga.

I got to therapy on Friday (OMG, totally worth the $20 per visit) and I was wiped out.  I felt like I'd been wound up so tight and couldn't calm down.

After outlining with a calendar all the things going on, she really got that I was exhausted.

One of the things that came up was how alone I felt.  I was able to weather the storm... I was able to deal with all the things....

But I also didn't have a choice but to deal.

I'm feeling a little financially unstable... mostly because the car stuff bit into my cushion (glad I had that cushion).

Wouldn't it be nice, my shrink said, if there was someone else's cushion that you could lean on for a while.  If someone could make you dinner if you had a rough day.  If you cooked dinner and someone else did the dishes.

None of this is stuff I *can't* do... it would just be nice to not have to do it... to be taken care of a little bit.

It makes sense with my fantasy life.  As I get more into hypnosis, dollification, and bimboification, the common thread is giving up control.... but more than just control, giving up un-directed action.

As a submissive, I really like taking care of people.  I had brunch with an ex who I'm still friends with and I still remembered he wouldn't want a straw for his drink and I set out napkins and water glasses for us... I just do that.  I like to take care of people.

But the new fetishes....  I don't do anything.  I'm blank.  I'm a canvas that someone else is writing on.

It makes sense... I need a break from doing all the things and just getting to be.