Matchmaker Matchmaker.....

If you haven't read, OKCupid changed their messaging system.  Now, your messages doesn't show up unless the guy has already liked your profile.  Otherwise, it shows up only on your profile... you know... if he manages to end up on your profile....

Uhhh....

I don't know lots of guys to go through there liking profiles for fun.

I sent out 10-15 messages one weekend and got no responses.  I don't know if they were read and ignored, or if they were never seen...

So what's a single girl to do?

Well hire a match maker...

Yea.... this is in my head all day now too....

So.....

There's this site Tawkify (not an endorsement.. yet).

I signed up and spent a stupid amount of money for 6 dates...

Well the dates aren't what you're paying for, but the matchmaker.

So I signed up online and then had a pre call.  I talked to an intake woman for 30ish minute last Sunday.  They're trying to get an idea of who you are and what you're looking for and if there's anything crazy that the won't be able to match you.  They've got an 85% success rate but they acknowledge that it's that way because they're picky at this stage. 

After she passed me, my application goes to a screening meeting for my area (meets 3 days a week in the bay area), and with that final approval, I got assigned a matchmaker.

She'll (and mine is a woman) video chat up to 30 guys per date and select one for me to go on a date with.  She'll handle the scheduling of the date and will call us both after to see how it went.  She'll also coach me on what I can do better, take my feedback on what would be better in the guy, and select the next date...

But before all this happens, she and I will have a 1-2 hour video call where she gets to know me and what I want.

All this vulnerability feels like extra therapy sessions.

But dear reader, this is all known...

I'm left with... what do I want.

Some of it is easy... someone I can chat with, babies aren't needed, marriages isn't needed but isn't something I'm horribly against.  SF or SJ are preferred since work and home.  I like my men like big teddy bears.  Taller than me is nice, but at 5'4", not hard.

But..... kink....

How important is the kink (and maybe the poly) part of my life?

Could I date a vanilla guy?

Could I date a vanilla swirl guy (pull my hair during sex)?

I'm kind of asking the universe but I know that the answer is inside me

I really enjoy the ability to connect with people the way I have with M/s.... but maybe there are other ways to connect that would feel ok to me.

I like playing at traditional gender roles... but only playing at them.  I wouldn't that to be real 24/7.

I do like a lot of crazy porn (do you follow my tumblr?).... but maybe that's all it needs to stay at.

I'm sure I'll be writing more on this as my first meeting with the matchmaker happens.

It's ok...

... to want to rely on someone some of the time.....

I had a rough September.  3 different car issues totally nearly $1k.  Work was in flux (just a move, but still, stress), pollen count was so high I couldn't run outside/train for my 10k, move at work meant no yoga.

I got to therapy on Friday (OMG, totally worth the $20 per visit) and I was wiped out.  I felt like I'd been wound up so tight and couldn't calm down.

After outlining with a calendar all the things going on, she really got that I was exhausted.

One of the things that came up was how alone I felt.  I was able to weather the storm... I was able to deal with all the things....

But I also didn't have a choice but to deal.

I'm feeling a little financially unstable... mostly because the car stuff bit into my cushion (glad I had that cushion).

Wouldn't it be nice, my shrink said, if there was someone else's cushion that you could lean on for a while.  If someone could make you dinner if you had a rough day.  If you cooked dinner and someone else did the dishes.

None of this is stuff I *can't* do... it would just be nice to not have to do it... to be taken care of a little bit.

It makes sense with my fantasy life.  As I get more into hypnosis, dollification, and bimboification, the common thread is giving up control.... but more than just control, giving up un-directed action.

As a submissive, I really like taking care of people.  I had brunch with an ex who I'm still friends with and I still remembered he wouldn't want a straw for his drink and I set out napkins and water glasses for us... I just do that.  I like to take care of people.

But the new fetishes....  I don't do anything.  I'm blank.  I'm a canvas that someone else is writing on.

It makes sense... I need a break from doing all the things and just getting to be.

Oh yea... I blog......

Oh... hi blog!

It's been a while (months).

For more day to day smut, I do have a tumblr now.  I also have an alt tumblr for my more political rantings.

So why am I here?

'Cause sometimes I want to write to you dear readers and not the crazy people on the internet who only like me for the pictures of my boobs (not that you're not allowed to like my boobs too).

As a brief aside... I'm mostly ok right now.  I stick my head out into the world regularly, but it's soo tiring... so overwhelming....

But I am reading and following... and judging people based on what I'm reading and following....

My heart is pretty heavy sometimes :-(

But that's not why I wanted to blog today.....

There's a boy (ok I know, it's me, there's always a boy).

We've hung out at several events/munches/dinner parties and have had one solo date so far.  In total, we've probably talked, in person, for over 6 hours (maybe closer to 7).

Everything sounds great, right?

Well.... we haven't kissed....

For lack of a better understanding... I'm always shocked to not end up in bed with a guy on the first or second date or at least I'm naked and being beaten.

I guess the fear then is... omg am I just a friend?   Is this going no place?

But I'm having fun, I really am.  I gabbed for 4 hours (9:30pm - 1:30am) at a dive bar (great people watching).

And he's not been feeling well recently but still wanted to hang out... so he's making an effort.

Did I mention I'm having fun?

Maybe... just maybe... this is what dating is....

Nearly all of my boyfriends were friends first... we didn't have to do this stage, I'd known them for years.  Is this how this is supposed to go?

We've hugged... I really like hugging him....

And, from the outside, I'm pretty sure he likes me.  We were hanging at a munch (chatted for at least 3 hours that night) and the next day a friend who was not in the know asked me about the guy who was so obviously into me...

Soooooooooooooo

Yea... I should probably just go to sleep now and stop worrying.... but I bet some of my friends are about to have their mid-night wake ups and will distract me for a bit....

I'm just so not used to.... initiating?  I don't know if that's the right word...

A guy is interested and if I'm not opposed, I follow his lead.... I don't know how to open the door widely enough that they a) see that it's open and b) walk through it....

Damn using my words is scary and makes me vulnerable.....


Ahhhhhhhhh

Dating as Job Hunting

We had a great speaker from Paradigm IQ come to work and speak about unconscious bias.

One of the things she said was that, on average, a woman will only apply to a job if she meets 100% of the qualifications but a man will apply if he meets 60% of the qualifications.

All of a sudden, while I flip through OKC, this fact came back to me.

I should reach out to guys who I might not match 100%.... they'll message me if they think they meet 60% of what I say.... and yea, it's good to list lots of "requirements" (as someone who dates men).  The more I list, the more things they'll need to match to hit 60%.....

Relationship Formats...

I can't promise this makes sense.... I'm just trying to get things out of my brain.....

What types of relationship formats do I want and which ones work for me?

I don't really know.... but hence, I'll ramble a bit to see what comes out.

I read a lot of Domestic Discipline porn.  Would that work for me?  I like parts of it, but I don't think it's me in general.  I don't think I could do it *all* the time, but I do like parts of it.

With that in mind, I don't think a 24/7 relationship is what I want either.  I'd like to have certain bits of D/s that are always around (a collar, a couple of small protocols), but I don't think I could keep a submissive mindset 24/7.

Do I want a Daddy Dominant?  I like that dynamic a little bit, but I'm not a little... but the care-taking part of that is really attractive to me.  I like being able to lean a bit on someone on occasion... to take a load off.

On the flip side, I really have been thinking about my like of pain.  There's definitely a level of pain that I like just for pain's sake... but I also want to suffer... I want to go beyond that level because someone else wants to enjoy my suffering.

I think that's all that wants to come out of my brain tonight.... but we'll see if more comes out tomorrow.

What do I want??

What do I want....

What *do* I want.........

They say you can't go after what you want until you know what it is... so sometimes it's worth it to sit and really think about wants, needs, and desires.

I'm pretty sure that what I'm about to write about is not a need.  I'd like to have all of these things, but the world won't end if I don't get them.  I'm pretty self sufficient and I like that about me.

So.., we get to wants.....

A friend posted a link to a great article on FetLife, and it's got me thinking (it's quick, take a look.  I'm going to write as if you read it).

It really spoke to me... in certain ways.

At 31, I've never lived with a romantic partner.  I've never done more than a couple of days away with one.  I really like that I like living alone.

Does it mean that I don't want a partner, no, just that I don't want a partner that needs me to be attached to their hip 24/7.

But,it doesn't mean that I only want to be involved in secondary relationships.

I know people try and I don't mean this in a bad way....

But being second all the time fucking sucks.

It's not something I say, because I know what I'm getting into when I sign up for that kind of relationship...

But I'm getting less and less willing to walk into those types of dynamics.

Whether you're married or just married to your job/kids/xbox, I'm only going to be interested if you actually have the time and energy to put into me.  The desires I have, especially the kink ones, may not require constant attention, but they do require a depth of commitment and connection, and that's really all I want these days.

I think I could get some pick up play... but I don't know if I want it.

I want to hurt... but I want to hurt to please someone who wants to hurt me... and so I need to please them.

If I don't want to please you, I find that I have little to no pain tolerance right now, that I can't hit sub space from the pain I do get, and that I'm really just annoyed with everything you do.

So what is it that I want?

I was thinking a long distance, D/s relationship sounds perfect: regular texts/calls, quarterly in person visits, some every day rituals and then a higher level of ritual to go into when in person.

Does it have to look like that?  Nah, I'm open...

But I feel like that is about the level I need.  I don't need to see you every day.  I don't know if I'd want to see you more than once a week.

But I need (hmmm is it a need?) a regular connection... something to keep things going even if it's small...

It feels like I'm looking for a lot... but that's ok... I think I'd rather have nothing than something that's only a close approximation of what I want.

Race and Dating

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