I’m out of practice…

… of taking a beating.

F beat the crap out of me (literally… so much chest beating that it broke up some congestion in my chest).

It’s all a bit of a blur right now 24 hours later.  I was restrained under a wooden beam.  There were weighted gloves, canes of all sizes, huge thuddy floggers, riding crops, and, of course, pressure points.

That’s kind of the main thing that F and I do.  Our very first play date was wax.  It was nice.  We were cuddling afterwards and he started to play with the pressure points in my butt… and I got really high.  It was the first time I got marks to change colors (I’ve still got photos around here someplace).

To start with, the pressure point play is nice.  In fact, I’m the crazy person leaning in to make the pressure more.  The ones on my chest were really what I liked.

And then it went up a level.  And man did it hurt.  F has this cane with a silver bear on the end of it.  I think I might end up with a bear shaped bruise on my chest from him pushing the end of the cane into the pressure point.

I ended up calling things earlier than normal.  I was cycling hot/cold all night and then I was hot and nauseous, probably a good time to stop.

I went through a bit of “why couldn’t I keep going” but I shook that off pretty quickly.  It’s nice to have fought battles before and not have to linger there very long anymore.

I’ll be posting pictures as the bruising happens.  The ones on my chest really hurt (and are right where a messenger bag sits).  My ass and back are a bit sore, but no colors yet.  The one “bear” mark on my chest is already red and will probably turn colors.  That’s exactly what I need, something to draw the attention of all of the other sadists in my life….

New Meds

So the new psychiatrist didn't tell me....

But my chart now says bipolar.

Awesome.

So I'm now on 3 different mood drugs: an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, and a mood stabilizer.

I'm still working up to my full doses on the 2 newer ones.

So yea... if you see me acting weird, please call me on it... who knows what all of these new chemicals in my brain might do.

Girls... Girls... Girls....

I've written before about not being queer....

But now I'm kind of wishing I was.. a little bit.

Girls are objectively hot.

Boobies are awesome.

Girls are soft and fun to touch.

Kissing girls is fun too... they taste yummy.

But... ummmmmmm.....

They just don't really do it for me without a guy around....

But maybe that's not too bad....

Maybe I should play around with girls, to see if I like it.

Does it not count as real exploration if there's a guy around?

Ahhh the things my sick (like actually sick... stupid sinus infection) brain decides to focus on...

Community....

Ok... this is going to be a rant... and as such feel free to stop reading now.

There's been a lot of things going on online about what "we as a community" should do about something (the current threads are all about consent violations).

I have no desire to get embroiled in flame wars so I sit and watch it go by.... but I'm left with one lingering thought...

What community?

It's not 1980 anymore (not that I was even alive in 1980).  All it takes is access to the internet and you can be at your local dungeon/playspace/etc.

In general, I think this is a good thing.  More people have access to things and it's not as scary to find.

But what you sacrifice is community.

I have no reason to think that anyone I see at a play space will be any nicer to me or respect my boundaries any more that the average joe at a bar.  They've had the same amount of vetting as a bar patron.

Eventually, I'll see them a bunch of times, get to know them, and treat them differently...

But that's work I have to do.

I keep seeing all of these things about what we as a community should do to keep people safe.  I think that I'm safe because I'm nearly hyper vigilant about it.  Something could totally happen to me anyway, but something could happen to be at a bar too.

I recently had a conversation with my boss at work.  Our company is getting big (over 100 people) but we still say that we're small and say we act that way, but we've already started acting like a medium size company.  We should stop saying we're small and embrace our new status.

I feel that way about the kink "community."  We act like we're small, that people are somehow vetted, that we should be safer at the dungeon than we should be at the bar...

But should we?  What do we have in place to make that happen?  Is the address secret?  Do we have orientations that are mandatory?  Do you have to know someone or go to the newbie munch to get in the first time?   Do we hold regulars to the same code of conduct as new people?

This is not to say that I don't have a community in the kink scene... but it's my community, my subset of what you might see as the greater kink community.  Friends, lovers, friends of friends, lovers of lovers, all sorts of combination.

That's my community.

That's where I feel safe and I can take down nearly all of the barriers and guards I walk around with daily.

But I have no expectation of going to a public space and being able to truly let go.... unless I've got someone who's going to hold space for me while I'm a bit out of it.

I'm probably a bit cynical about things... maybe it's my east coast bias...

But I think claiming community is kind of a bit of BS these days.....

Best Blow Job Ever

Well... It was....

It had been a while but Age Appropriate boy and I made plans and he came over last night.

As is his nature, he was naked as soon as he got in the door.  This time, he sent me to the bathroom to get a warm wash cloth.  Confused I went and got it and handed it to him.

"Get naked," he said.

Ok...

I crawl into bed with him....

And he then washes my entire body with the wash cloth....

He's curled up around me and just rubbing and teasing me with the wash cloth.

That's new...

And hot...

We made out and cuddled and were getting hot and heavy when I started to go down on him.  He's on his back and he had me rotate so my bottom is towards his head.

As I start to suck his cock, he starts to finger me.

This went on for over 30 minutes.  I don't know how many orgasms I had.  He likes wet sloppy blow jobs and lots of sounds and that's what I was in the mood to give him.

And it just fit... it worked... I don't know... did our energies just melt together correctly or something?

But it was amazing.  And hot.

I'm happy we talked back when we did and really got what "us" was...

It doesn't mean that I don't sometimes wish he wanted more.. 'cause it could be awesome.

But I'm glad I get to have what I get with him :-)

Man was last night hot....

Con Drop?

It's actually a question... cause I think I'm doing ok ;-)

A couple of things have come up to me...

There have been a couple of conversations re: consent and a play partner of mine brought up something I did as a good example....  He offered to perform some activity, I thought about it and said "i'm not up for x, but y would be ok."  He agreed to y and we moved along.

And life moved on.

It wasn't till he brought it up in conversation about consent that I really realized what I did.... I said no, and was ok with it.

This is kind of a big deal to me... and is along the lines of a lot of the grown I did this weekend.

I did what I wanted.. and really what I wanted.  It wasn't what I *thought* my top wanted... it wasn't what I thought people expected of me.... It was really what I wanted.

I had a lovely scene that others might have looked at and said was "easy," but I got really deep emotionally.. and stayed floaty for a long time...

And it was ok...

I didn't feel rushed out of that head space by my own issues/worries about being needy... I just was.

I wore a bunch of outfits that stretched what I felt comfortable with.. and didn't wear heels all weekend.

I felt hot and sexy in outfits even before I saw friends and acquaintances lose their train of thought once my robe came off.

So yea... a lot of things happened at DO... most of it was inside of my brain.. and I think I'm still seeing the "fall out" from it all...

Re-Cap DO

I'm not ready to really blog about DO... but I wanted to look at my goal list....


- Play with person A I wanted to play with last year - Totally Done

- Play with person B I wanted to play with last year - He got sick

- Make out with one person whom I don't already know. - Didn't do... but thinking this may happen at WinterFire

- Hand out 10 contact/business cards - Handed out 2 or 3... got 5/6 new twitter followers.  Fetlife friends still coming in

- Go to at least one class - OMG Rape Play class was yummy!

- Get 30 minutes of none sexual cuddling - OMG Totally Done

- Eat at least 2 meals a day - Yup, I was good

- Step outside at least once a day - Did this every day

- Only attempt at max one full face makeup per day (more than that will be too stressful) - Didn't do it at all!!!  Yay no foundation 

- Wear 1 outfit that pushes my comfort level but makes me look hot to others - Did this 3 times!!!

- Get pictures of said outfit and other cute outfits - Didn't get enough pictures... but I think there are some ones of me naked now ;-)

- Smile at myself in the mirror whenever possible - Didn't have time to look in the mirror

- Have fun - So much fun.... 

Goals for DO

I've decided to have a goal list for DO.... 'cause maybe that'll make it get here faster!


- Play with person A I wanted to play with last year

- Play with person B I wanted to play with last year

- Make out with one person whom I don't already know.

- Hand out 10 contact/business cards

- Go to at least one class

- Get 30 minutes of none sexual cuddling

- Eat at least 2 meals a day

- Step outside at least once a day

- Only attempt at max one full face makeup per day (more than that will be too stressful)

- Wear 1 outfit that pushes my comfort level but makes me look hot to others

- Get pictures of said outfit and other cute outfits

- Smile at myself in the mirror whenever possible

- Have fun

Girl Brain

Definition - the special over thinking women do when it comes to asking to get their needs met.  The kind of requests they expect from their male partners without thought.  The related assumption that anything they want, their partner would only agree to "for" the woman and thus he is making a huge sacrifice and gets no satisfaction.

I'm having an attack of girl brain.

Recently, I've been day dreaming of hot, passionate, vanilla-looking sex.  Lots of body fluids, lots of kissing and touching, lots of connection

I was sharing this desire with this cute nerdy boy in LA (*waves*... he's reading my blog now... eeek), and he volunteered.

And I immediately launched into girl brain....  It was obviously, in my brain at least, something that he couldn't be interested and thus something he'd only do as a favor to be nice to me.  And it wouldn't be fair of me to ask for that kind of self sacrifice.

It sounds stupid when I re-read it written out here... but it was my first thought.... not in the front of my brain... but just what occurs to me automatically.

Man, that's stupid.

If the experience was exactly the same and just the two roles were switched, I'd be honored that he asked me and be really excited to fulfill some hot fantasy.

But I couldn't think that someone would want to do that for me.

I don't know 100% where it comes from.  Is it a hold over from the "I can say no to sex if the guy wants it" mindset that I'm just getting over?  Does it have something to do with wanting non-kinky sex?

I'll continue to ponder... but I'd be curious to see what other people think as well....

Not a nice person

I'm not a nice person.

Coming off a depressions cycle, dealing with daylight savings time crap, and having gone to the dentist today, I am borrowing a line from Mollena declaring a fuck-ruptcy..... I am out of fucks to give.

Stop reading here unless you have an interest in me ranting and raving and bitching.  I just need it out of my brain before my hot bath....

I'm so sorry your fetlife feed is down.  I didn't really notice.  I was doing things not on the internet.  It's a free site.  Oh, you paid $5 a month?  Do you know how little you get for that?  This is part of what I do for a living.  $5, even times all the paid members, doesn't cover costs.  Yea I wish it worked better... but it's not so critical to my life that I would spend more than a quick second going "ahhh what's up?"

And with me being out of fucks.... the whining is just getting on my nerves.


Oh and at work, social clubs, and personal life.... EVERYTHING IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.....

I feel a bit better now....

Fighting the Scale...

The Good News: The following blog post was written having had 24 hours of no SSRIs in my system... so the crazy depressive thinking will be a bit more under control after the meds continue to propagate through my system.

The Bad News:

Well... It's not bad... I'm just gonna rant/vent a bit to get the brain hamsters to calm down so that I can go to bed... and stop bothering Miss Bella (the lab-pit bull I'm dog sitting) who is looking at my like "OMG Shelly, it's Bella night night time... go the fuck to sleep!"

And now that it's time to write... I'm staring at the laptop and there aren't any words coming out.

January 15th is when I need to re-do my blood work... and I'm sure it's gonna be bad still.

I've got a lot of weight to lose... but it's hard.

I wish there was something easy to do...

I did weight watchers and was moderately successful....

And crazy....  Tracking food made me neurotic.  My depression was out of control with I was losing and then I'd get upset when I wasn't losing... even though my neurotic tendencies were less.

My doctor had me go to an info session on a medically supervised weight loss program.  It's about 800 calories a day (hence medically supervised) and you basically eat their packaged food while you lose weight.

I'd really do it...  I'm at the point where the weight needs to come off and I'll be that weird chick on shakes for all meals to do it.

Except I can't.

My whole life, artificial sugars have made me sick.  It's not an allergy.  I don't swell, get a rash, etc.  It's a sensitivity or an intolerance.  That means I end up with painful stomach cramps and diarrhea for 1-4 hours after ingesting any of the fake sugars (even splenda).

And, of course, all of the shakes have fake sugar in them.  The were able to find that the soups don't have fake sugar in them, so I could have chicken broth soup for 3 meals a day....

If i could have the shakes, I'd probably have done it.. but chicken soup for breakfast just was too much.

But maybe I can get over the sensitivity.

I'm contemplating seeing if I have enough of it that eventually I won't get sick from it.

If I can't get any wait off, I'm going to have to go on a pre-diabetic medicine, Metformin.  Unfortunately, the side effect for that med is...... painful stomach cramps and diarrhea for 1-4 hours....

I was on the med once already.  I actually don't mind taking meds.  I'll be on the synthetic thyroid hormones and the anti-depressants for basically the rest of my life.  I've already got to take a morning med and a night med, so adding any additional ones to the mix doesn't bother me...

Unless there are side effects.

My stomach is where I store all of my stress.  As a small child, a teacher yelling at a class would be enough for me to develop such bad stomach cramps that nothing would make it better except curling up in the fetal position for an hour.

A bit too much dairy, a bit too much meat,  a bit too much of anything and my stomach hurts.  I had a diagnosis of IBS in college.  It went away once I could get in to a psychiatrist and they put me on an anti-depressant.

With all of that, I have very little tolerance for stomach issues from meds.  In addition... with my new found (well maybe not that new) love of anal sex, I don't think I want to always have stomach issues...

_________________________________________________________________________________

Ok... same topic-ish but I couldn't think of a clever transition (I'm just trying to clear my brain so I can sleep).

I've got a Plenty of Fish profile...I don't really use it.  It's more of an amusement device.  There are two different ways to message people.  You can... message people.  Or you can go through and put people on a list of "people you'd like to meet."

So tonight I had a guy put me on that list so I got an alert and I went to look at his profile.

He's totally hot.... and into crossfit.

I know a bunch of people who really like it and I'm not really thinking bad things about crossfit....

But why would someone who has 5 interests and one of them is crossfit be interested in me?

Ok granted.. it's not a true interest (write me a message dude), but I immediately think the worse...

Maybe I wasn't up front enough about my... physical nature... in my profile and once he sees me he's gonna feel fooled.

Maybe he thinks/knows fat girls are easier to fuck 'cause they don't get any and they'll be grateful for any attention.  I'm so not looking to be an easy lay...

Now he could think something completely different, but I immediately fear that this is what's going on....

Ok... i feel my brain trying to turn off.... It's time for me to close the laptop, this blog post, and my brain on this issue till I can process things better.

Goodnight and Good morning!

Connection

(I wrote this on the airplane but my iPad lost the draft... I think I know what I wrote...).

For my trip back to SF, I rented Pacific Rim from iTunes to watch.  I enjoyed it.  It's giant robots vs aliens, right up my alley.

I can see why there are some feminist critiques of the film, but the one thing I was left with was the idea of connection...

Wouldn't it be damn awesome to drift into someone's brain?

And then I realized that's what submission is for me...

Not bottoming, not an exchange of sensation, but submitting.

When submitting, all of the barriers are down.  I'm vulnerable, open, and truly my authentic self.

The barriers are actually still there, but I'm no longer in charge of them.  I've invited someone else inside the walls that keep the world out, and now they're maintaing the barriers, keeping me safe and being with me... as I am... with all the doubts, fears, and insecurities that aren't apparent on the outside.

It's really invigorating when you let someone in.  That connection is addicting.

I talk a lot about wanting a primary... but I think it's that connection that I'm seeking.  I have partners that I get that with now, but it's not an often occurrence.

There are other partners where it's just sex or bottoming.  I realized why they're tiring...

'Cause it's a middle ground....

The walls aren't fully up but they aren't fully down.  That's a weird place and it takes more energy in the end to manage that.

Eventually I should probably take some of the walls down... but damn are they useful....

Just a little bit maniac....

So last night I ranted about shopping.

All day I felt a little bit out of it.

I was hyper focused... I got so much work done.

I had very little patience for anything and ended up ranting at my mom along the lines of last night's blog post.

As I sat around, I started thinking of 5 things I needed to do and 3 blog posts that needed to be written...

And then it hit me....

This is what my mania feels like.

The first time I was diagnosed with mania, it was chemically caused.  I was in grad school and the wanted to up my anti-depressants (here's you sign that grad school is no good for you).  I went from 40mg to 60mg and everything seemed fine and dandy.

I went in for a follow up a month later, and I noticed my doc was asking all kinds of new questions.

"I think," she said "that this is too much medication and you've gone slightly maniac"

I was shocked.  I thought of mania as the opposite of depression.. happy and energetic and just the inability to regulate that.

My mania is what I like to call catastrophizing at the speed of light.... the world is going to end tomorrow and I've got a mile long to-do list before it happens.

I ended up on 6 weeks of a mood stabilizer in order to break the cycle.  I can tell you, that was some of the best sleep I ever got.  I was sooooo sad when I had to give up that med (it kind of makes your body think its diabetic so you can't be on it for long periods of time).

So this isn't that bad... but it's enough to have me stop and think about it...

So I've had dinner.. I'm going to do 3 or 4 things and then turn off all the lights and rest....

Tomorrow is a new day.

Fat Girl Shopping

Lots of stores do these coupons... spend $50, get $25 off of $50 at some future point.

I earned one at the local Torrid and today was the last day to use them so J and I went over to look at cute clothes.

Well as cute as plus size clothes get...

So we go to pay and the staff is really apologetic... the internet to the shopping center went down so they were having to process everything by hand and call in for verifications.

I didn't mind waiting and the staff was pleasant.

It wasn't until walking out that I realized what was weird.....

No one cared.

I mean people had to wait a LONG time in line and the staff was very good about apologizing...

But no one got upset...

No one left...

And as I was walking to the car, I turned to J...

"It's 'cause it's the only place we can go.... that's why no one was upset at the line."

And it's true...

I can shop at Lane Bryant, Torrid, some places online, and certain big box stores (if they actually have a plus size section in the store).

That's it.

You see another plus size woman on the street... and you at least recognize one or two things in her ensemble from the store, if not from your own closet.

I've never known anything else....  I remember being so upset as a kid when you didn't go from the large in the children's section to the small in the teen's section (What do you mean they don't start over??).

I in fact once had a freak out when I was seriously losing weight.

Where do you shop once the plus size clothes are too big?

It's too many options....

It's so scary and strange and unknown.

I'm not used to choice... I'm used to feeling like I lucked out 'cause I found *one* thing.

I realized that my wardrobe is starting to fall apart.  I haven't really shopped for clothes since I got my current job after grad school...

January marks my 3 year anniversary of this job.

I'm down to 3 or 4 pairs of jeans that fit...  The ones you barely can get into in the morning but after wearing them all day are a bit too loose in the waist.

Having to replace things seems horribly frightening.  It's so much money (with no coupon jeans are at least $50 a pair) and they're not going to fit... you settle for the ones that are the *closest* to fitting.

The jeans I have now... I at least *know* how they're not going to fit.

That pair is gonna hang off my waist too much... gotta wear a long shirt with them.

That one makes my ass look good.... but I won't be able to breathe comfortably for the first hour I'm in them.

Can't wear those too often.  They're the best fitting ones but the other two just like them died of chub rub and I want to keep those nice for as long as I can.

I also realized, while trying on clothes, just how ill fitting so many of the clothes are.

Yea I'm big... but I have a waist... like an actual waist.  Like the middle of me is significantly smaller than the top or the bottom....

Just 'cause I'm big doesn't mean I'm uniformly big all the way through....

But, you know, I got two cute skirts from last season for cheap and a nightie that I hope to wear to the club some time....

But then I look at the shirt I wear every other week to work.... and dread the day that it finally dies and I have to worry about replacing it.... it took so much good karma to find that one...

It's why I have the same thing in all the colors it came it.... if it fit and looks good, get as many of them as you can....

I said no...

... to sex.

I hadn't heard from him since he left Wednesday morning.

I get a text today while I was watching the hockey game. He wanted to come over later (he was out with friends). "Later" meant sex at midnight.

I said I had an early morning and begged off.

I feel like I might need to end this soon. I just reslly don't feel up to casual sex with him.

There are two parts to that: casual and with him.

I get non "Big R" relationship sex from other people (waves to those partners who read this blog), but I get more from them than I do from him. I get companionship and kisses and making out and beatings and bitings....

It's like why keep him around for "ok" sex.... He is more available than the rest.... And maybe I could mold him.....

But is it worth it? Maybe I should just talk to him and see if maybe he's interested in more.... But is that something you ask? Shouldn't I know if he wanted more already?

The fact that have a serious conversation with him seems so odd to me is probably my answer.....

5am sex

Ok... So it wasn't 5am....

Tuesday night I was talking to boy (age appropriate one) and he suggests coming over after work to cuddle.

He's working grave yard this quarter so "after work" is 5-5:30 am.

I agreed and said to call me when he got off of work.

So he called and got here around 5:45 am. He got naked and crawled into bed.

Oh..... I forgot that in boy speak "cuddle" meant "sex."

The sex was good.... but damn am I *not* a morning person...

I used to joke that if you're waking me up early, sex is the only good reason.....

I now think that sex isn't a good enough reason either.

Like I said, I enjoyed it... but I wouldn't do it again... if that makes sense.

I like this boy... as a friend. I don't really see him as being more than that.... and that's what I want...


MORE

Dinner

Yes I went to Disneyland again.  No I don't have a problem :-P

While I was down in LA I finally got to have dinner with a friend/friend's boyfriend who lives in LA.  The food was great but the company was greater.

We were sitting and chatting and, as people in our circles are apt to do, we started discussing our relationship configurations.

"Oh I've got great people I play with and then this one boy that I'm seeing... but he's really busy...  I'd really like to have someone to like watch sports with and cuddle with on (the rare) rainy days."

My friend paused...

"You know you deserve that, right?"

And I stopped.

So he kept going.  "Your new boy... have you gone out on like a date?"

And I sat and thought.... "Well," I started, "we've gone out to eat together."

"Going out pre/post coitus 'cause you need food doesn't count," came the quick reply.

"Oh....."

It's funny to realize these things....

I guess I really do give myself short shift a lot.

***********

And now for something completely different.  We were talking about families and I remarked that I read 50 Shades of Grey after my mom and my aunt read it and were asking me questions.  He had never read it and had a question for me.

Many people talk about how it's unrealistic and how you'll never find a Dom in a couple of days and be collared immediately.

I totally agree with that.... in real life....

But have you read ANY romance novels?  All kinds of non-realistic things happen.

I'm not saying they're good books.  There are all kinds of things wrong with them (mostly the writing is terrible), but they're romance books.... erotic romance books.  I think saying that things happen too quickly, too perfectly for it to be a good book ignores the genre.... THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS!  Do you want to read a romance novel where they date for 5-6 years and then get married... or one where they meet and are friends for 5 years and then go on a date and they maybe have sex?  Nope.... well... not for me at least ;-)

Monogamy and Me

It hasn't taken a full week to process +Mollena Williams's classes from this weekend... but I think some stuff is coming up.

In the playing with strangers class, Mo talked about knowing your needs, wants, and desires.

After some really deep thought, I really think that I get my wants and desires met pretty easily.... but then there are the needs.

It's not that I'm walking around unfulfilled... it's just hat I construct my needs in a way that I'm self sufficient... which makes it hard to "need" anyone else... 'cause damn that makes you vulnerable.

And then I really started looking at my wants....

I realized that I get a lot of wants fulfilled.  If it's about getting beat and/or fucked, it's fulfilled.

But as I age (yea dear reader you can groan about me being nearly 30 and talking about aging) I find that what I'm really looking for now is the other stuff...  I'd like to have a partner to chat with about nonsense, someone to sit at a sports bar and watch a game and goof off.  It's the none sexual relationship stuff that I feel is missing.

Which kind of lead me to the title of the post.  It dawned on me that when it comes to deep, emotional connection, I think I'm monogamous.  Many people clarify their poly.  Lots say they're play poly, i.e. you can play with other people.  A lot of the time, the line for that is drawn between beatings and sensation and sex.

I think I see myself on the other side of that line.  I like sex.  It's awesome.  I like sex with my beatings.

But I don't need to be deeply emotionally involved with the givers of the beatings and the sex.

And I shouldn't.  I mean I am and want to be close dear friends... but there's always a bit I should keep back.

(I've already written the not being clingy posts, right?)

I was thinking about when P and I were together.  I wasn't primary and I was supposed to be dating other people.

But I couldn't.  I loved him and I was his girl and he got all of my emotional energy.  I was ready to make my needs fit into what he could give 'cause I couldn't look for anyone else.  I could meet up with new people for the fucking and the beating... but then I wanted to "go home" to him and tell him about it.

I'm just really getting what that is.  I think I'm emotionally monogamous.  I really like the fucking and the beating with friends.... really close friends.... chosen family.  

But I want one person to be my better half... to come home to and share my day and watch stupid TV and cuddle (and maybe father my children... still thinking about that).

I'm sure more on this topic will be coming soon....

Regency Romance Novels

I have always loved regency romance novels.

As a young kid, my favorite books were Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre.  While both considered classic literature, they're romance novels.

I think it's why I've gotten so into Dickens fair.  I want to go to a ball and wear a fancy dress and dance with fine gentlemen.

The particular series I'm reading totally fits with my life these days.  It's about men who weren't supposed to be lords (2nd sons etc) but due to the large number of deaths in the war have become titled lords.  They all know each other based on their wartime service... as spies... and thus have certain ticks that make them interesting.

They all, one by one, need to get married.  They all fall for unconventional women, most of whom have found themselves caught up in some mystery.

And the women are older...

Ok Older for this time period means like 26... but they're all women who believed themselves old spinsters.

So I just need to find a dark, dangerous man, with a past that he hides from others with a mask I can see through.

Oh My God.... That's my type....

Very very interesting....

Numbers on a page

The message came right after lunch.

I was scared to open it but then I decided that waiting would make anything better so I logged into the web interface.

There was an email and the lab results.  I clicked on the email first.

"Both tests are now normal"

I race over to the test results...

.75

I pull up all of the tests I've ever done at this doctor's office (don't you love technology)...

.69

.57

1.54 (H)

.75

Anything other .9 is "normal" or negative.

.9 - 1.1 is margina/retest

Over 1.1 is "high" or positive though many people who have had outbreaks have a results that just says >5.0.

Yup, these are HSVII AB IGG Serum results.....

And mine now say "normal" (whatever that means).

I should be excited, right, jumping up and down...

And all I can think of is "I do this again in 6 month?"

I want to be excited (I think I'm about to get used a lot more than I have been)...

But I'm a pessimist.. I always have been...

In another 6 months, the rug could get pulled out from under my feet again.

So I'll probably not change a whole lot of my behavior, especially with new/unknown partners...

But at least I feel a little bit better....

Needs and Wants

My apologies to regular readers.... this may sound a bit like a broken record... like I'm complaining but still not doing things about what i'm complaining about.

Well I'm still processing what's missing and till that's done, I won't know what to ask for.

I was looking at all of the relationships I've set up recently.  In all of them, by design, I'm not a primary partner and I'm also not high up on the list of importance.  That's not a bad thing.  I care for the people I'm in relationships with (otherwise, why would I be there?), but it's the way things are set up.

I'm a really good non-primary partner: I made friends with metamours, I abide by all rules that are put out, and I'm careful of everyone's feelings...

Well... not everyone's feelings.

I'm the person who wants something and doesn't ask.  I think it's part of the rule following in my nature.  I enter into a relationship, there are rules, and I abide by them.  I was talking about a want (the particular isn't important) and a friend/partner on the east coast said "well, why don't you ask for it?"  I guess I could ask for it, but really, I feel like I don't have that right.  There were rules, I agreed to them, and I see them in my brain as a dark, wide line.  I've never been the person to think of rules as guidelines.  They're black and white... this is ok... this is not ok...

But is it normal to agree to something and then ask for more than what's in the agreement?  Is it rude to ask?  I mean, the rules are out there, everyone agreed to them.... does that mean they're never up for discussion again?  Is it something you can re-ask after an appropriate time has passed?

Or do you leave things the way they are with that relationship and search for an additional relationship to fill those needs/wants.

I think it also highlights that I do one type of relationship well.  It's a running joke, but yes, I'd be glad to fuck your husband once a month/quarter/year and remain your friend and be an ideal partner.  I really enjoy it (I mean totally vetted, amazing sex).

There's no but on the end of that sentence for a reason... it's not a but statement.  There's no but...

There is an *and* statement though...

I really enjoy it AND I'd like to get some more needs met as well.

I think that's the hardest part of still searching... I'm getting so many wants/needs met... I feel kind of guilty for not making due with the amazing stuff I've got going for me....

Sports

Ok...  I know this is not going to be a popular thing...

But I really like sports.

I mean I'm not that crazy person whose entire house is dedicated to a sports team complete with altar...

But I can have an intelligent conversions about all 4 major US sports and several weird Olympic/International ones.

If I've got nothing to do, and I've got access to a TV with cable, I'm either watching the history/discovery/military channel or some sports channel.

Today I had football on while I masturbated.... twice.  It's just what I do... sports are always on.

When looking to find people to share your life with, I'm shocked that nearly all of my male friends/play partners aren't into sports.  I totally get that it's a stereotype, but I've never dated a guy who knew or cared as much about sports as me.

It's one of the things that makes me think about finding a cute vanilla poly boy to settle down and have babies with....

I have no words....

He lived far away, had interesting things to say... and I thought he'd be cool to just chat with.....

awayfromthelies12:38What is your current weight?


12:39Me12:39lol none of your business


12:39awayfromthelies12:39I'll make sure I keep on top of you
12:39whoa


12:39Me12:39Have you heard the phrase, i'm a submissive but i'm not your submissive?


12:39awayfromthelies12:39Oh boy


12:40Me12:40i'd love to chat and get to know you and see if things mesh


12:40awayfromthelies12:40here we go
12:40man if I had a dime


12:40Me12:40but that doesn't mean that you get to start from the beginning like we have an agreement if we don't
12:40lol if i had a dime for the number of "kneel before me, your true master"messages i get


12:40Me12:40I often wonder do girls go to school at the same place to learn those silly typical BS phrases
12:40I never said kneel
12:40It's about manners and respect to me
12:41Not about the games, cyber or taking offense at the smallest things


12:41Me12:41and respect is learned


12:41awayfromthelies12:41Wrong!
12:41yet again the same pathetic school of thought that you don't even know it's common
12:41Respect is given to everyone! The AMOUNT is earned
12:41It's clear you have never been taught or used correctly


12:41Me12:41and it's respectful to ask someone you don't know their weight


12:41awayfromthelies12:41No you're wrong again
12:41The only girls who have issues are the fat ones
12:41It's like age
12:42The only ones with an issue are the old ones
12:42It's a simple question and if you can't answer the simple things you can't be tested or pushed at all
12:42How you learn and how you are taught is meant to be fun and erotic.

And then I blocked him... on everything... everywhere I could...

Yes, I'm leaving his whole username up...

Yes I'll post this where ever I can.

You, Sir, are a Douche....

And this fat submissive gets way more action than you'll ever hope to get.

I wish I cared enough to really have bad feelings for you.. but I don't.... you can just live here on the internet, where all of the other stupid men live....

Yea, I'm not Queer

I'm not....

And that's ok...

I got to go to the Lusty Lady's last day before it closed (tear).  I had a great time.  Chicks are pretty to look at...

But that's about it.

I don't think that this would be anything I'd regularly think about if I didn't live my life the way I do.  I'm kind of painfully heterosexual.

I mean... I don't care what you do... I really don't.... I just don't have any interest in girls.

And apparently that's SHOCKING!

As I roll through the crazy dating world again (OMG so many men are such idiots), the number of times I get asked "So, do you do girls too?" is crazy.

I read a great article that a friend re-blogged recently... and it really got me thinking... am I not into girls 'cause I'm not... or am I not into girls 'cause I so often got approached 'cause, you know, I'm not a real threat to a relationship (or anyone's heterosexuality).

I still think on it... but I really just think it's just me... I'm not into girls... I was never into girls.  I didn't do the college exploration thing... I didn't think hot things about girls....  It's just not me.

And it all makes me feel really uncomfortable.  Not uncomfortable to see two women going at it.  Uncomfortable to be in spaces were it's assumed that I too will engage in said behavior.  I don't go to women's parties.. it's not my thing.  I don't go to women's play spaces.  It's just not my space.  I'm ok with it deep down.. I know it's not for me...

But I get really nervous when people get pushy...

There's a guy I might fuck (that's really all he's good for, I've been told).  He's already on thin ice 'cause I feel like an object.. and not in a fun way.

But his real button pusher is having his gf in the room watching us....

If I had a penis, I think it would go soft every time he asks.  I did the girl thing and said maybe, lol'd in a text, and changed the subject... but it keeps coming back.

Luckily he's not worth anything so if he asks again, I'll say no and if that's not ok, it'll save me the headache of listening to him talk.

But, but back on the market, it's just another thing to wade through along with everything else....

Ok, it's been 26 hours since I took my happy pills... and i'm starting to feel it....

The rest of it...

So I've sat with my blog post and I think I've started to see, at least a little bit, what may be going on.

I'm actually getting an entire set of needs met... and now the secondary needs are making themselves known.

I'm actually getting enough sex....

It's a shock.

I mean I could get more (hello sexual peak) but I don't feel like I'm needing more.

I think what I really want is the non-sexy fun time...

Going out to dinner... being in each other's presence and just "being".... snuggling and reading... Just hanging out.

C is pretty awesome but our schedules are so off sometimes that I get 2 hours with him at a time.... an hour and a half of that being fucking.

I'm not saying I wish I got less fucking, more that I wish I got more time in general.

It would be the nice thing about dating a vanilla boy.. I'd probably get a lot of that stuff even if the sex wasn't 100%....

Off to the salt mines of OKC again to see what I find with my insomnia...

Is there something in the air?

Or a weird phase of the moon?

After I started having all these deep thoughts about the future and relationships, I see some friends starting to firm up what they want and start to look for new partners...

Is it the end of summer/moving into fall?

Is the moon in a funny cycle?

I see it at work too (so it's not something that's only affecting us Kinky folk).

It makes me want to play match maker... both overtly and covertly.  I want people I know to be happy... to find a partner that compliments them and increases their happiness....

But I'd probably freak if my friends tried to set me up.

Another thing that I guess I should get over... if a friend wants to introduce me to someone, I should trust their judgement (if I trust their judgement) and not feel like a charity case.

I know that's not my thought process when I'm looking for other people.

It's also just a skill I have.  I like talking to people.  I hide my shyness in great conversational skills in which the other person feels like we've connected and I've managed to hide in plain sight.

Ok I'm gonna try and sleep again.... my foot (yay stress fracture) is a little more swollen than it has been.  I need to stay off of it more tomorrow :-(

Weddings and Babies

Blogging is going well.... but I think it's still time to find someone professional to talk to as well....

C cam over this afternoon.  He had to be at work at 5am today and 5 am tomorrow (stupid job) so we only had 3 hours.  We fucked like crazy cuddled in bed, and the fucked again.  I'm sore and worn out.

And pretty happy.  It was nice to see him.  But, I don't get the "OMG we should date" vibe from him.

In fact, I just don't feel like he's looking for a big R relationship at all.

And that's ok with me.... like I'm perfectly happy, I think.

It would be nice to have a guy to take to work functions and be able to have him spend the night on occasion and maybe go out on a date and not just fuck.

But I don't really feel like I need that...

Which is a shock.

I don't know if it's me not wanting what I don't have so I don't want it any more (last big R relationship was in college), or if I don't want a big R relationship and all of the wanting of it is just what society has put on me.

I want to get married... I think... Do I?

I thought I did.  I thought I wanted to get married and have 2-3 babies and stay at home till they were in school and then go back to work.

But I'm not really doing anything to move in that direction.

I'm having fun fucking who ever I want.

I'm not really dating guys who are looking to settle down (with me... most of them are already settled down with someone else).

While I want kids, it's not such a huge desire that I'm ready to drop everything and start IVF... or do I think I'd ever do it if I didn't find a partner who wanted to do the whole parenting thing too.

Does that mean I don't really want it?

How much of this stress is just due to logistics? I will hit menopause at some pre-defined date and then no longer have a choice of having kids or not.  If I could always make the decision, maybe I would feel the pressure the same way.

I'm tired now...  I could also feel weird since my body is dealing with weird shit (aka healing this stupid stress fracture).  Work is good but really busy....  Everything is everywhere and my brain isn't helping me figure out everything that's going on.

I'm gonna make HR help me find a new shrink to off load this shit on....

Mental Spoons

Many times I've heard people talk about The Spoon Theory.

It really helped me understand people who fight diseases that look to be fine.....

But tonight it hit me.... I'm one of those people.....

I know a lot of the time people don't think of mental health as a disease the same way, but it is.  I have a chronic deficiency of serotonin.  I've had it since before puberty.  It comes and it goes and it's pretty well controlled with medication and behavior, but I'll pretty much always have it.

I only get so many mental spoons a day.

I've been forgetting that.

I've been acting like I wasn't sick... that I had so many spoons that I could spend them on everything and anything.

But what I was doing was borrowing from the future.

A couple of weeks ago I went into nesting/hermit mode?  I didn't want to do anything and just wanted to be by myself at home....

I'd run out of mental spoons.

I was so on edge that I couldn't deal with anyone else's blow back emotions.  All of my shields were down and I was completely drained.

I spent too many spoons recently... and last night I felt it.  Those demons that I battle when I close my eyes knew I didn't have the spoons to fight them off..... so last night i was up till I really did pass out in bed (I remember seeing 3:23 am but then nothing till my alarm went off).

So why do I write this all out??

To remind myself that it's ok to be selfish with my spoons....  That I don't have an unlimited supply of them... and it's not bad to say no to things or situations to preserve my spoon supply.

Now to fix the deficit...

Rant... Rant... Rant......

If you keep reading... you've been warned....


THIS IS A RANT!!

I log onto Fetlife again, just going through things...

And I see it again...

You know why I'm single?

'Cause the cute guys my age get play with 19 and 20 year olds....

Why deal with someone who can tell you know when you can get a younger model who's skinner with firmer tits.

Did I say this was a rant?

'Cause it's a rant.

No, I don't logically believe this to really be the case.

No, I don't wish ill on people.

No, I don't really think that the guys my age who like dating 19 years old would be someone I would really want to be with.

But that first thought when you see it is "Oh no, not fucking again..."

Entertain me!

It happens more nights than not.

It's 10:30 or 11pm...

And I'm wide awake.

The internet can't entertain me.

There's not anything on (internet) TV.

I stare into nothingness, trying to figure out what's going on.

I could clean.... My apartment is in the state where you're setting up so everything that doesn't have a place is in a pile in the middle of the floor.

I could masturbate... nah that will just make me more awake.

I should hop in the shower... but it's *all the way* across my apartment (maybe 15 steps).

It's just this weird state of.... blah.

Nothing is wrong... but nothing is right.

Someone said a full moon is coming... maybe that's what's going on....

Maybe as 30 approaches, I'm just more aware of coming home to a studio apartment at the end of the day just isn't fulfilling for me.

Growing up, I would have never imagined this.  My parents got married at 25.... engaged senior year of college, married right after my dad graduated from law school.  In hindsight, I didn't really do anything to make that life happen, but I always assumed it would.  I didn't date in college, 'cause I showed up with a boy friend already.  We'd spend summer vacation pretending to be a  newlywed couple and go to open houses in new developments.  We were house shopping at 19 and 20... that was our fun date night activity.

When that ended, I was hurt, but I figured you just get up and move on...

But I guess I just never spent any energy to get back to that future I had imagined for myself.

I know a bunch of people with kids now.  I want kids.... I mean I think I want kids... I've always said I wanted kids.  I have dreams about kids...

But I don't feel like I want it badly enough.  "Oh if you want kids badly," the helpful person says, "you can have them by yourself with science."  Nope.. I don't want them badly enough for that route.  Not that there's anything wrong with that... It's just not something I want.

Which I think, at the heart of it, is the bigger problem...

There just isn't anything I *want* that badly.  Nothing worth moving out of a path where I get up, go to work, pay bill, and keep treading water... nothing to get me out of the rut, no passion to drive me on.

I'm just spinning my wheels....

I want...

Given my sense of self preservation seems to be failing me, I'll go ahead and write out some of the crazy shit in my brain that I'd like done....

• I'd like to be tied up with a large anal hook and tortured.
• I'd like a hitachi tied to my clit and left till I pass out (or red).
• I want to be fucked in the ass with a vibrator in my pussy (I've actually only ever used a hitachi (and externally)).
• I'd like to be fucked while suspended in the air.
• I want to take video/pictures while I'm getting fucked and/or hurt.
• I want an artistic cutting or brand... that bleeds pretty.
• I want to do a lot more painful breast bondage till my tits turn pretty colors.
• I want to get fucked over the hood of a still warm car out alongside a highway.
• I want to get fucked out in the woods.
• I want to get fucked out in the snow.
• I want to sleep curled up in Sir's arms...

Finding the ground....

Dore Alley was amazing!

But now I feel weird. I'm just not grounded. 

It's not like sub drop... Not that kind of weird, endorphin drop. 

Just not feeling steady. 

Not like I'm gonna fall.... Just that I'm not gonna get where I want to go quickly. 

I don't want to blog

I really don't.

You get to those places were there's so much going on in your head that you just want to hide.

And nothing wants to come out or be finished.

Maybe I'm coming down with something.  I've had a tickle in my throat for two days now.  It hasn't gotten worse or better.

Maybe my job sucks.  Had a meeting with my boss's boss (he's out of town and she used to be my direct boss before his promotion).  I nearly had to leave before I barfed all over the place from stress.  She said that she knew making processes was hard for me.... wait... me?  I make process and notes for EVERYTHING.  What am I messing up that that's not apparent?

What am I going to do with my life?  My job is pretty dead end.  No promotion or pay raise in nearly 21 months.  I've got over half of my stock granted now.  Aren't those supposed to keep giving you stock so you stay around.  Maybe they don't like me.  I really don't care what they say and all of the nice things they say, I've seen them drop people with no warning for a "change in direction."  The people who have been out right fired have done something or their boss did something and the whole group was "reorganized."  I mean I don't logically think I could be out of a job tomorrow... but it's CA, an at will state, there's a non 0 chance that each day is my last day.

Writing isn't helping.

I'm still amped up.

I'm not sleeping again :-(  I slept through the night (mostly) Saturday in the tent up in the mountains, but since then (and about a week before then) I haven't been able to sleep through the night.  I'm probably gonna stay up later tonight and see if I can get that wake up closer to 6 (and just get up for the day) instead of the sill 3:45 wake up that's been plauging me.

And now all of you have read my random ranting. I'm gonna go take my happy pill and zone off to mindless sports... maybe kill some monsters in rift, till I can go to sleep....

Un-plugged.... Cold Turkey

My most favorite toy, my Hitachi, is unplugged and put away....

I realized that I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't get off (by myself) without it.  I know that I physically can, so a little bit of extra horniness, and I'll be back to masturbatory basics.

I also do this 'cause I know I don't need it.  Hitachi orgasms are nice... I get off..... but I'm very rarely satisfied afterwards.... it's just kind of over.

The orgasms I love, the ones that make me pass out, are all vaginal orgasms....  But there's a problem with those too: angle.

My arms can't be detached from my body and used to finger fuck myself....  It would be awesome if they could.

So I can never seem to get the angle right on my own.....

So then I started thinking.... maybe I need to invest in a fucking machine for myself...

Not a fuck saw.... I still couldn't operate it on my own, but something where I could get the feeling of being fucked when I don't have someone else around (and no, I could never get the angle right with a dildo to fucking myself either).

Ahhhh the things we think of when horny ;-)

Boots

She walked in a carefully set her kit next to his favorite chair.

Out came the soap, the polish, and the grease.

She hoped she was prepared for everything.

He walked in the room.  "Strip," he said and turned to pour himself a drink.

Carefully she removed all of her clothing and put her hair back in a ponytail.

He sat, bourbon in one hand and unlit cigar in the other.  She finally looked down and saw them...

Tonight wasn't about a pair of fancy boots with a high shine... not about the boots he wore to the dungeon with the buckles and accessories.

Tonight was about him, his everyday engineer boots carefully crossed at the ankle, fresh with dust and wear, just like him.

Without a thought, she dropped to her hands and knees and crawled towards him.  She began licking the toe of one boot, lapping all of the dust off of it.  The other boot came down on top of her neck, forcing her to remain there until he decided to release her.

She then got up and began loving the other boot.  Her mouth started to dry up and she covered the boot with her salvia but soon she caught the familiar smell of a cigar and her mouth began to water again.

She knew what was coming.

Trying not to anticipate the evening, she reached for the soap and cleaned the leather of both boots.  Next she dipped both hands into the vat of boot grease and began to gently massage his boot and feet, carefully pouring all of her care into her work.

As she finished the second boot and went to reach for a towel to wipe up the excess, he stopped her.

"Kneel," he gently demanded.  Up she knelt, legs spread, head down, both open, and tongue out.

Gently, the ash from his cigar fell onto her tongue.  She held it till he said "thank you" and she closed her mouth, savoring the feeling of the hot ash in her mouth.

His freshly cleaned boot then slid between her legs.

"Cum," he demanded.

With the fresh ash still in her mouth, she began to grind her clit into his boot.  Eyes closed in pleasure, she felt an orgasm approaching very quickly.

He reached down and grabbed both of her nipples harshly.  Instantaneously, she began to orgasm, squirting all over his left boot, soaking the leather again.

As she came down from her orgasms, she felt more ash come down on her body.  Reaching up with hand still covered in boot grease, she began to rub the cooling ash into her skin.

"It looks like my boots are dirty again, girl," he said with a small smile, settling back into his favorite chair, puffing on his cigar.

She looked into his eyes, briefly pausing to notice the erection straining under his button fly jeans, and then began to re-clean his boots with her tongue.

It was good her favorite place to be was down at his feet... she was going to be there all night.

Sub Drop.... from nothing?

I didn't do anything!

At least with sub drop you got to do the fun stuff first.

I came home from my busy, busy weekend, took a nap, and woke up in a funk....

Hopefully some writing will help me process exactly what's going on so I don't have to stay in this funk.....

- Water
I spent Friday night with booze and then all day Saturday and Sunday morning out camping.  I love the sun and was out in it whenever possible (even if everyone else was sitting in the shade).  I'm probably a little dehydrated.

- Dealing with Stupid
I think I have a really high tolerance for dealing with stupid.... well at least higher than my closest friends.  In fact, I run interference a lot of the time just 'cause it doesn't bother me..

So if it start to bother me.... it's really, REALLY stupid.

I mean I generally feel that I'm a nice person... but to have to pour a drink to deal with someone, and while drinking, still plan a homicide.... it's a whole lot of stupid.

I just don't get it... between the amazing level of stupid and my natural tendencies to protect my dear ones, I just used up a whole lot of my "give a fuck".... maybe all of it.

- Boys
Last weekend I had a play date on Friday and saw boy on Tuesday and Thursday.  Poor thing... there's a bunch of vacations going on at work and he's working a whole lot trying to cover all the empty shifts.  I guess it's what happens in management.  The scary thing is.... I miss him... like I haven't seen him in 10 days and I miss him....

And he misses me... he said it... he was afraid that he was neglecting me and that I'd walk away.  I miss him and I shared that, but I didn't tell him at all that I was starting to crash, 'cause he'd think it was his fault and feel worse.  It's not his fault...  There are all kinds of reasons to be in a funk... he'd just be one of the easiest ways to get out of it.

It's scary really liking a boy.....


So now I've written... I've taken my happy pills and eaten some food.  I feel a bit better, not 100%, but better.

We'll see what side of the bed I wake up on....

I'm horny.....

Hello Libido!!!!

I'm horny....

And there are all kinds of dirty thoughts in my head....

Thoughts of being tied down and fucked in all 3 holes at once.

Thoughts of being spit and pissed on till I'm covered in fluids...

Thoughts of being beaten till I'm bloody and the blood of my ass can be used as lube to fuck my asshole.

Thoughts of coarse rope digging into my skin and being used to hold on and move body up and down on a hard cock...

Thoughts of a hand around my throat restricting the air entering my lungs as another hand wrings orgasms after orgasm out of my oxygen starved body.

Thoughts of teeth digging in to my shoulder as a huge cock pounds my cunt from behind.


And a nice cuddle after, sleeping warm wrapped up in their arms feeling the aches start as the endorphins start to fade....

Clingy

I'm afraid of being clingy...

Like really afraid.

No one has ever said that I was clingy.... but it's probably my biggest poly/general relationship fear.

I had my first boyfriend at nearly 18.  Late bloomer would imply that I wasn't thinking about boys.  I had been *man* crazy since I was 10 and ready erotica since about then.

I was nerd and I was chubby... but I was also one of the guys.  They didn't stop their conversations when I came around like they did with the other girls.  I was better at math and engineering than they were and could talk sports and action movies.  They couldn't date me.... that would be weird.

My first (and only) vanilla relationship was long distance from the start.  He was a year older and already at college, so I had the holiday/summer boyfriend.... for 3.5 years.

I think we did pretty well for long distance.  I was that girl in the hallway on the phone with her boyfriend most nights, but we talked about everything from his latest race (he was on the crew team) to how the hometown sports teams were doing.  I was the perfect girl... I did what he wanted before he could even ask for it.

But then he fell out of love with me....

This is all to say that I never really got to practice *being* with someone... I never got over NRE and then settled into a nice comfy "we're together" stage... I've never done that.

And I'm scared I don't know how.

Fast forward 6 months of celibacy and 6 months of saying yes to every guy who wanted me because, oh, a boy wants me...

Bringing a fear of clingy into poly probably wasn't the smartest thing I ever did.  I quickly got a reputation for being a great poly partner.  Female friends of mine thought I was great to date their husbands/boyfriends, 'cause they knew I'd respect all of the boundaries.

But I wasn't really getting all of my needs met....

I was so scared of being a bad poly partner, of over stepping my boundaries, that I nearly became a shell of myself.  I couldn't let anyone in.. 'cause if I did and the I actually relied or needed them or something, they'd run away.  And then I wouldn't be able to function without them.. better to not need anyone and always be self sufficient and be able to walk at a moment's notice.

I'm not saying it makes sense... just how my mind operated.

Then I dated P....  I was still pretty bad.  I'd be afraid to call mid sub drop after a crazy intense scene for fear of being clingy/an inconvenience.  I mean, we'd play Friday or Saturday and if I was going to drop, it would be Monday and that's *way* far removed from the play.

He eventually got tired of the clingy fear.  It's one of the nice things of being submissive, is some things can be ordered/taken away.  He put himself in charge of the "clingy" meter.... He promised to tell me if I was getting clingy and I promised to not feel like I was asking for too much until he told me....

He never told me I was being clingy....

Fast forward again and I have an amazing play date on Friday.....  I know my pattern.... Monday is going to be the day I drop, if I drop.

But I didn't feel bad on Monday... things were going well.....

But I wanted to call him... to text.... to bask in his presence....

And the fear came up.

Oh fuck I'm getting attached... I'm not supposed to be... I should be ok and not needing anything....

Sub drop by way of a fear of being clingy is a new one, even for me.

Last night I wrote about masks.... and as I was processing it all, the clingy came back...  So I said something.  I said I had a problem with being clingy and that I think I was over compensating and thus not expressing accurate needs....

Well... that's not exactly true.  Logically, from an outsider's perspective, I'm not clingy.  I never really have been.  But I guess I'm so afraid of it that the desire to see someone again, while the bruises are fresh and I haven't really come down, sends me into a panic that I'm doing something wrong....

Not sure how to fix it yet... I now know that I want to.... but I'm not sure where to head now...

On the flip side... I really have been liking the attention C has been paying me.... but I was afraid *he* was being clingy.  Now that I look at it... it wasn't a fear of clingy... it was a fear that he was clingy and I wasn't supposed to like it.  I like when he texts or calls or IMs or when he see s a cute Disney Toy and thinks of me....

But those are the things that I would do if I wasn't afraid of being clingy.. and since people don't like clingy, then I should be upset that he does them......

I gotta say blogging is way cheaper than therapy.... but crying in front of my lap top seems a bit sillier than crying in my therapist's office........

I don't know...

My English teachers always said the title to a piece sometimes doesn't come until it's written....

There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....

So I don't know seems appropriate.

I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend.  I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.

"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked.  I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.

"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."

I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist....  Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....

The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....

Everyday, we walk around with masks....  Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything.  There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl....  There's the fiercely independent mask.  It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.

I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...

But it's kind of a half mask....

It's hiding the masochist...

And I'm not really sure why.........

I know it took me a while to embrace it.  I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone.  I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....

Well that's not true....

There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....

There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...

There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....

There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...

But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.

She's not the most.....

I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...

But that's not true.

I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing.  She knows where yellow is.  She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...

It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.

I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....

I remember my very first scene in a public space.  I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too.  While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down.  I'd never been high before off of endorphins...

And I did not like it....

I was not in control.

I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head.  I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.

That came back to me on Friday.  I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...

But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....

And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding.  I couldn't get back....

And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to.  "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.

That was even harder.  I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...

And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....

So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.

"You're here... with me.  You don't have to come back till you're ready to."

But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....

And the tears kept coming.  I couldn't come back.  I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.

It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high.  The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time.  And they couldn't handle it.

Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate).  I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.

I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.

The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.

By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down.  We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.

It was nice.....

Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....

It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*

Soothing Egos

Well.... not really....

Not in a bad way...

So I had my awesome crazy fun play date on Friday.  It went amazing.

As I was driving home, I get a call from C.

Apparently none of his texts for about half a day had come through and he wanted to make sure my play date went well and I was ok.

It was very cute.  He checked on me and wanted me to let him know I got home safe.

We chatted and talked all weekend and I know I was pretty out of it recovering.

Today... a little bit of doubt came up in a conversation.

"It sounds like you had a lot of fun on your date... I hope I'm as much fun for you..."

I nipped it in the butt as soon as I could.

I explained how everything/one is different and that I really enjoy exactly what we have together.  That he didn't need to be more hard core 'cause I didn't need it all of the time, just some of the time.

And that he was plenty mean to me.. and that I had photographic evidence of what fun I have with him with me being blissed out of my mind.

That's all it took and he was back to happy, flirty self.

So.... I guess he likes me....  He was all cute and worried that he wasn't mean enough....

But I like him exactly the way he is ;-)

Vignette #3

The hardest part, the most tears, was when I had to fight the lizard brain....

Don't let him do this, it said, fight back...

When fighting that internal fight, I just didn't have the ability to process the pain and ended up sobbing...

Once I could form words, I said what had been going around in my brain...

Well you can tell your lizard brain, he said, that it would never win anyway...

Later (please don't ask me to guess on time), it got intense again.  Instead of saying anything, I just reacted.  It's like all of my martial arts came back to me.  I used a trick to slip one wrist free and started working on the other.

But he's bigger *and* faster than me.... and knew the tricks I was pulling.  I fought back as hard as I could and tried to get away.  I might succeed in getting an arm free, but I was never close to winning.

Eventually the tears came again and the begging.... Please Poppa.... please stop hurting me.... please....

And I slipped again into nothingness....

Vignette #2

Take a look at this video (NSFW of course..... go to about a minute)

I squirt like this....

A lot....

All over the place..... over and over again.

I couldn't stop...

I just had to sit around and let the orgasms flow through me...

And I loved it.

Vignette # 1

I can't think of my play date in any kind of chronological order, so I'll write about things as they come to me....

I'd picked up two venti Mint teas... they'd been sitting there through lots of different things.  

He then told me to go give myself an enema with the liquid.

We were going to play a game: I had to get the enema in..... he had to try and get it out....

My ass was already well used so the mint didn't tingle at all on the way in (or later out) and I took the full thing easily.

I sat on the toilet, he came around the corner with a blow dark thing (I don't know what it was called at all).

And so it began... I tried to keep the enema in while he blew small animal stun caps at my tender bits.....

And So It Happened.....

Weeks of lead up....

A whole week of edging....

And then it happened....

As I lay here covered in bite marks and bruises  the individual acts don't really stick out....

It my brain.... or how it's put itself back together.

As was to be expected I was nervous... I didn't want to be a disappointment.

For the first time in a long time... I reduced to tears.... not really tears... full fledged sobbing...

And not just once....

The first time, I was not ok with being there... I tried to fight my way back... to be normal and put myself back together.

And failed and fell further into the tears.

I had a moment of wishing to be normal... why do I do these things? Why do I let people hurt me?  Why do I end up in tears over it in the end when I wanted it?

With some help... I was able to come back... to put enough pieces together to look at what was going on in my head... that it was ok to be totally gone and just ride the experience...

The next time I was in tears (or was it two or three times later) I was able to relax and let the tears come.  I didn't try to come back to reality too quickly.  I was able to sit in the tears... the empty brain with nothing but release.

I'm not trying to speak it into existence, but I'm guessing I'll have more blogging to write as I continue to process things....

For now, I think I'm going just going to poke my marks and smile at myself....

A Week of Edging

The next couple of posts are kind of back dated... I wrote this one as it happened but am posting it after the play date the edgings were for happened...

Big Poppa and I made the date over a month ago so I’ve had a lot of lead up. Here’s the running note i have running on my phone:

Date with Saynine
July 5th
4pm

5 days (6/30 – 7/4)
6 edgings
4 not at home

Runny mascara

Denim mini Skirt no panties

Red lipstick

Flats ok

Drink 2l water on the drive (still)

No pee breaks

Easy off clothes

Back up comfy clothes

Snacks

Enema kit

Test lipstick on leather

Hot, right??

So it’s Sunday. I’m already crawling up the wall a little bit but at least I’ve got 5 of 6 edgings done.

Edgings: masturbating to the point of orgasming and stopping short.

I’m sure it will only get harder.

I’m not allowed to cum but there is one exception: if another partner I’m playing with allows me to cum.

Of course I play with/date sadists. C is coming over Monday after work. I saw him Thursday before I left. He had less than an hour so he came over and fucked my ass and left. It was totally hot. He’s been appraised of the situation and hasn’t decided if I’m good enough to let me cum. It kind of makes me like him more.

So the edgings so far (oh yea I can’t repeat a location in a day and need to remember them all):

- hotel bathroom
- my bed in the hotel (at like 3am with everyone else passed out).
- the bathroom outside the restaurant in the hotel.
- the airplane bathroom
- my seat on the plane.

Did you know how much airplanes vibrate?!?!?!?!?!?

I’m so excited for Friday and a little bit scared. I feel like maybe I talk too big of a talk and then I’m afraid of failing in the end. But I also need to accept that failing would be good for the dominant: less work for them to do 

– my car parked in my parking lot.

Monday

I started early (12:30am). I nearly threw my hitachi across the room to keep from cumming. I wanted to cum so bad it hurt.

- my bed
- my car in the parking lot
- work bathroom
- starbucks bathroom
- togo’s bathroom

Now I’m laying here and C is coming over soon. He’s going to use me horribly.. and hasn’t decided if he’s going to let me cum or not. The last edging for the night is for him and while I’ve been waiting, I’ve bee reading Saynine’s post of his micro erotica. Dead god I’m climbing up the walls….

C is gone… I’m laying in the wet spot from our fun and am sore all over. He gave me an orgasm… but I didn’t enjoy it for the pleasure…. I was only allowed to cum if he could get his whole fist in me. It hurt… a lot (his hands are huge). But as soon as he said I could, I was cumming all over his fist. It stole the orgasm from me… no gentle crescendo, just spasms around a stiff object and pain leading to being even more horny for the rest of the evening.

- On the floor of my apt, fingered with C’s cock gagging me

Tuesday
- In Bed reading more #FuckToyFriday

Ugh I woke up really sore so I didn’t get any more edging in till after lunch… I kind of bar hopped the dirty slut way…

- Old Pro Bathroom
- Rudy’s Bathroom
- Mallard’s bathroom
- Car parked outside of Mallard’s
- New desk chair

Wednesday

- Shower
- Crepevine Bathroom
- Bed
- Car outside Wicked grounds
- Wicked grounds bathroom
- Cat Club/Bagg bathroom

I came back and a friend said “you weren’t gone long.” It’s not about the time, but about the feeling of wanting to cry from the frustration of not getting to finish. That’s not taking very long these days….

Thursday
- Bed
- Shower
- Car in the parking lot

C came and picked me up. We were planning a vanilla-ish afternoon…. which turned into wild face fucking and watching porn….

- C’s living with while gagging on his cock

We napped and cuddled (he snores… all the guys I date snore) and then went for food…

- 5 guys bathroom

We came back, watched some fireworks, and then were curled up watching Independence Day when he got horny…

I sucked him a bit and then he decided he wanted my ass (he’s totally an ass guy I think).

- C’s bed riding his cock in my ass.

So that’s 30 edgings in 5 days. I’m curled up in bed and can feel my girly bits nearly humming….