Hi all....
It's been a while.
I've been reading again....
Between tumblr and re-reading cheesy romance novels, I've started to see what draws me in and what I seem to be craving....
I wan structure... from the outside, punishments for breaking rules, care, leadership, pain, sex....
The stories have tended towards D/s, M/s, domestic discipline, and 1950s housewives...
Could I do it all the time.... I don't know.... maybe no... maybe it just seems like what I want from the outside...
Or maybe that's the bit inside of me that wants out.....
Showing posts with label Masochist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Masochist. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Monday, December 14, 2015
Relationship Formats...
I can't promise this makes sense.... I'm just trying to get things out of my brain.....
What types of relationship formats do I want and which ones work for me?
I don't really know.... but hence, I'll ramble a bit to see what comes out.
I read a lot of Domestic Discipline porn. Would that work for me? I like parts of it, but I don't think it's me in general. I don't think I could do it *all* the time, but I do like parts of it.
With that in mind, I don't think a 24/7 relationship is what I want either. I'd like to have certain bits of D/s that are always around (a collar, a couple of small protocols), but I don't think I could keep a submissive mindset 24/7.
Do I want a Daddy Dominant? I like that dynamic a little bit, but I'm not a little... but the care-taking part of that is really attractive to me. I like being able to lean a bit on someone on occasion... to take a load off.
On the flip side, I really have been thinking about my like of pain. There's definitely a level of pain that I like just for pain's sake... but I also want to suffer... I want to go beyond that level because someone else wants to enjoy my suffering.
I think that's all that wants to come out of my brain tonight.... but we'll see if more comes out tomorrow.
What types of relationship formats do I want and which ones work for me?
I don't really know.... but hence, I'll ramble a bit to see what comes out.
I read a lot of Domestic Discipline porn. Would that work for me? I like parts of it, but I don't think it's me in general. I don't think I could do it *all* the time, but I do like parts of it.
With that in mind, I don't think a 24/7 relationship is what I want either. I'd like to have certain bits of D/s that are always around (a collar, a couple of small protocols), but I don't think I could keep a submissive mindset 24/7.
Do I want a Daddy Dominant? I like that dynamic a little bit, but I'm not a little... but the care-taking part of that is really attractive to me. I like being able to lean a bit on someone on occasion... to take a load off.
On the flip side, I really have been thinking about my like of pain. There's definitely a level of pain that I like just for pain's sake... but I also want to suffer... I want to go beyond that level because someone else wants to enjoy my suffering.
I think that's all that wants to come out of my brain tonight.... but we'll see if more comes out tomorrow.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
What do I want??
What do I want....
What *do* I want.........
They say you can't go after what you want until you know what it is... so sometimes it's worth it to sit and really think about wants, needs, and desires.
I'm pretty sure that what I'm about to write about is not a need. I'd like to have all of these things, but the world won't end if I don't get them. I'm pretty self sufficient and I like that about me.
So.., we get to wants.....
A friend posted a link to a great article on FetLife, and it's got me thinking (it's quick, take a look. I'm going to write as if you read it).
It really spoke to me... in certain ways.
At 31, I've never lived with a romantic partner. I've never done more than a couple of days away with one. I really like that I like living alone.
Does it mean that I don't want a partner, no, just that I don't want a partner that needs me to be attached to their hip 24/7.
But,it doesn't mean that I only want to be involved in secondary relationships.
I know people try and I don't mean this in a bad way....
But being second all the time fucking sucks.
It's not something I say, because I know what I'm getting into when I sign up for that kind of relationship...
But I'm getting less and less willing to walk into those types of dynamics.
Whether you're married or just married to your job/kids/xbox, I'm only going to be interested if you actually have the time and energy to put into me. The desires I have, especially the kink ones, may not require constant attention, but they do require a depth of commitment and connection, and that's really all I want these days.
I think I could get some pick up play... but I don't know if I want it.
I want to hurt... but I want to hurt to please someone who wants to hurt me... and so I need to please them.
If I don't want to please you, I find that I have little to no pain tolerance right now, that I can't hit sub space from the pain I do get, and that I'm really just annoyed with everything you do.
So what is it that I want?
I was thinking a long distance, D/s relationship sounds perfect: regular texts/calls, quarterly in person visits, some every day rituals and then a higher level of ritual to go into when in person.
Does it have to look like that? Nah, I'm open...
But I feel like that is about the level I need. I don't need to see you every day. I don't know if I'd want to see you more than once a week.
But I need (hmmm is it a need?) a regular connection... something to keep things going even if it's small...
It feels like I'm looking for a lot... but that's ok... I think I'd rather have nothing than something that's only a close approximation of what I want.
What *do* I want.........
They say you can't go after what you want until you know what it is... so sometimes it's worth it to sit and really think about wants, needs, and desires.
I'm pretty sure that what I'm about to write about is not a need. I'd like to have all of these things, but the world won't end if I don't get them. I'm pretty self sufficient and I like that about me.
So.., we get to wants.....
A friend posted a link to a great article on FetLife, and it's got me thinking (it's quick, take a look. I'm going to write as if you read it).
It really spoke to me... in certain ways.
At 31, I've never lived with a romantic partner. I've never done more than a couple of days away with one. I really like that I like living alone.
Does it mean that I don't want a partner, no, just that I don't want a partner that needs me to be attached to their hip 24/7.
But,it doesn't mean that I only want to be involved in secondary relationships.
I know people try and I don't mean this in a bad way....
But being second all the time fucking sucks.
It's not something I say, because I know what I'm getting into when I sign up for that kind of relationship...
But I'm getting less and less willing to walk into those types of dynamics.
Whether you're married or just married to your job/kids/xbox, I'm only going to be interested if you actually have the time and energy to put into me. The desires I have, especially the kink ones, may not require constant attention, but they do require a depth of commitment and connection, and that's really all I want these days.
I think I could get some pick up play... but I don't know if I want it.
I want to hurt... but I want to hurt to please someone who wants to hurt me... and so I need to please them.
If I don't want to please you, I find that I have little to no pain tolerance right now, that I can't hit sub space from the pain I do get, and that I'm really just annoyed with everything you do.
So what is it that I want?
I was thinking a long distance, D/s relationship sounds perfect: regular texts/calls, quarterly in person visits, some every day rituals and then a higher level of ritual to go into when in person.
Does it have to look like that? Nah, I'm open...
But I feel like that is about the level I need. I don't need to see you every day. I don't know if I'd want to see you more than once a week.
But I need (hmmm is it a need?) a regular connection... something to keep things going even if it's small...
It feels like I'm looking for a lot... but that's ok... I think I'd rather have nothing than something that's only a close approximation of what I want.
Friday, May 1, 2015
BDSM Test Results....
== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
97% Masochist
95% Submissive
80% Bondage Receiver
79% Voyeur
70% Primal (Prey)
66% Non-monogamist
63% Degradation Receiver
54% Switch
49% Primal (Predator)
46% Slave
45% Exhibitionist
39% Sadist
38% Vanilla
11% Bondage Giver
10% Dominant
8% Degradation Giver
3% All-Rounder
0% Master/Mistress
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=317385
I'm so not surprised....
When you look at the "top" things.. I come up at predator...
When I do top... I do get that evil gleam in my eye... and it is mostly physical stuff (kicking/punching/etc).
It's interesting to see the bondage stuff creeping higher on the list... that's totally something my mind has been thinking about recently....
I'm pretty convinced that I'm not a slave... I'm really not... and that's ok too...
97% Masochist
95% Submissive
80% Bondage Receiver
79% Voyeur
70% Primal (Prey)
66% Non-monogamist
63% Degradation Receiver
54% Switch
49% Primal (Predator)
46% Slave
45% Exhibitionist
39% Sadist
38% Vanilla
11% Bondage Giver
10% Dominant
8% Degradation Giver
3% All-Rounder
0% Master/Mistress
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=317385
I'm so not surprised....
When you look at the "top" things.. I come up at predator...
When I do top... I do get that evil gleam in my eye... and it is mostly physical stuff (kicking/punching/etc).
It's interesting to see the bondage stuff creeping higher on the list... that's totally something my mind has been thinking about recently....
I'm pretty convinced that I'm not a slave... I'm really not... and that's ok too...
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I want...
Given my sense of self preservation seems to be failing me, I'll go ahead and write out some of the crazy shit in my brain that I'd like done....
- I'd like to be tied up with a large anal hook and tortured.
- I'd like a hitachi tied to my clit and left till I pass out (or red).
- I want to be fucked in the ass with a vibrator in my pussy (I've actually only ever used a hitachi (and externally)).
- I'd like to be fucked while suspended in the air.
- I want to take video/pictures while I'm getting fucked and/or hurt.
- I want an artistic cutting or brand... that bleeds pretty.
- I want to do a lot more painful breast bondage till my tits turn pretty colors.
- I want to get fucked over the hood of a still warm car out alongside a highway.
- I want to get fucked out in the woods.
- I want to get fucked out in the snow.
- I want to sleep curled up in Sir's arms...
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
I don't know...
My English teachers always said the title to a piece sometimes doesn't come until it's written....
There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....
So I don't know seems appropriate.
I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend. I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.
"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked. I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.
"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."
I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist.... Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....
The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....
Everyday, we walk around with masks.... Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything. There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl.... There's the fiercely independent mask. It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.
I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...
But it's kind of a half mask....
It's hiding the masochist...
And I'm not really sure why.........
I know it took me a while to embrace it. I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone. I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....
Well that's not true....
There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....
There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...
There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....
There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...
But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.
She's not the most.....
I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...
But that's not true.
I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing. She knows where yellow is. She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...
It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.
I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....
I remember my very first scene in a public space. I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too. While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down. I'd never been high before off of endorphins...
And I did not like it....
I was not in control.
I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head. I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.
That came back to me on Friday. I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...
But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....
And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding. I couldn't get back....
And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to. "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.
That was even harder. I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...
And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....
So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.
"You're here... with me. You don't have to come back till you're ready to."
But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....
And the tears kept coming. I couldn't come back. I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.
It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high. The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time. And they couldn't handle it.
Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate). I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.
I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.
The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.
By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down. We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.
It was nice.....
Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....
It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*
There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....
So I don't know seems appropriate.
I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend. I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.
"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked. I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.
"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."
I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist.... Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....
The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....
Everyday, we walk around with masks.... Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything. There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl.... There's the fiercely independent mask. It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.
I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...
But it's kind of a half mask....
It's hiding the masochist...
And I'm not really sure why.........
I know it took me a while to embrace it. I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone. I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....
Well that's not true....
There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....
There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...
There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....
There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...
But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.
She's not the most.....
I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...
But that's not true.
I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing. She knows where yellow is. She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...
It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.
I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....
I remember my very first scene in a public space. I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too. While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down. I'd never been high before off of endorphins...
And I did not like it....
I was not in control.
I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head. I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.
That came back to me on Friday. I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...
But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....
And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding. I couldn't get back....
And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to. "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.
That was even harder. I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...
And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....
So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.
"You're here... with me. You don't have to come back till you're ready to."
But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....
And the tears kept coming. I couldn't come back. I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.
It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high. The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time. And they couldn't handle it.
Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate). I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.
I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.
The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.
By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down. We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.
It was nice.....
Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....
It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*
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