My apologies to regular readers.... this may sound a bit like a broken record... like I'm complaining but still not doing things about what i'm complaining about.
Well I'm still processing what's missing and till that's done, I won't know what to ask for.
I was looking at all of the relationships I've set up recently. In all of them, by design, I'm not a primary partner and I'm also not high up on the list of importance. That's not a bad thing. I care for the people I'm in relationships with (otherwise, why would I be there?), but it's the way things are set up.
I'm a really good non-primary partner: I made friends with metamours, I abide by all rules that are put out, and I'm careful of everyone's feelings...
Well... not everyone's feelings.
I'm the person who wants something and doesn't ask. I think it's part of the rule following in my nature. I enter into a relationship, there are rules, and I abide by them. I was talking about a want (the particular isn't important) and a friend/partner on the east coast said "well, why don't you ask for it?" I guess I could ask for it, but really, I feel like I don't have that right. There were rules, I agreed to them, and I see them in my brain as a dark, wide line. I've never been the person to think of rules as guidelines. They're black and white... this is ok... this is not ok...
But is it normal to agree to something and then ask for more than what's in the agreement? Is it rude to ask? I mean, the rules are out there, everyone agreed to them.... does that mean they're never up for discussion again? Is it something you can re-ask after an appropriate time has passed?
Or do you leave things the way they are with that relationship and search for an additional relationship to fill those needs/wants.
I think it also highlights that I do one type of relationship well. It's a running joke, but yes, I'd be glad to fuck your husband once a month/quarter/year and remain your friend and be an ideal partner. I really enjoy it (I mean totally vetted, amazing sex).
There's no but on the end of that sentence for a reason... it's not a but statement. There's no but...
There is an *and* statement though...
I really enjoy it AND I'd like to get some more needs met as well.
I think that's the hardest part of still searching... I'm getting so many wants/needs met... I feel kind of guilty for not making due with the amazing stuff I've got going for me....
Showing posts with label Play Dates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Play Dates. Show all posts
Monday, September 9, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
I don't know...
My English teachers always said the title to a piece sometimes doesn't come until it's written....
There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....
So I don't know seems appropriate.
I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend. I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.
"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked. I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.
"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."
I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist.... Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....
The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....
Everyday, we walk around with masks.... Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything. There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl.... There's the fiercely independent mask. It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.
I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...
But it's kind of a half mask....
It's hiding the masochist...
And I'm not really sure why.........
I know it took me a while to embrace it. I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone. I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....
Well that's not true....
There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....
There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...
There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....
There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...
But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.
She's not the most.....
I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...
But that's not true.
I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing. She knows where yellow is. She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...
It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.
I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....
I remember my very first scene in a public space. I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too. While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down. I'd never been high before off of endorphins...
And I did not like it....
I was not in control.
I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head. I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.
That came back to me on Friday. I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...
But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....
And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding. I couldn't get back....
And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to. "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.
That was even harder. I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...
And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....
So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.
"You're here... with me. You don't have to come back till you're ready to."
But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....
And the tears kept coming. I couldn't come back. I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.
It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high. The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time. And they couldn't handle it.
Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate). I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.
I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.
The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.
By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down. We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.
It was nice.....
Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....
It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*
There's something in my brain and I'm sitting down here to blog hoping it will come out.... but I can't start to write without a title....
So I don't know seems appropriate.
I got to have dinner with J this evening and tell her all of my great happenings of last weekend. I was again struck how what stuck with me was feelings and emotions, not actual activities.
"Wow he seems intense for you," J remarked. I looked up from my sushi with a confused look on my face.
"Not that I believe you, but you do go on about how you're not a masochist sometimes."
I really had to think about it... Yea that was a line I hid behind for a long time... I'm not a masochist.... Well so-and-so is a masochist, not me....
The masochist.... she's behind the last mask.....
Everyday, we walk around with masks.... Not necessarily 'cause we're hiding stuff, but because not everyone needs to see everything. There's the work mask that keeps me one of the guys without weirding anyone out that i'm a *gasp* girl.... There's the fiercely independent mask. It's not that I'm not capable and independent... but sometimes you have to pretend to be more than you are.
I used to think that the submissive wasn't a mask... that that was underneath all the masks and being protected by masks...
But it's kind of a half mask....
It's hiding the masochist...
And I'm not really sure why.........
I know it took me a while to embrace it. I wasn't the person who could take anything from anyone. I wasn't the one who would take that really mean implement and beg for more....
Well that's not true....
There was an aluminum baseball bat... a cattle prod to the clit..... and recently some new mean things....
There was that time I giggled when a sharp knife was held to my eye and a hand tightly wrapped around my throat...
There was the moving into a hand, increasing the pressure and pain on my body just so much....
There was the inability to stop orgasms once the pain started to roll through my body...
But I'm still scared to drop the mask and let her out.
She's not the most.....
I was going to say that she's not the most careful... that she might let us go too far to where we couldn't come back...
But that's not true.
I think the masochist knows exactly what she's doing. She knows where yellow is. She knows when she can come out and play and when she needs to stay hidden...
It's the rest of the masks that get in the fucking way.
I can drop most of the masks pretty easily these days... but when I try to get to that masochist... to go beyond just being the submissive, it's like they come flying back trying to get into place....
I remember my very first scene in a public space. I played with my dear friend T and his girl K was there too. While T cleaned up, K sat with me while I was coming down. I'd never been high before off of endorphins...
And I did not like it....
I was not in control.
I remember shaking my head like a dog who's got water it its ear like I was trying to get the cobwebs out of my head. I needed to be better RIGHT THEN.
That came back to me on Friday. I'd called yellow... it was needed and I didn't (thank god) feel bad about it...
But then I was ready to be done... I needed to be back in my head... I needed to put all the pieces back together....
And the more I forced it... the further away it all got.... and I started to lose my grounding. I couldn't get back....
And I wasn't going to ask for help until I was forced to. "What's in your head..... tell me" he said when he saw me having issues.
That was even harder. I needed to pull it together, quickly, and goddamn it I'm not going to ask for help...
And the pieces spread out further and further away from me.....
So I grabbed the life preserver that had been thrown out for me.
"You're here... with me. You don't have to come back till you're ready to."
But I wanted to come back RIGHT NOW.....
And the tears kept coming. I couldn't come back. I couldn't touch the ground... I was still stuck up in the tree.
It's 'cause I didn't want to come back.... The masochist was loving the feeling... riding the endorphin high. The rest of the masks hadn't been put away for that long (it wasn't that long) in a long time. And they couldn't handle it.
Once I stopped fighting (and ate a little chocolate). I eventually was able to find the ground... with assistance.
I had to stop fighting... as long as what I really REALLY wanted to do was come down, I couldn't even figure out which way down was.
The 2nd time I found that high was a little less scary... I knew I had a grounding partner and that it was ok.
By the 3rd time, I was down so quickly and naturally, I don't remember an troubles... I went up... it was amazing... I came down.... when I did... not thoughts of how long it was taking or that I was coming down. We both noticed how quickly it happened when I didn't fight... when I just *was*.
It was nice.....
Ok.. I'm going to post this with no edits... and then re-read it later....
It's funny... write about the masochist... the crazy things I've done that were really intense... made me fucking horny *blush*
Monday, July 8, 2013
Vignette #3
The hardest part, the most tears, was when I had to fight the lizard brain....
Don't let him do this, it said, fight back...
When fighting that internal fight, I just didn't have the ability to process the pain and ended up sobbing...
Once I could form words, I said what had been going around in my brain...
Well you can tell your lizard brain, he said, that it would never win anyway...
Later (please don't ask me to guess on time), it got intense again. Instead of saying anything, I just reacted. It's like all of my martial arts came back to me. I used a trick to slip one wrist free and started working on the other.
But he's bigger *and* faster than me.... and knew the tricks I was pulling. I fought back as hard as I could and tried to get away. I might succeed in getting an arm free, but I was never close to winning.
Eventually the tears came again and the begging.... Please Poppa.... please stop hurting me.... please....
And I slipped again into nothingness....
Don't let him do this, it said, fight back...
When fighting that internal fight, I just didn't have the ability to process the pain and ended up sobbing...
Once I could form words, I said what had been going around in my brain...
Well you can tell your lizard brain, he said, that it would never win anyway...
Later (please don't ask me to guess on time), it got intense again. Instead of saying anything, I just reacted. It's like all of my martial arts came back to me. I used a trick to slip one wrist free and started working on the other.
But he's bigger *and* faster than me.... and knew the tricks I was pulling. I fought back as hard as I could and tried to get away. I might succeed in getting an arm free, but I was never close to winning.
Eventually the tears came again and the begging.... Please Poppa.... please stop hurting me.... please....
And I slipped again into nothingness....
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Vignette #2
Take a look at this video (NSFW of course..... go to about a minute)
I squirt like this....
A lot....
All over the place..... over and over again.
I couldn't stop...
I just had to sit around and let the orgasms flow through me...
And I loved it.
I squirt like this....
A lot....
All over the place..... over and over again.
I couldn't stop...
I just had to sit around and let the orgasms flow through me...
And I loved it.
Vignette # 1
I can't think of my play date in any kind of chronological order, so I'll write about things as they come to me....
I'd picked up two venti Mint teas... they'd been sitting there through lots of different things.
He then told me to go give myself an enema with the liquid.
We were going to play a game: I had to get the enema in..... he had to try and get it out....
My ass was already well used so the mint didn't tingle at all on the way in (or later out) and I took the full thing easily.
I sat on the toilet, he came around the corner with a blow dark thing (I don't know what it was called at all).
And so it began... I tried to keep the enema in while he blew small animal stun caps at my tender bits.....
Saturday, July 6, 2013
And So It Happened.....
Weeks of lead up....
A whole week of edging....
And then it happened....
As I lay here covered in bite marks and bruises the individual acts don't really stick out....
It my brain.... or how it's put itself back together.
As was to be expected I was nervous... I didn't want to be a disappointment.
For the first time in a long time... I reduced to tears.... not really tears... full fledged sobbing...
And not just once....
The first time, I was not ok with being there... I tried to fight my way back... to be normal and put myself back together.
And failed and fell further into the tears.
I had a moment of wishing to be normal... why do I do these things? Why do I let people hurt me? Why do I end up in tears over it in the end when I wanted it?
With some help... I was able to come back... to put enough pieces together to look at what was going on in my head... that it was ok to be totally gone and just ride the experience...
The next time I was in tears (or was it two or three times later) I was able to relax and let the tears come. I didn't try to come back to reality too quickly. I was able to sit in the tears... the empty brain with nothing but release.
I'm not trying to speak it into existence, but I'm guessing I'll have more blogging to write as I continue to process things....
For now, I think I'm going just going to poke my marks and smile at myself....
A whole week of edging....
And then it happened....
As I lay here covered in bite marks and bruises the individual acts don't really stick out....
It my brain.... or how it's put itself back together.
As was to be expected I was nervous... I didn't want to be a disappointment.
For the first time in a long time... I reduced to tears.... not really tears... full fledged sobbing...
And not just once....
The first time, I was not ok with being there... I tried to fight my way back... to be normal and put myself back together.
And failed and fell further into the tears.
I had a moment of wishing to be normal... why do I do these things? Why do I let people hurt me? Why do I end up in tears over it in the end when I wanted it?
With some help... I was able to come back... to put enough pieces together to look at what was going on in my head... that it was ok to be totally gone and just ride the experience...
The next time I was in tears (or was it two or three times later) I was able to relax and let the tears come. I didn't try to come back to reality too quickly. I was able to sit in the tears... the empty brain with nothing but release.
I'm not trying to speak it into existence, but I'm guessing I'll have more blogging to write as I continue to process things....
For now, I think I'm going just going to poke my marks and smile at myself....
A Week of Edging
The next couple of posts are kind of back dated... I wrote this one as it happened but am posting it after the play date the edgings were for happened...
Big Poppa and I made the date over a month ago so I’ve had a lot of lead up. Here’s the running note i have running on my phone:
Date with Saynine
July 5th
4pm5 days (6/30 – 7/4)
6 edgings
4 not at homeRunny mascaraDenim mini Skirt no pantiesRed lipstickFlats okDrink 2l water on the drive (still)No pee breaksEasy off clothesBack up comfy clothesSnacksEnema kitTest lipstick on leather
Hot, right??
So it’s Sunday. I’m already crawling up the wall a little bit but at least I’ve got 5 of 6 edgings done.
Edgings: masturbating to the point of orgasming and stopping short.
I’m sure it will only get harder.
I’m not allowed to cum but there is one exception: if another partner I’m playing with allows me to cum.
Of course I play with/date sadists. C is coming over Monday after work. I saw him Thursday before I left. He had less than an hour so he came over and fucked my ass and left. It was totally hot. He’s been appraised of the situation and hasn’t decided if I’m good enough to let me cum. It kind of makes me like him more.
So the edgings so far (oh yea I can’t repeat a location in a day and need to remember them all):
- hotel bathroom
- my bed in the hotel (at like 3am with everyone else passed out).
- the bathroom outside the restaurant in the hotel.
- the airplane bathroom
- my seat on the plane.
- my bed in the hotel (at like 3am with everyone else passed out).
- the bathroom outside the restaurant in the hotel.
- the airplane bathroom
- my seat on the plane.
Did you know how much airplanes vibrate?!?!?!?!?!?
I’m so excited for Friday and a little bit scared. I feel like maybe I talk too big of a talk and then I’m afraid of failing in the end. But I also need to accept that failing would be good for the dominant: less work for them to do 
– my car parked in my parking lot.
Monday
I started early (12:30am). I nearly threw my hitachi across the room to keep from cumming. I wanted to cum so bad it hurt.
- my bed
- my car in the parking lot
- work bathroom
- starbucks bathroom
- togo’s bathroom
- my car in the parking lot
- work bathroom
- starbucks bathroom
- togo’s bathroom
Now I’m laying here and C is coming over soon. He’s going to use me horribly.. and hasn’t decided if he’s going to let me cum or not. The last edging for the night is for him and while I’ve been waiting, I’ve bee reading Saynine’s post of his micro erotica. Dead god I’m climbing up the walls….
C is gone… I’m laying in the wet spot from our fun and am sore all over. He gave me an orgasm… but I didn’t enjoy it for the pleasure…. I was only allowed to cum if he could get his whole fist in me. It hurt… a lot (his hands are huge). But as soon as he said I could, I was cumming all over his fist. It stole the orgasm from me… no gentle crescendo, just spasms around a stiff object and pain leading to being even more horny for the rest of the evening.
- On the floor of my apt, fingered with C’s cock gagging me
Tuesday
- In Bed reading more #FuckToyFriday
- In Bed reading more #FuckToyFriday
Ugh I woke up really sore so I didn’t get any more edging in till after lunch… I kind of bar hopped the dirty slut way…
- Old Pro Bathroom
- Rudy’s Bathroom
- Mallard’s bathroom
- Car parked outside of Mallard’s
- New desk chair
- Rudy’s Bathroom
- Mallard’s bathroom
- Car parked outside of Mallard’s
- New desk chair
Wednesday
- Shower
- Crepevine Bathroom
- Bed
- Car outside Wicked grounds
- Wicked grounds bathroom
- Cat Club/Bagg bathroom
I came back and a friend said “you weren’t gone long.” It’s not about the time, but about the feeling of wanting to cry from the frustration of not getting to finish. That’s not taking very long these days….
Thursday
- Bed
- Shower
- Car in the parking lot
- Bed
- Shower
- Car in the parking lot
C came and picked me up. We were planning a vanilla-ish afternoon…. which turned into wild face fucking and watching porn….
- C’s living with while gagging on his cock
We napped and cuddled (he snores… all the guys I date snore) and then went for food…
- 5 guys bathroom
We came back, watched some fireworks, and then were curled up watching Independence Day when he got horny…
I sucked him a bit and then he decided he wanted my ass (he’s totally an ass guy I think).
- C’s bed riding his cock in my ass.
So that’s 30 edgings in 5 days. I’m curled up in bed and can feel my girly bits nearly humming….
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