Matchmaker Matchmaker.....

If you haven't read, OKCupid changed their messaging system.  Now, your messages doesn't show up unless the guy has already liked your profile.  Otherwise, it shows up only on your profile... you know... if he manages to end up on your profile....

Uhhh....

I don't know lots of guys to go through there liking profiles for fun.

I sent out 10-15 messages one weekend and got no responses.  I don't know if they were read and ignored, or if they were never seen...

So what's a single girl to do?

Well hire a match maker...

Yea.... this is in my head all day now too....

So.....

There's this site Tawkify (not an endorsement.. yet).

I signed up and spent a stupid amount of money for 6 dates...

Well the dates aren't what you're paying for, but the matchmaker.

So I signed up online and then had a pre call.  I talked to an intake woman for 30ish minute last Sunday.  They're trying to get an idea of who you are and what you're looking for and if there's anything crazy that the won't be able to match you.  They've got an 85% success rate but they acknowledge that it's that way because they're picky at this stage. 

After she passed me, my application goes to a screening meeting for my area (meets 3 days a week in the bay area), and with that final approval, I got assigned a matchmaker.

She'll (and mine is a woman) video chat up to 30 guys per date and select one for me to go on a date with.  She'll handle the scheduling of the date and will call us both after to see how it went.  She'll also coach me on what I can do better, take my feedback on what would be better in the guy, and select the next date...

But before all this happens, she and I will have a 1-2 hour video call where she gets to know me and what I want.

All this vulnerability feels like extra therapy sessions.

But dear reader, this is all known...

I'm left with... what do I want.

Some of it is easy... someone I can chat with, babies aren't needed, marriages isn't needed but isn't something I'm horribly against.  SF or SJ are preferred since work and home.  I like my men like big teddy bears.  Taller than me is nice, but at 5'4", not hard.

But..... kink....

How important is the kink (and maybe the poly) part of my life?

Could I date a vanilla guy?

Could I date a vanilla swirl guy (pull my hair during sex)?

I'm kind of asking the universe but I know that the answer is inside me

I really enjoy the ability to connect with people the way I have with M/s.... but maybe there are other ways to connect that would feel ok to me.

I like playing at traditional gender roles... but only playing at them.  I wouldn't that to be real 24/7.

I do like a lot of crazy porn (do you follow my tumblr?).... but maybe that's all it needs to stay at.

I'm sure I'll be writing more on this as my first meeting with the matchmaker happens.

BDSM Test Results....

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
97% Masochist
95% Submissive
80% Bondage Receiver
79% Voyeur
70% Primal (Prey)
66% Non-monogamist
63% Degradation Receiver
54% Switch
49% Primal (Predator)
46% Slave
45% Exhibitionist
39% Sadist
38% Vanilla
11% Bondage Giver
10% Dominant
8% Degradation Giver
3% All-Rounder
0% Master/Mistress
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=317385

I'm so not surprised....

When you look at the "top" things.. I come up at predator...

When I do top... I do get that evil gleam in my eye... and it is mostly physical stuff (kicking/punching/etc).

It's interesting to see the bondage stuff creeping higher on the list... that's totally something my mind has been thinking about recently....

I'm pretty convinced that I'm not a slave... I'm really not... and that's ok too...

Dinner

Yes I went to Disneyland again.  No I don't have a problem :-P

While I was down in LA I finally got to have dinner with a friend/friend's boyfriend who lives in LA.  The food was great but the company was greater.

We were sitting and chatting and, as people in our circles are apt to do, we started discussing our relationship configurations.

"Oh I've got great people I play with and then this one boy that I'm seeing... but he's really busy...  I'd really like to have someone to like watch sports with and cuddle with on (the rare) rainy days."

My friend paused...

"You know you deserve that, right?"

And I stopped.

So he kept going.  "Your new boy... have you gone out on like a date?"

And I sat and thought.... "Well," I started, "we've gone out to eat together."

"Going out pre/post coitus 'cause you need food doesn't count," came the quick reply.

"Oh....."

It's funny to realize these things....

I guess I really do give myself short shift a lot.

***********

And now for something completely different.  We were talking about families and I remarked that I read 50 Shades of Grey after my mom and my aunt read it and were asking me questions.  He had never read it and had a question for me.

Many people talk about how it's unrealistic and how you'll never find a Dom in a couple of days and be collared immediately.

I totally agree with that.... in real life....

But have you read ANY romance novels?  All kinds of non-realistic things happen.

I'm not saying they're good books.  There are all kinds of things wrong with them (mostly the writing is terrible), but they're romance books.... erotic romance books.  I think saying that things happen too quickly, too perfectly for it to be a good book ignores the genre.... THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS!  Do you want to read a romance novel where they date for 5-6 years and then get married... or one where they meet and are friends for 5 years and then go on a date and they maybe have sex?  Nope.... well... not for me at least ;-)

Monogamy and Me

It hasn't taken a full week to process +Mollena Williams's classes from this weekend... but I think some stuff is coming up.

In the playing with strangers class, Mo talked about knowing your needs, wants, and desires.

After some really deep thought, I really think that I get my wants and desires met pretty easily.... but then there are the needs.

It's not that I'm walking around unfulfilled... it's just hat I construct my needs in a way that I'm self sufficient... which makes it hard to "need" anyone else... 'cause damn that makes you vulnerable.

And then I really started looking at my wants....

I realized that I get a lot of wants fulfilled.  If it's about getting beat and/or fucked, it's fulfilled.

But as I age (yea dear reader you can groan about me being nearly 30 and talking about aging) I find that what I'm really looking for now is the other stuff...  I'd like to have a partner to chat with about nonsense, someone to sit at a sports bar and watch a game and goof off.  It's the none sexual relationship stuff that I feel is missing.

Which kind of lead me to the title of the post.  It dawned on me that when it comes to deep, emotional connection, I think I'm monogamous.  Many people clarify their poly.  Lots say they're play poly, i.e. you can play with other people.  A lot of the time, the line for that is drawn between beatings and sensation and sex.

I think I see myself on the other side of that line.  I like sex.  It's awesome.  I like sex with my beatings.

But I don't need to be deeply emotionally involved with the givers of the beatings and the sex.

And I shouldn't.  I mean I am and want to be close dear friends... but there's always a bit I should keep back.

(I've already written the not being clingy posts, right?)

I was thinking about when P and I were together.  I wasn't primary and I was supposed to be dating other people.

But I couldn't.  I loved him and I was his girl and he got all of my emotional energy.  I was ready to make my needs fit into what he could give 'cause I couldn't look for anyone else.  I could meet up with new people for the fucking and the beating... but then I wanted to "go home" to him and tell him about it.

I'm just really getting what that is.  I think I'm emotionally monogamous.  I really like the fucking and the beating with friends.... really close friends.... chosen family.  

But I want one person to be my better half... to come home to and share my day and watch stupid TV and cuddle (and maybe father my children... still thinking about that).

I'm sure more on this topic will be coming soon....

Regency Romance Novels

I have always loved regency romance novels.

As a young kid, my favorite books were Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre.  While both considered classic literature, they're romance novels.

I think it's why I've gotten so into Dickens fair.  I want to go to a ball and wear a fancy dress and dance with fine gentlemen.

The particular series I'm reading totally fits with my life these days.  It's about men who weren't supposed to be lords (2nd sons etc) but due to the large number of deaths in the war have become titled lords.  They all know each other based on their wartime service... as spies... and thus have certain ticks that make them interesting.

They all, one by one, need to get married.  They all fall for unconventional women, most of whom have found themselves caught up in some mystery.

And the women are older...

Ok Older for this time period means like 26... but they're all women who believed themselves old spinsters.

So I just need to find a dark, dangerous man, with a past that he hides from others with a mask I can see through.

Oh My God.... That's my type....

Very very interesting....

Needs and Wants

My apologies to regular readers.... this may sound a bit like a broken record... like I'm complaining but still not doing things about what i'm complaining about.

Well I'm still processing what's missing and till that's done, I won't know what to ask for.

I was looking at all of the relationships I've set up recently.  In all of them, by design, I'm not a primary partner and I'm also not high up on the list of importance.  That's not a bad thing.  I care for the people I'm in relationships with (otherwise, why would I be there?), but it's the way things are set up.

I'm a really good non-primary partner: I made friends with metamours, I abide by all rules that are put out, and I'm careful of everyone's feelings...

Well... not everyone's feelings.

I'm the person who wants something and doesn't ask.  I think it's part of the rule following in my nature.  I enter into a relationship, there are rules, and I abide by them.  I was talking about a want (the particular isn't important) and a friend/partner on the east coast said "well, why don't you ask for it?"  I guess I could ask for it, but really, I feel like I don't have that right.  There were rules, I agreed to them, and I see them in my brain as a dark, wide line.  I've never been the person to think of rules as guidelines.  They're black and white... this is ok... this is not ok...

But is it normal to agree to something and then ask for more than what's in the agreement?  Is it rude to ask?  I mean, the rules are out there, everyone agreed to them.... does that mean they're never up for discussion again?  Is it something you can re-ask after an appropriate time has passed?

Or do you leave things the way they are with that relationship and search for an additional relationship to fill those needs/wants.

I think it also highlights that I do one type of relationship well.  It's a running joke, but yes, I'd be glad to fuck your husband once a month/quarter/year and remain your friend and be an ideal partner.  I really enjoy it (I mean totally vetted, amazing sex).

There's no but on the end of that sentence for a reason... it's not a but statement.  There's no but...

There is an *and* statement though...

I really enjoy it AND I'd like to get some more needs met as well.

I think that's the hardest part of still searching... I'm getting so many wants/needs met... I feel kind of guilty for not making due with the amazing stuff I've got going for me....

Sports

Ok...  I know this is not going to be a popular thing...

But I really like sports.

I mean I'm not that crazy person whose entire house is dedicated to a sports team complete with altar...

But I can have an intelligent conversions about all 4 major US sports and several weird Olympic/International ones.

If I've got nothing to do, and I've got access to a TV with cable, I'm either watching the history/discovery/military channel or some sports channel.

Today I had football on while I masturbated.... twice.  It's just what I do... sports are always on.

When looking to find people to share your life with, I'm shocked that nearly all of my male friends/play partners aren't into sports.  I totally get that it's a stereotype, but I've never dated a guy who knew or cared as much about sports as me.

It's one of the things that makes me think about finding a cute vanilla poly boy to settle down and have babies with....

Yea, I'm not Queer

I'm not....

And that's ok...

I got to go to the Lusty Lady's last day before it closed (tear).  I had a great time.  Chicks are pretty to look at...

But that's about it.

I don't think that this would be anything I'd regularly think about if I didn't live my life the way I do.  I'm kind of painfully heterosexual.

I mean... I don't care what you do... I really don't.... I just don't have any interest in girls.

And apparently that's SHOCKING!

As I roll through the crazy dating world again (OMG so many men are such idiots), the number of times I get asked "So, do you do girls too?" is crazy.

I read a great article that a friend re-blogged recently... and it really got me thinking... am I not into girls 'cause I'm not... or am I not into girls 'cause I so often got approached 'cause, you know, I'm not a real threat to a relationship (or anyone's heterosexuality).

I still think on it... but I really just think it's just me... I'm not into girls... I was never into girls.  I didn't do the college exploration thing... I didn't think hot things about girls....  It's just not me.

And it all makes me feel really uncomfortable.  Not uncomfortable to see two women going at it.  Uncomfortable to be in spaces were it's assumed that I too will engage in said behavior.  I don't go to women's parties.. it's not my thing.  I don't go to women's play spaces.  It's just not my space.  I'm ok with it deep down.. I know it's not for me...

But I get really nervous when people get pushy...

There's a guy I might fuck (that's really all he's good for, I've been told).  He's already on thin ice 'cause I feel like an object.. and not in a fun way.

But his real button pusher is having his gf in the room watching us....

If I had a penis, I think it would go soft every time he asks.  I did the girl thing and said maybe, lol'd in a text, and changed the subject... but it keeps coming back.

Luckily he's not worth anything so if he asks again, I'll say no and if that's not ok, it'll save me the headache of listening to him talk.

But, but back on the market, it's just another thing to wade through along with everything else....

Ok, it's been 26 hours since I took my happy pills... and i'm starting to feel it....

The rest of it...

So I've sat with my blog post and I think I've started to see, at least a little bit, what may be going on.

I'm actually getting an entire set of needs met... and now the secondary needs are making themselves known.

I'm actually getting enough sex....

It's a shock.

I mean I could get more (hello sexual peak) but I don't feel like I'm needing more.

I think what I really want is the non-sexy fun time...

Going out to dinner... being in each other's presence and just "being".... snuggling and reading... Just hanging out.

C is pretty awesome but our schedules are so off sometimes that I get 2 hours with him at a time.... an hour and a half of that being fucking.

I'm not saying I wish I got less fucking, more that I wish I got more time in general.

It would be the nice thing about dating a vanilla boy.. I'd probably get a lot of that stuff even if the sex wasn't 100%....

Off to the salt mines of OKC again to see what I find with my insomnia...

Is there something in the air?

Or a weird phase of the moon?

After I started having all these deep thoughts about the future and relationships, I see some friends starting to firm up what they want and start to look for new partners...

Is it the end of summer/moving into fall?

Is the moon in a funny cycle?

I see it at work too (so it's not something that's only affecting us Kinky folk).

It makes me want to play match maker... both overtly and covertly.  I want people I know to be happy... to find a partner that compliments them and increases their happiness....

But I'd probably freak if my friends tried to set me up.

Another thing that I guess I should get over... if a friend wants to introduce me to someone, I should trust their judgement (if I trust their judgement) and not feel like a charity case.

I know that's not my thought process when I'm looking for other people.

It's also just a skill I have.  I like talking to people.  I hide my shyness in great conversational skills in which the other person feels like we've connected and I've managed to hide in plain sight.

Ok I'm gonna try and sleep again.... my foot (yay stress fracture) is a little more swollen than it has been.  I need to stay off of it more tomorrow :-(

Weddings and Babies

Blogging is going well.... but I think it's still time to find someone professional to talk to as well....

C cam over this afternoon.  He had to be at work at 5am today and 5 am tomorrow (stupid job) so we only had 3 hours.  We fucked like crazy cuddled in bed, and the fucked again.  I'm sore and worn out.

And pretty happy.  It was nice to see him.  But, I don't get the "OMG we should date" vibe from him.

In fact, I just don't feel like he's looking for a big R relationship at all.

And that's ok with me.... like I'm perfectly happy, I think.

It would be nice to have a guy to take to work functions and be able to have him spend the night on occasion and maybe go out on a date and not just fuck.

But I don't really feel like I need that...

Which is a shock.

I don't know if it's me not wanting what I don't have so I don't want it any more (last big R relationship was in college), or if I don't want a big R relationship and all of the wanting of it is just what society has put on me.

I want to get married... I think... Do I?

I thought I did.  I thought I wanted to get married and have 2-3 babies and stay at home till they were in school and then go back to work.

But I'm not really doing anything to move in that direction.

I'm having fun fucking who ever I want.

I'm not really dating guys who are looking to settle down (with me... most of them are already settled down with someone else).

While I want kids, it's not such a huge desire that I'm ready to drop everything and start IVF... or do I think I'd ever do it if I didn't find a partner who wanted to do the whole parenting thing too.

Does that mean I don't really want it?

How much of this stress is just due to logistics? I will hit menopause at some pre-defined date and then no longer have a choice of having kids or not.  If I could always make the decision, maybe I would feel the pressure the same way.

I'm tired now...  I could also feel weird since my body is dealing with weird shit (aka healing this stupid stress fracture).  Work is good but really busy....  Everything is everywhere and my brain isn't helping me figure out everything that's going on.

I'm gonna make HR help me find a new shrink to off load this shit on....

Mental Spoons

Many times I've heard people talk about The Spoon Theory.

It really helped me understand people who fight diseases that look to be fine.....

But tonight it hit me.... I'm one of those people.....

I know a lot of the time people don't think of mental health as a disease the same way, but it is.  I have a chronic deficiency of serotonin.  I've had it since before puberty.  It comes and it goes and it's pretty well controlled with medication and behavior, but I'll pretty much always have it.

I only get so many mental spoons a day.

I've been forgetting that.

I've been acting like I wasn't sick... that I had so many spoons that I could spend them on everything and anything.

But what I was doing was borrowing from the future.

A couple of weeks ago I went into nesting/hermit mode?  I didn't want to do anything and just wanted to be by myself at home....

I'd run out of mental spoons.

I was so on edge that I couldn't deal with anyone else's blow back emotions.  All of my shields were down and I was completely drained.

I spent too many spoons recently... and last night I felt it.  Those demons that I battle when I close my eyes knew I didn't have the spoons to fight them off..... so last night i was up till I really did pass out in bed (I remember seeing 3:23 am but then nothing till my alarm went off).

So why do I write this all out??

To remind myself that it's ok to be selfish with my spoons....  That I don't have an unlimited supply of them... and it's not bad to say no to things or situations to preserve my spoon supply.

Now to fix the deficit...

Entertain me!

It happens more nights than not.

It's 10:30 or 11pm...

And I'm wide awake.

The internet can't entertain me.

There's not anything on (internet) TV.

I stare into nothingness, trying to figure out what's going on.

I could clean.... My apartment is in the state where you're setting up so everything that doesn't have a place is in a pile in the middle of the floor.

I could masturbate... nah that will just make me more awake.

I should hop in the shower... but it's *all the way* across my apartment (maybe 15 steps).

It's just this weird state of.... blah.

Nothing is wrong... but nothing is right.

Someone said a full moon is coming... maybe that's what's going on....

Maybe as 30 approaches, I'm just more aware of coming home to a studio apartment at the end of the day just isn't fulfilling for me.

Growing up, I would have never imagined this.  My parents got married at 25.... engaged senior year of college, married right after my dad graduated from law school.  In hindsight, I didn't really do anything to make that life happen, but I always assumed it would.  I didn't date in college, 'cause I showed up with a boy friend already.  We'd spend summer vacation pretending to be a  newlywed couple and go to open houses in new developments.  We were house shopping at 19 and 20... that was our fun date night activity.

When that ended, I was hurt, but I figured you just get up and move on...

But I guess I just never spent any energy to get back to that future I had imagined for myself.

I know a bunch of people with kids now.  I want kids.... I mean I think I want kids... I've always said I wanted kids.  I have dreams about kids...

But I don't feel like I want it badly enough.  "Oh if you want kids badly," the helpful person says, "you can have them by yourself with science."  Nope.. I don't want them badly enough for that route.  Not that there's anything wrong with that... It's just not something I want.

Which I think, at the heart of it, is the bigger problem...

There just isn't anything I *want* that badly.  Nothing worth moving out of a path where I get up, go to work, pay bill, and keep treading water... nothing to get me out of the rut, no passion to drive me on.

I'm just spinning my wheels....

I want...

Given my sense of self preservation seems to be failing me, I'll go ahead and write out some of the crazy shit in my brain that I'd like done....

• I'd like to be tied up with a large anal hook and tortured.
• I'd like a hitachi tied to my clit and left till I pass out (or red).
• I want to be fucked in the ass with a vibrator in my pussy (I've actually only ever used a hitachi (and externally)).
• I'd like to be fucked while suspended in the air.
• I want to take video/pictures while I'm getting fucked and/or hurt.
• I want an artistic cutting or brand... that bleeds pretty.
• I want to do a lot more painful breast bondage till my tits turn pretty colors.
• I want to get fucked over the hood of a still warm car out alongside a highway.
• I want to get fucked out in the woods.
• I want to get fucked out in the snow.
• I want to sleep curled up in Sir's arms...

Clingy

I'm afraid of being clingy...

Like really afraid.

No one has ever said that I was clingy.... but it's probably my biggest poly/general relationship fear.

I had my first boyfriend at nearly 18.  Late bloomer would imply that I wasn't thinking about boys.  I had been *man* crazy since I was 10 and ready erotica since about then.

I was nerd and I was chubby... but I was also one of the guys.  They didn't stop their conversations when I came around like they did with the other girls.  I was better at math and engineering than they were and could talk sports and action movies.  They couldn't date me.... that would be weird.

My first (and only) vanilla relationship was long distance from the start.  He was a year older and already at college, so I had the holiday/summer boyfriend.... for 3.5 years.

I think we did pretty well for long distance.  I was that girl in the hallway on the phone with her boyfriend most nights, but we talked about everything from his latest race (he was on the crew team) to how the hometown sports teams were doing.  I was the perfect girl... I did what he wanted before he could even ask for it.

But then he fell out of love with me....

This is all to say that I never really got to practice *being* with someone... I never got over NRE and then settled into a nice comfy "we're together" stage... I've never done that.

And I'm scared I don't know how.

Fast forward 6 months of celibacy and 6 months of saying yes to every guy who wanted me because, oh, a boy wants me...

Bringing a fear of clingy into poly probably wasn't the smartest thing I ever did.  I quickly got a reputation for being a great poly partner.  Female friends of mine thought I was great to date their husbands/boyfriends, 'cause they knew I'd respect all of the boundaries.

But I wasn't really getting all of my needs met....

I was so scared of being a bad poly partner, of over stepping my boundaries, that I nearly became a shell of myself.  I couldn't let anyone in.. 'cause if I did and the I actually relied or needed them or something, they'd run away.  And then I wouldn't be able to function without them.. better to not need anyone and always be self sufficient and be able to walk at a moment's notice.

I'm not saying it makes sense... just how my mind operated.

Then I dated P....  I was still pretty bad.  I'd be afraid to call mid sub drop after a crazy intense scene for fear of being clingy/an inconvenience.  I mean, we'd play Friday or Saturday and if I was going to drop, it would be Monday and that's *way* far removed from the play.

He eventually got tired of the clingy fear.  It's one of the nice things of being submissive, is some things can be ordered/taken away.  He put himself in charge of the "clingy" meter.... He promised to tell me if I was getting clingy and I promised to not feel like I was asking for too much until he told me....

He never told me I was being clingy....

Fast forward again and I have an amazing play date on Friday.....  I know my pattern.... Monday is going to be the day I drop, if I drop.

But I didn't feel bad on Monday... things were going well.....

But I wanted to call him... to text.... to bask in his presence....

And the fear came up.

Oh fuck I'm getting attached... I'm not supposed to be... I should be ok and not needing anything....

Sub drop by way of a fear of being clingy is a new one, even for me.

Last night I wrote about masks.... and as I was processing it all, the clingy came back...  So I said something.  I said I had a problem with being clingy and that I think I was over compensating and thus not expressing accurate needs....

Well... that's not exactly true.  Logically, from an outsider's perspective, I'm not clingy.  I never really have been.  But I guess I'm so afraid of it that the desire to see someone again, while the bruises are fresh and I haven't really come down, sends me into a panic that I'm doing something wrong....

Not sure how to fix it yet... I now know that I want to.... but I'm not sure where to head now...

On the flip side... I really have been liking the attention C has been paying me.... but I was afraid *he* was being clingy.  Now that I look at it... it wasn't a fear of clingy... it was a fear that he was clingy and I wasn't supposed to like it.  I like when he texts or calls or IMs or when he see s a cute Disney Toy and thinks of me....

But those are the things that I would do if I wasn't afraid of being clingy.. and since people don't like clingy, then I should be upset that he does them......

I gotta say blogging is way cheaper than therapy.... but crying in front of my lap top seems a bit sillier than crying in my therapist's office........

I don't know...

My English teachers always said the title to a piece sometimes doesn't come until it's written....

There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....

So I don't know seems appropriate.

I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend.  I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.

"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked.  I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.

"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."

I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist....  Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....

The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....

Everyday, we walk around with masks....  Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything.  There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl....  There's the fiercely independent mask.  It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.

I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...

But it's kind of a half mask....

It's hiding the masochist...

And I'm not really sure why.........

I know it took me a while to embrace it.  I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone.  I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....

Well that's not true....

There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....

There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...

There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....

There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...

But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.

She's not the most.....

I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...

But that's not true.

I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing.  She knows where yellow is.  She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...

It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.

I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....

I remember my very first scene in a public space.  I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too.  While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down.  I'd never been high before off of endorphins...

And I did not like it....

I was not in control.

I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head.  I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.

That came back to me on Friday.  I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...

But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....

And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding.  I couldn't get back....

And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to.  "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.

That was even harder.  I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...

And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....

So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.

"You're here... with me.  You don't have to come back till you're ready to."

But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....

And the tears kept coming.  I couldn't come back.  I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.

It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high.  The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time.  And they couldn't handle it.

Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate).  I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.

I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.

The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.

By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down.  We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.

It was nice.....

Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....

It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*