A practicing submissive

So.......

I keep staring at a blank blog post.

This has been trying to come out of my brain for a while....

And yet I sit here staring at the blankness hoping something will start to trickle out.

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I don't feel submissive anymore.

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That was harder to get out than I thought it would be.

It started when the SF Service Salon group started last year.  Several people pointed it out to me as something that would be up my alley.

It totally, on paper, looked like something that would interest me... but I had this deep visceral dislike of the whole thing.

At the time I saw it as a fundamental difference in opinions in service and submission.  I don't get filled at all from service by itself.  What's filling (what was filling?) to me was the service and the symbiotic relationship with the individual.

It's like boot blacking.  Blacking at a stand is about providing a service... and you get tipped for that service.  I'm a jovial happy person, but not particularly submissive.

Doing Sir's (a hypothetical Sir of course since I don't have one) booth in the privacy of home is completely different.  It's a back and forth of energy between two people and the boots is just the medium for that exchange.

So fast forward months... add in two or three different medicine regimes and two differing diagnoses...

And I'm not feeling submissive at all.

It doesn't have any draw anymore.

Raunchy kinky sex sounds fun.

Beatings sound ok (not even that's drawing me in).

Basically rough sex with some hair pulling is all that seems interesting (again in theory 'cause, well, I suck at scheduling).

Well and then not rough, vanilla-ish sex sounds good too.

Everything else just seems.... fake?

No that's not the feeling....

shallow?

empty?

unfulfilling?

None of those are right but the right words doesn't want to come out (and forcing it just makes it burry down deeper in my sub conscious).

I also have some friends who gave up on kink.... and seem to be really happy.  They decided it wasn't worth it and gave the husband/kids track a try and seem to have more fulfilling lives (yea I know grass is greener but hey, this is my pity party so I'm allowed to admire that grass).

It's also just not been a great time to be kinky.  I've purposely stayed the fuck out of all of the drama on fetlife.  It just seems like... like power struggles and feelings of community... where no community exists.  I never ever went to an event and thought I wasn't 100% responsible for my person, that I wasn't the only person who would stick up for me, but that's just me.

It just makes me want to run away screaming from everything kinky and make do with my occasional (very occasional) fucks with kink-light boys.

But I'm not very submissive.... it feels like a role I played for a dozen or so years on a show that's been canceled...