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I nearly cried on the train on the way to the airport.

It was Sunday afternoon.  I was up till nearly 5am local time working.  I forgot me anti-depressants and even though it was after 2pm, I hadn't had any food yet.

And I missed my mommy.

It was a whirlwind visit.  I hadn't been home since Christmas.  I saw my high school friends, my dad's family, my mom's family, and my brother and his girlfriend.

I spent a day with my sister and helped her prep for her new puppy.

I feel like I'm missing out.

I've lived in CA for 9 years this month.  I moved out for grad school and just never went back east.

I have a decent job that pays me well and a good group of friends.

But that's all that I've got out here.  If I look at my family (closer than second cousin), after me, the furthest west person are in DC (it is further west than Boston).  Family is really important to me.  I talk to my mom nearly every day (6 out of 7 I'd guess).

So what do I do?

I know my depression is acting up (yay, we might up my meds again) and I'm hoping I'm ovulating...

But maybe I have to start examining what a move back to the east coast would look like...

Mental Spoons

Many times I've heard people talk about The Spoon Theory.

It really helped me understand people who fight diseases that look to be fine.....

But tonight it hit me.... I'm one of those people.....

I know a lot of the time people don't think of mental health as a disease the same way, but it is.  I have a chronic deficiency of serotonin.  I've had it since before puberty.  It comes and it goes and it's pretty well controlled with medication and behavior, but I'll pretty much always have it.

I only get so many mental spoons a day.

I've been forgetting that.

I've been acting like I wasn't sick... that I had so many spoons that I could spend them on everything and anything.

But what I was doing was borrowing from the future.

A couple of weeks ago I went into nesting/hermit mode?  I didn't want to do anything and just wanted to be by myself at home....

I'd run out of mental spoons.

I was so on edge that I couldn't deal with anyone else's blow back emotions.  All of my shields were down and I was completely drained.

I spent too many spoons recently... and last night I felt it.  Those demons that I battle when I close my eyes knew I didn't have the spoons to fight them off..... so last night i was up till I really did pass out in bed (I remember seeing 3:23 am but then nothing till my alarm went off).

So why do I write this all out??

To remind myself that it's ok to be selfish with my spoons....  That I don't have an unlimited supply of them... and it's not bad to say no to things or situations to preserve my spoon supply.

Now to fix the deficit...