I saw that smile

I looked good. I mean I thought I looked good. 

I'd seen some appreciative glances too so I was pretty sure I looked good. 

Then he got in the elevator. 

And I knew I looked good. 

It was reflected in his eyes. The once over, the gaze that went from head to toe  was intoxicating. 

But I knew who he was. 

And I knew I was his type. 

We were going to the same event. The elevator dinged. He smiled and was gone. 

My mind flirted with the interaction. It's funny how appreciation like that, at its base level, stays with you. 

I walked into the room and had been forgotten. This was expected. He already had someone like me. I knew her and the one she replaced. I waved and continued my evening. 

I heard later that they ended, like the one before her and probably the one before her. 

I'm sure there'd be a new one soon... That look is dangerous. It's enticing and exhilarating. 

But it doesn't work on me anymore. 

BDSM Test Results....

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
97% Masochist
95% Submissive
80% Bondage Receiver
79% Voyeur
70% Primal (Prey)
66% Non-monogamist
63% Degradation Receiver
54% Switch
49% Primal (Predator)
46% Slave
45% Exhibitionist
39% Sadist
38% Vanilla
11% Bondage Giver
10% Dominant
8% Degradation Giver
3% All-Rounder
0% Master/Mistress
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=317385

I'm so not surprised....

When you look at the "top" things.. I come up at predator...

When I do top... I do get that evil gleam in my eye... and it is mostly physical stuff (kicking/punching/etc).

It's interesting to see the bondage stuff creeping higher on the list... that's totally something my mind has been thinking about recently....

I'm pretty convinced that I'm not a slave... I'm really not... and that's ok too...

I'm going to a rope thing......

.... and I'm crazy nervous.

Well I'm going as long as tomorrow's emergency dentist appointment doesn't leave me in too much pain....

A friend is running the event (FetLife Link) and I've been meaning to go for months...

And I'm scared...

Maybe it's nerve...

Maybe it's just out right fear....

In case you didn't know, dear reader.... I'm not skinny.

I'm obese... morbidly so according to some calculations....

I'm not supposed to do rope...

Well.... that's what's in my head.

I'm not saying it's real or not.  I'm just saying that it feels like fact in my head.

It feels like even more than fact.. it feels like TRUTH in my brain.... that I'm just setting myself up to be laughed at...

Do you watch Game of Thrones?  In last night's episode Brienne of Tarth recalls a painful experience where she was laughed at... and was saved by the kindness of one person.

It feels like I'm just opening myself up to ridicule....

But... I'm gonna go.... and suck it in... and maybe it won't be so bad.....

Stupid men while driving

I'm in the car (back seat) on my way to LA and got this gem. 

I had to share...

hi
i will be visiting palo alto wednesday 15 and thursday 16 april and am looking for some kinky action while i am there. Any tips?
i prefer (big) black subs...hehe

please let me know
regards
ramon

Race and Dating

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Are you for real??

I logged into collarspace (formerly collarme) and saw I'd been viewed by a 48 year old male submissive...

And then I got a message from him...

Hello, how are you? I'm actually a Master using a subs handle for I had a stalker. Are you really a corset expert? I ask for its my #1 fetish when is comes to my perspective submissive. Let's chat pls. Thank you.

Ummmmm are you for real?

Do you know how many male submissives/switches I've chatted who claimed to actually be a Dom until you meet and they actually just want you to dominate them?

Just to check and see if maybe I'm being overly mean in my illness (day 5 in bed and I'm about ready to stab someone), I went and looked at the profile.

It's blank...

Says it's looking for Dominant, Switch, and Submissive Females...

I.E. he's looking for pussy.

Yup no... not gonna get a response from me....

Individuality...

So I've got homework from therapy... So you're all going to be subjected to bits of it :-)

We were talking about dating sites... As often happens. I was worried that people pick to date me only based on a) having a fat girl fetish or b) having a black girl fetish. 

I said I wished I was more average, less out of the norm.  If I was just average in anyway, it would have to be my personality (as expressed over the Internet) that attracted people. 

And so my shrink said, in true shrink fashion, "Well, why can't people have a preference for you? And why would you want to blend in, become something you're not?"

Ugh

That's hard to think about. 

I didn't even really thing about it... It just came out of my mouth. 

So I kind of looked at it from the other side... Do I have preferences????

Well I tend to date white, husky guys about 5'10" to 6'4" in height. It's not a hard, fast rule, but that seems to be who I'm attracted to. 

But those are things that no one judges. White dudes of average height who are not skinny....

Being black, female, and fat has a lot of baggage with it. How do you separate out people who have a type, and are attracted to the entire person, from people who are in someway just fetishizing the particular attribute?

And why is that my first thought? I can't really recall anything in my past where that happened to me.  

But then I end up with other fears.... Will I get even less attention if I lose weight??? Do I only get what I do get now based on being cute and chubby? In my head I know it's not really true, but it doesn't mean that someplace in my heart, it rings a bit too true. 

So why do I want to blend in? What's so hard about being an individual?? I don't know yet...

Good thing I have another week till therapy.