Attached Men: My Super Power!

It really is my super power.

I find attached men everywhere.

They fall into my lap left and right.

I should start saying no right?

I mean, I want to find my own guy to get attached too...

But I look and don't find.

So do I say no to fun now.... and leave myself open for mr. right-ish to come along?

Or do i keep busy the way I am with enough parts to add up to... a half?  maybe 2/3rds?

Why do these thoughts happen when I should be sleep?

Scheduling my masochist

I'm a masochist.

I think that's pretty apparent.

I've done some really fucked up shit and loved it....

My I have this huge fear....

That maybe, on that day that I've scheduled that date....

The masochist won't show up.

The crazy girl who gets beat with a T-ball bat will be replaced by the girl who wants to be held and cuddled and starts sobbing over a bare hand spanking.

With the busy lives we live... sometimes I'm booking play dates months out.

And I'm scared the wrong me will show up for the wrong sadist.

That I won't be what they need for a successful play date..

That I should just suck it up and do it...

I know it's all me... but sometimes it's hard having my mood and abilities swing so far from one side to another....

Cobbling together a partner

How many parts make up a whole???

I was privately journsling about the number of men in my life these days. The number is on the rise. 

I feel busier. 

If I wanted, I could be busy most nights.

But it doesn't feel as fulfilling as I'd imagined. There are still holes. 

I think I've cast the same role too many times. I'm pretty good at the legitimate fuck buddy.   When I say legitimate, I mean they're actually a buddy that I fuck: we've got some interests in common and would actually be friends even if the sex wasn't happening. 

I'm not so good at filling the "great passionate partner" role.  You know, that person who instantaneously makes you wet and grabs you and pulls you into their arms. 

Or maybe that doesn't exist. Maybe I read too many romance novels. 

But I see my friends and read about others.... And there does seem to be something I'm missing... Some passion or sparks that I don't yet have fulfilled. 

But I don't know exactly what that is yet...

Burning Desires

I lived a blessed childhood.  I never wanted for anything.  I mean, I had the normal childhood wants for toys and candy, but there was never anything that I needed that I ever wanted for.

I look around as 30 starts to approach, and I feel a little bit like I'm trying to grab sand in an hour glass as it slips by.

I look at my brother.  Once he decided he wanted to be an actor, he moved heaven and earth to make that happen.  He has an idea of what he wants to do when he graduates, in 10 years, and in 20 years.

I have some friends who always knew they wanted to be parents.  They were willing to do it on their own but they knew they wanted to have children.

I don't have a burning desire for really anything.  I have no idea what I want to do with a career... I mean I want to make enough money to not have to worry about it.. but that's not really a career.

Another friend spoke about how work was a pay check and her passion was her friends and the people in her life.

I like you all... I really do.

But I suffer no delusions that 95% of you could and would leave if you wanted/needed to.  It's not a bad thing... I just don't put much stake in anyone having to be there for me.

That's the one point that nearly made me sob when I first met my new psychiatrist.  I was talking about work and how I've found a niche as a care taker, a role I fit into pretty well.  She then asked who takes care of me.... and my eyes welled up, I grabbed a tissue, dabbed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said "well that's something I should be working on."

I feel like the wants I have in life aren't true wants, but wants driven from fear.  I want a relationship so I'm not alone.  I want a good job so I'm not poor and can't find a place to live.

It's not like I want to be an actor... because I want that... because that's what I want to do with my life.

I do ok with smaller, physical wants.

I want sex and beatings and cuddles and orgasms 'cause I like how they feel.

But I don't think I do well with figuring out the more complicated, deeper level ones....

I’m out of practice…

… of taking a beating.

F beat the crap out of me (literally… so much chest beating that it broke up some congestion in my chest).

It’s all a bit of a blur right now 24 hours later.  I was restrained under a wooden beam.  There were weighted gloves, canes of all sizes, huge thuddy floggers, riding crops, and, of course, pressure points.

That’s kind of the main thing that F and I do.  Our very first play date was wax.  It was nice.  We were cuddling afterwards and he started to play with the pressure points in my butt… and I got really high.  It was the first time I got marks to change colors (I’ve still got photos around here someplace).

To start with, the pressure point play is nice.  In fact, I’m the crazy person leaning in to make the pressure more.  The ones on my chest were really what I liked.

And then it went up a level.  And man did it hurt.  F has this cane with a silver bear on the end of it.  I think I might end up with a bear shaped bruise on my chest from him pushing the end of the cane into the pressure point.

I ended up calling things earlier than normal.  I was cycling hot/cold all night and then I was hot and nauseous, probably a good time to stop.

I went through a bit of “why couldn’t I keep going” but I shook that off pretty quickly.  It’s nice to have fought battles before and not have to linger there very long anymore.

I’ll be posting pictures as the bruising happens.  The ones on my chest really hurt (and are right where a messenger bag sits).  My ass and back are a bit sore, but no colors yet.  The one “bear” mark on my chest is already red and will probably turn colors.  That’s exactly what I need, something to draw the attention of all of the other sadists in my life….

New Meds

So the new psychiatrist didn't tell me....

But my chart now says bipolar.

Awesome.

So I'm now on 3 different mood drugs: an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, and a mood stabilizer.

I'm still working up to my full doses on the 2 newer ones.

So yea... if you see me acting weird, please call me on it... who knows what all of these new chemicals in my brain might do.

Girls... Girls... Girls....

I've written before about not being queer....

But now I'm kind of wishing I was.. a little bit.

Girls are objectively hot.

Boobies are awesome.

Girls are soft and fun to touch.

Kissing girls is fun too... they taste yummy.

But... ummmmmmm.....

They just don't really do it for me without a guy around....

But maybe that's not too bad....

Maybe I should play around with girls, to see if I like it.

Does it not count as real exploration if there's a guy around?

Ahhh the things my sick (like actually sick... stupid sinus infection) brain decides to focus on...