Matchmaker Matchmaker.....

If you haven't read, OKCupid changed their messaging system.  Now, your messages doesn't show up unless the guy has already liked your profile.  Otherwise, it shows up only on your profile... you know... if he manages to end up on your profile....

Uhhh....

I don't know lots of guys to go through there liking profiles for fun.

I sent out 10-15 messages one weekend and got no responses.  I don't know if they were read and ignored, or if they were never seen...

So what's a single girl to do?

Well hire a match maker...

Yea.... this is in my head all day now too....

So.....

There's this site Tawkify (not an endorsement.. yet).

I signed up and spent a stupid amount of money for 6 dates...

Well the dates aren't what you're paying for, but the matchmaker.

So I signed up online and then had a pre call.  I talked to an intake woman for 30ish minute last Sunday.  They're trying to get an idea of who you are and what you're looking for and if there's anything crazy that the won't be able to match you.  They've got an 85% success rate but they acknowledge that it's that way because they're picky at this stage. 

After she passed me, my application goes to a screening meeting for my area (meets 3 days a week in the bay area), and with that final approval, I got assigned a matchmaker.

She'll (and mine is a woman) video chat up to 30 guys per date and select one for me to go on a date with.  She'll handle the scheduling of the date and will call us both after to see how it went.  She'll also coach me on what I can do better, take my feedback on what would be better in the guy, and select the next date...

But before all this happens, she and I will have a 1-2 hour video call where she gets to know me and what I want.

All this vulnerability feels like extra therapy sessions.

But dear reader, this is all known...

I'm left with... what do I want.

Some of it is easy... someone I can chat with, babies aren't needed, marriages isn't needed but isn't something I'm horribly against.  SF or SJ are preferred since work and home.  I like my men like big teddy bears.  Taller than me is nice, but at 5'4", not hard.

But..... kink....

How important is the kink (and maybe the poly) part of my life?

Could I date a vanilla guy?

Could I date a vanilla swirl guy (pull my hair during sex)?

I'm kind of asking the universe but I know that the answer is inside me

I really enjoy the ability to connect with people the way I have with M/s.... but maybe there are other ways to connect that would feel ok to me.

I like playing at traditional gender roles... but only playing at them.  I wouldn't that to be real 24/7.

I do like a lot of crazy porn (do you follow my tumblr?).... but maybe that's all it needs to stay at.

I'm sure I'll be writing more on this as my first meeting with the matchmaker happens.

If I could have anything...

So my therapist asked me what my ideal relationship would look like... not that we always get what we want, but she wanted me to think of what it would look like. 

And I balked like a frightened mare. 

I got tense and sweaty. 

I couldn't speak. 

Me, the planner, the person who gets stuff done, had no idea what my ideal relationship would look like. 

"But you should be flexible," I tried to counter. We've all read the stories of the unreasonable women who state what the 3 acceptable hair cuts for their future mate. 

"We know that's not you," she countered. 

That is also true. I'm so worried about being too picky that I've dated and fucked guys I wasn't in to because that wasn't a good enough reason to not. 

I guess I'm so scared to even think about what I want because the  I'd really know what I'm missing...

So I'm on a plane for another 5 hours and with nothing better to do, you, dear reader, will get a bit of stream of (painful to pull out) thought. 

Do I want kids?

Right out with the hard questions, right? This one is actually a bit easier for me to think about. I have some dear friends (waves at those who also read my blog) who knew they wanted kids and planned their lives around that. I also have friends who have never if ever wavered from not wanting kids. 

I'm in the middle... I do t have strong feelings either way. I'd be game for kids with a partner who wanted them. I also wouldn't rule out a partner because he didn't want kids.  I'm pretty content in this area and don't feel like I've not planned. My plan currently is to wait and see. 

That was easy... which is probably why it came out first, right?

Do I want to be  married? Planning a cool party sounds fun. Being legally and financially tied to another person? I feel like I could name for you all the reasons not to do it, all the horrible things that you may have to deal with.....

But all that is the logical brain...the side of me that wants to hide and never take risks. It's hard to say it out loud (I still haven't really), but I'd like to be married. I'd like to have till death do us part. I want to promise to cherish and be cherished in front of families and friends. Yea, getting married and not having kids can be horrible on your taxes, but that's all the stuff that comes with the institution of marriage. I want the core, the love, the intertwining of lives. 

Sooooooooooo

What else?

Where does kink fit in? Mono/poly/open??

*sigh*

Why is this so hard??

Ok...... mono/poly/open....

I haven't had a primary partner since my high school/college boyfriend. We broke up in 2005, so it's been a while. The whole time we dated we were long distance (he's a year older than me and we didn't start dating till he was already in college). I've never lived with a primary partner nor had one that I saw even weekly. 

Since 2005, I've had.....1? 2? Big R relationships. They've been great but they've been set up from the very beginning as none primary. Is that what I want?

Well when I think about the previous section on marriage...it's kind of hard to say that  being a secondary partner has ever been my end goal. I enjoy the companionship and I have a lot of fun....

But I feel like I'm always holding back. It's like I have this pit of love and emotion and neediness that I keep carefully locked up since those desires and needs can't be met...

Now I don't know for sure they can't be met... I just don't even acknowledge that path for fear that they can't be met. I carve out this little piece of me that I think fits what people are offering and don't let them see anything else. 

Ok so a primary partner would make me happy. Monogamy? 

Eh

Sex is really nice

Kink is really nice. 

Time is a zero sum game. 

I guess I'd say that I probably wouldn't want a second boyfriend. I think I'd probably want the freedom to have friends with benefits situations. 

---- minor side note. Friends with benefits are awesome...at least the way I do it. I'm actually friends, good friends, with those who get benefits. I couldn't do it where it was just sex and nothing else. I'd feel too vulnerable. 

Ok so I want a primary partner who'd be ok with me having none romantic sexual relationships with others. Marriage would be a goal and kids could be on the table. 

That's scary to write down let alone say out loud. 

So I'm stomach now hurts. Not sure if I ate something that is setting me off or if I'm really uncomfortable thinking about this..... so I'll stop here...

For now. 

Reading

Hi all....

It's been a while.

I've been reading again....

Between tumblr and re-reading cheesy romance novels, I've started to see what draws me in and what I seem to be craving....

I wan structure... from the outside, punishments for breaking rules, care, leadership, pain, sex....

The stories have tended towards D/s, M/s, domestic discipline, and 1950s housewives...

Could I do it all the time.... I don't know.... maybe no... maybe it just seems like what I want from the outside...

Or maybe that's the bit inside of me that wants out.....

It's ok...

... to want to rely on someone some of the time.....

I had a rough September.  3 different car issues totally nearly $1k.  Work was in flux (just a move, but still, stress), pollen count was so high I couldn't run outside/train for my 10k, move at work meant no yoga.

I got to therapy on Friday (OMG, totally worth the $20 per visit) and I was wiped out.  I felt like I'd been wound up so tight and couldn't calm down.

After outlining with a calendar all the things going on, she really got that I was exhausted.

One of the things that came up was how alone I felt.  I was able to weather the storm... I was able to deal with all the things....

But I also didn't have a choice but to deal.

I'm feeling a little financially unstable... mostly because the car stuff bit into my cushion (glad I had that cushion).

Wouldn't it be nice, my shrink said, if there was someone else's cushion that you could lean on for a while.  If someone could make you dinner if you had a rough day.  If you cooked dinner and someone else did the dishes.

None of this is stuff I *can't* do... it would just be nice to not have to do it... to be taken care of a little bit.

It makes sense with my fantasy life.  As I get more into hypnosis, dollification, and bimboification, the common thread is giving up control.... but more than just control, giving up un-directed action.

As a submissive, I really like taking care of people.  I had brunch with an ex who I'm still friends with and I still remembered he wouldn't want a straw for his drink and I set out napkins and water glasses for us... I just do that.  I like to take care of people.

But the new fetishes....  I don't do anything.  I'm blank.  I'm a canvas that someone else is writing on.

It makes sense... I need a break from doing all the things and just getting to be.

Oh yea... I blog......

Oh... hi blog!

It's been a while (months).

For more day to day smut, I do have a tumblr now.  I also have an alt tumblr for my more political rantings.

So why am I here?

'Cause sometimes I want to write to you dear readers and not the crazy people on the internet who only like me for the pictures of my boobs (not that you're not allowed to like my boobs too).

As a brief aside... I'm mostly ok right now.  I stick my head out into the world regularly, but it's soo tiring... so overwhelming....

But I am reading and following... and judging people based on what I'm reading and following....

My heart is pretty heavy sometimes :-(

But that's not why I wanted to blog today.....

There's a boy (ok I know, it's me, there's always a boy).

We've hung out at several events/munches/dinner parties and have had one solo date so far.  In total, we've probably talked, in person, for over 6 hours (maybe closer to 7).

Everything sounds great, right?

Well.... we haven't kissed....

For lack of a better understanding... I'm always shocked to not end up in bed with a guy on the first or second date or at least I'm naked and being beaten.

I guess the fear then is... omg am I just a friend?   Is this going no place?

But I'm having fun, I really am.  I gabbed for 4 hours (9:30pm - 1:30am) at a dive bar (great people watching).

And he's not been feeling well recently but still wanted to hang out... so he's making an effort.

Did I mention I'm having fun?

Maybe... just maybe... this is what dating is....

Nearly all of my boyfriends were friends first... we didn't have to do this stage, I'd known them for years.  Is this how this is supposed to go?

We've hugged... I really like hugging him....

And, from the outside, I'm pretty sure he likes me.  We were hanging at a munch (chatted for at least 3 hours that night) and the next day a friend who was not in the know asked me about the guy who was so obviously into me...

Soooooooooooooo

Yea... I should probably just go to sleep now and stop worrying.... but I bet some of my friends are about to have their mid-night wake ups and will distract me for a bit....

I'm just so not used to.... initiating?  I don't know if that's the right word...

A guy is interested and if I'm not opposed, I follow his lead.... I don't know how to open the door widely enough that they a) see that it's open and b) walk through it....

Damn using my words is scary and makes me vulnerable.....


Ahhhhhhhhh

Dating as Job Hunting

We had a great speaker from Paradigm IQ come to work and speak about unconscious bias.

One of the things she said was that, on average, a woman will only apply to a job if she meets 100% of the qualifications but a man will apply if he meets 60% of the qualifications.

All of a sudden, while I flip through OKC, this fact came back to me.

I should reach out to guys who I might not match 100%.... they'll message me if they think they meet 60% of what I say.... and yea, it's good to list lots of "requirements" (as someone who dates men).  The more I list, the more things they'll need to match to hit 60%.....

The Ringmaster

I'm sitting here about 24 hours after the start of yesterday's date and the urge to get it out of my head and on to paper(?) has hit me (I was that kid who actually kept a paper diary back in the day).

A dear friend gives many of her play partner nick names in her blog. As I thought about yesterday's date both before and after, I found myself referring to him as the ringmaster.... So it's officially stuck. 

I had Friday off of work and slept in, poked my bite marks from wet munch, and started primping. The ringmaster and I had talked a little about doll makeup so I spent a good amount of time on YouTube and had a look to replicate. While the makeup itself isn't 100% needed, I've found that it's really transformative for me. Some see makeup as the defenses they put on every day. For me, it's much more of a peeling off of layers. I rarely, if ever wear makeup to work. No makeup Shelly is the boss lady... One of the guys.... Kind of lacking of a specific gender. Makeup Shelly is the me inside, the one who likes makeup and shoes and being girly and being submissive. It's not a more authentic me because I've done work on integrating all parts of me... It's just me without many of the outer, protective layers. 

With my dog sitting and heading to see him in SF, I decided to transit at least part way. I drove to Millbrae and then took BART to his office. I realized I'd never done transit in full makeup and was worried that my normal "don't fuck with me" wouldn't work, but it did. I got off and walked to blocks to his office and he met me outside....

We walked into his office, the door closed, he took my bag, helped me out of my sweater, sat me in a chair, and fucked my face till he came down my throat. 

Yes, it was that hot. 

We cleaned up (a bit of mascara smudges on me and my foundation on his pants) and caught an uber pool to his place. We had another passenger as well as the driver so we talked randomly about SF construction and the new train... While he texted me that I was a good girl for sucking his cock. 

Also hot, right?

We get to his place and end up in his room after waving at his roommate. He sat and asked me to remove his socks. I don't know why, but those little acts of service, the opportunity to be helpful, drops me into a really pleasant service head space pretty quickly. I did that and he asked me to suck on his toes. In hindsight, I don't think I've ever done that, but in the moment, that was just what I was going to do. There was no hesitation, no thoughts, just a desire to serve. 

It was now time for more cock sucking. This time it was a mixture of me doing work and being a hole to be fucked. I gagged pretty badly twice but just kept going till I was rewarded for my hard work. 

Afterward, something wasn't right. It wasn't bad, I wasn't in sub space, but I just was... Gone. The Ringmaster saw it immediately and asked if I could talk (yay I remembered to talk about going non verbal early enough) and I said yes, but then couldn't articulate what was going on. He pulled me off the floor next to him and held me (and gave some sexy nipple pain) and told me that I worked really hard and was a good girl. I was slowly able to come back. 

Ok, I've forgotten something so I'm going backwards. We had spoken about humiliation and I had said that I've struggled with humiliation around things like body size/shape and intelligence, the things that I've had issues accepting in general in my life. When we were in his office he said to me "You know, you're my smart girl, but you're also my dumb cunt too."

Damn, that was hot. It didn't feel like a dumb person. I didn't feel less. I was daddy's smart girl but he wanted to face fuck his dumb cunt too. 

Man that was hot. 

I remembered that cause while I was coming down it came up again and it made me smile that I could be what Daddy wanted. 

I was such a good girl that I had earned a reward. I wasn't going to be allowed to cum, but I could make a suggestion for my reward. I said I wanted to make out. He said, "you mean kiss?" and we made out for a bit before it was time for the bondage. 

Nipple clamps (wait those went on earlier) ankles together, wrists together in front of me, wrists and ankles loosely connected. 

Ugh I'm out of order again. Before the bondage I was given a large butt plug to insert. I struggled. He enjoyed my struggle. I finally got it in but my eyes were bigger than my asshole and it hurt a lot. I probably would have tried to adjust to it, to keep it in, but the Ringmaster saw what was going on and me being in that level of pain/discomfort wasn't in his plans. We abandoned it. 

So I'm tied up and handed a cordless hitachi. I'm allowed to masturbate, to edge, to watch the porn on the tv (all aggressive face fucking porn), read the book about coming out as porn stars, or text him. I couldn't  cum or use my phone for anything else. He was going to check on my on occasion but was hosting a game night in the living room. I was just a friend taking a nap so I couldn't make any noise.

I didn't end up reading. I fell asleep a couple of times. I watched all the porn on a loop. I masturbated most of the time. I edged at least 5 times. He'd come check on me. He cuddled and watched a porn with me. He'd come in and turn up the speed on the hitachi. He'd come in, smack me, and have me suck his cock more. 

We did this for 3 hours... I think. I then got dressed, sat and watched the game night for a bit, caught a lyft to Bart, and went home. I had permission to finally cum when I got home....but didn't. 

All in all....OMG I had an amazing time. I really feel like he gets me. When he left me, he made sure i could text him and put the safety shears, my snacks, and my water within my reach. I felt safe and cared for. 

Right before he left the first time he asked how i was doing and I was like I'm good. He remarked how talkative and nervous I was over coffee at Wicked Grounds but now I was so quiet with nothing to say. "I have nothing to be nervous about now," I said with all clarity. He seemed to chuckle since at the time I was bound in his bedroom. 

But I meant it. I'm no good at dating. I get nervous. I'm worried that the guy won't like me. I knew he liked playing with me. I knew that if it was too much I had a safe word. There was nothing to be nervous about. I felt cherished. The nerves around a kink scene are no where near as bad as the nerves around a coffee date. 

So I'm back in SJ. I texted when I got to my car in Millbrae and, at his request, when I was home. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't blog. I was up till nearly 3am. Today has been pretty chill and relaxing. I can't say I won't blog more (there's some doll stuff that wants to come out), but here's the end of this post...

Omg the Ringmaster wants to read this.  Well here goes some transparency. That's good, right? Sharing my blog is more nerve racking than be tied up and hurt. It's access to me, not just my body. 

But I actually want to share with him (and the rest of you dear readers).