Grrrrr

Going to a wedding is sometimes a total drain on me emotionally. I mean.. oh happy couples everywhere.....and me sitting by myself..... I kind of want to stop looking.... it's kind of hard and time consuming and I've got other things to be doing you know. I keep doing first date after first date, but nothing happens. Any of the ones that end up well are work-a-holics. I've done another phone purge recently. I have all these numbers from guys who I know will never call again. I need to figure out what to talk to my psychologist about on Wednesday. I think I need to talk through my relationships with her.... I don't know what to do...how to go about it etc...... I need to figure out why I want/need a man so much. It can't be healthy I guess. I hate getting my hopes up. Dear god I don't cry over like anything else but men. Just feeling this frustrated makes me kind of teary eyed.....grrrrrrrrr

I'm Bruised

I played with E tonight. It was... well I'm not clear enough to talk about it yet. He beat me and beat me....and bear me some more. I sobbed... was really crying for a bit..... I'm pretty bruised.

Dungeon

Going to the dungeon and not playing puts me in a bad mood. I mean, I didn't have any plans on playing, but being there and not playing made me feel kind of icky...... I want to be able to be there and not be so upset... but I just turn internal and then it's just... I dunno.... makes me upset.....

Poly

Am I poly? I always seem to say no, but recently, I'm not so sure...I mean, I want to have a primary partner, but does that mean that I can't have a bit on the side? Can I really handle is is the real question. I tend to get attached to people once sex is involved. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing with multiple relationships. I could see having sex with others if I had a primary, kind of the spice of life... but without a primary, I'm unsure if it's really a good idea to start a casual thing with someone....But I want to! I don't know... It's.... well it's weird. I'm just worried about getting hurt... it seems to be what always happens to me.....

10/6/07

So yea...... I played tonight with DG. It was good.Things that were good....I really like ropeThe big heavy hits with the heavy flogger went welli like being tied up, but it's a mixed blessing 'cause when i struggle I can handle more pain....Things that were bad...I got into fight/flight syndrome and didn't say anything... I just tried to untie myself.... that's the bad place.... that's yellow/red... I need to vocalize it...I wasn't in the best mindset. I'd been talking with people like a little earlier in the night and was there a little too much. I really need to do things like-wear a collar-kneel-perform servicebefore I play to get me in the right mindset.I think I needed more warm up but didn't ask for it.I NEED TO SAY MORE!

8/13/07

So today I masturbated (as is my fashion) to an erotic story about a woman who was kidnapped and gang banged by several men. It got me hot reading about how she came to really enjoy being used...I thinks are moving to fast... I think I'm agreeing to things not 'cause I really want to do them or think that it's the right time for things to happen, but because I can't say no. I need to learn to say no. It's hard but I need to. Is it ok to back things off a bit?

8/12/07

I woke up this morning and re-read the conversation, following especially the parts where you give me directions. I only played with my pussy lips until I got to the end like you had asked. When it was time to touch my clit, I followed your directions and stroked it thinking of you touching it, and then waited 5 seconds before continuing. I rubbed in kind of the same manor as last night (it's how I cum.... you might say I'm in a rut), rubbing the upper side with my left hand. I was so close when my arm started to get tired but instead of switching hands I needed to cum really badly so I just ignored it and kept rubbing and rubbing the base of my clit with my left hand. There was a big gasp of air right before I cameI'm about to go suck on my panties now. I've never done it before so I'm a little worried that I won't be able to compel myself to do it to completion, but I will let you know when I'm done how it went. After that I will shower and touch my pussy like you directed last night.Shelly