Plan of attack

I'm hoping if I write it all down, I'll get it out of my head and be able to sleep (eventually).

So I think I'm going to drop the $200 to get the crazy fancy HSV Western Blot Serology test.  It's considered the gold standard of all HSV tests.  The only place that does it is at the University of Washington so you have to jump the hoops to get your sample sent there for testing.

Step 1 - Call University of Washington

Step 2 - Email doctor that I want to get this done and get her to fill out the requisition (I don't anticipate this being hard).

Step 3 - Find a lab.  This could be tricky.  The lab needs to either consent to sending the sample off to the University of Washington over night, packed in ice, or they need to release the sample back to me so that I can do it.  The internet tells me that the big labs won't do it so either PAMF will say yes or I've gotta keep calling around.

Step 4 - Pay for it.  Money is the easy part.

Step 5 - Wait

Step 6 - Profit... wait no, wrong type of plan.

Home

I nearly cried on the train on the way to the airport.

It was Sunday afternoon.  I was up till nearly 5am local time working.  I forgot me anti-depressants and even though it was after 2pm, I hadn't had any food yet.

And I missed my mommy.

It was a whirlwind visit.  I hadn't been home since Christmas.  I saw my high school friends, my dad's family, my mom's family, and my brother and his girlfriend.

I spent a day with my sister and helped her prep for her new puppy.

I feel like I'm missing out.

I've lived in CA for 9 years this month.  I moved out for grad school and just never went back east.

I have a decent job that pays me well and a good group of friends.

But that's all that I've got out here.  If I look at my family (closer than second cousin), after me, the furthest west person are in DC (it is further west than Boston).  Family is really important to me.  I talk to my mom nearly every day (6 out of 7 I'd guess).

So what do I do?

I know my depression is acting up (yay, we might up my meds again) and I'm hoping I'm ovulating...

But maybe I have to start examining what a move back to the east coast would look like...

He's back....

Not often that I don't cross post to fetlife, but this one won't get cross listed.

I need to vent and I don't need the drama that lives on that site.

So the lovely gentleman who has caused all of the STI drama in my life..... he's starting to go to events.

When I saw him, he was curious, but didn't do anything public.

Now he's at events.  The last 2 I went to he showed up at.

And I want to punch and/or castrate him.

He's hot, and white, and skinny....

And has a new girl on his arm every time I see him.

Me... I've always been single when I've run into him.

When I'm strong, it's an annoyance... I'm just apt to glare at him and go on with my night.

Now, as I struggle with feeling wanted... I worry it would crush me.

I don't think he's on fetlife.  He's not RSVPing to events so it's not like I have any warning in advanced.

I don't want to "let him win," but I probably won't be out to events for a while, especially the ones where I've already seen him.

It's self care....

And... I really don't think he's that awful... I really think, as I look at things, that he was just being a dumb boy.  I know the other girl.  I *KNOW* she said she has HSV 2 orally...

But the internet is full of things that says HSV 2? use condoms for vaginal sex...

The medical community hasn't caught up with the way people have sex.  There aren't any papers on oral transmission of HSV 2.  I think we're only like 10-15 years from realizing that you can get 2 orally and 1 genitally.

So while I have these emotional responses to him, I don't think he was being vicious...

But he also never apologized....

Yes, he doesn't have HSV 2 (he sent me test results), but he already has HSV 1...

Which means he could have been a carrier of the virus, passed it to me, but it never took hold in his system because of the HSV 1 antibodies he already carried...

*sigh*

I can't wait for therapy next Friday... I've got a lot to unpack I think...

Blood Work....

 11/7/08 
0.69

3/25/09
0.57

3/21/13
1.54

9/7/13
0.75

1/2/14
<0.90

7/21/14
<0.90

7/28/15
2.26

Can you tell what this blood work says?

It looks kind of weird, doesn't it....

It's really low.... and then it's kind of middle high maybe?

Well let me give you some context...

<0.90 NEGATIVE0.90-1.10 EQUIVOCAL>1.10 POSITIVE

So the test makes more sense now, right?

Well what if I told you that this was testing for a disease you can never get rid of?

Confused yet?

Well these results, dear reader, are all of the HSV 2 IGG Specific blood results.

You'll remember when I got the first positive test results and then again when I thought I was in the clear again.

And so we're back into the crisis mode again... well maybe not crisis.... just massive confusion.

Worse case scenario, yup, I've got HSV 2.

Most likely scenario... we'll just never know...

Maybe it's in my blood?  Maybe my body has been exposed.

But if I never end up with an outbreak that they can test and do a culture on (the best test), the medical community just says "tell people and use condoms."

Ok.. well I already use condoms for vaginal intercourse... always have....

So......

Where's the infection site?

What do I do next?

Condoms for oral aren't fun for me, but I'd do them (damn that reservoir tip).

My doctor has sent my results off to an infectious disease specialist 'cause she's confused by them as well....

But she things I should live my life as if it's positive...

*sigh*

I'm not sure what to do now...

I saw that smile

I looked good. I mean I thought I looked good. 

I'd seen some appreciative glances too so I was pretty sure I looked good. 

Then he got in the elevator. 

And I knew I looked good. 

It was reflected in his eyes. The once over, the gaze that went from head to toe  was intoxicating. 

But I knew who he was. 

And I knew I was his type. 

We were going to the same event. The elevator dinged. He smiled and was gone. 

My mind flirted with the interaction. It's funny how appreciation like that, at its base level, stays with you. 

I walked into the room and had been forgotten. This was expected. He already had someone like me. I knew her and the one she replaced. I waved and continued my evening. 

I heard later that they ended, like the one before her and probably the one before her. 

I'm sure there'd be a new one soon... That look is dangerous. It's enticing and exhilarating. 

But it doesn't work on me anymore. 

BDSM Test Results....

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
97% Masochist
95% Submissive
80% Bondage Receiver
79% Voyeur
70% Primal (Prey)
66% Non-monogamist
63% Degradation Receiver
54% Switch
49% Primal (Predator)
46% Slave
45% Exhibitionist
39% Sadist
38% Vanilla
11% Bondage Giver
10% Dominant
8% Degradation Giver
3% All-Rounder
0% Master/Mistress
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=317385

I'm so not surprised....

When you look at the "top" things.. I come up at predator...

When I do top... I do get that evil gleam in my eye... and it is mostly physical stuff (kicking/punching/etc).

It's interesting to see the bondage stuff creeping higher on the list... that's totally something my mind has been thinking about recently....

I'm pretty convinced that I'm not a slave... I'm really not... and that's ok too...

I'm going to a rope thing......

.... and I'm crazy nervous.

Well I'm going as long as tomorrow's emergency dentist appointment doesn't leave me in too much pain....

A friend is running the event (FetLife Link) and I've been meaning to go for months...

And I'm scared...

Maybe it's nerve...

Maybe it's just out right fear....

In case you didn't know, dear reader.... I'm not skinny.

I'm obese... morbidly so according to some calculations....

I'm not supposed to do rope...

Well.... that's what's in my head.

I'm not saying it's real or not.  I'm just saying that it feels like fact in my head.

It feels like even more than fact.. it feels like TRUTH in my brain.... that I'm just setting myself up to be laughed at...

Do you watch Game of Thrones?  In last night's episode Brienne of Tarth recalls a painful experience where she was laughed at... and was saved by the kindness of one person.

It feels like I'm just opening myself up to ridicule....

But... I'm gonna go.... and suck it in... and maybe it won't be so bad.....