Race and Dating

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Are you for real??

I logged into collarspace (formerly collarme) and saw I'd been viewed by a 48 year old male submissive...

And then I got a message from him...

Hello, how are you? I'm actually a Master using a subs handle for I had a stalker. Are you really a corset expert? I ask for its my #1 fetish when is comes to my perspective submissive. Let's chat pls. Thank you.

Ummmmm are you for real?

Do you know how many male submissives/switches I've chatted who claimed to actually be a Dom until you meet and they actually just want you to dominate them?

Just to check and see if maybe I'm being overly mean in my illness (day 5 in bed and I'm about ready to stab someone), I went and looked at the profile.

It's blank...

Says it's looking for Dominant, Switch, and Submissive Females...

I.E. he's looking for pussy.

Yup no... not gonna get a response from me....

Individuality...

So I've got homework from therapy... So you're all going to be subjected to bits of it :-)

We were talking about dating sites... As often happens. I was worried that people pick to date me only based on a) having a fat girl fetish or b) having a black girl fetish. 

I said I wished I was more average, less out of the norm.  If I was just average in anyway, it would have to be my personality (as expressed over the Internet) that attracted people. 

And so my shrink said, in true shrink fashion, "Well, why can't people have a preference for you? And why would you want to blend in, become something you're not?"

Ugh

That's hard to think about. 

I didn't even really thing about it... It just came out of my mouth. 

So I kind of looked at it from the other side... Do I have preferences????

Well I tend to date white, husky guys about 5'10" to 6'4" in height. It's not a hard, fast rule, but that seems to be who I'm attracted to. 

But those are things that no one judges. White dudes of average height who are not skinny....

Being black, female, and fat has a lot of baggage with it. How do you separate out people who have a type, and are attracted to the entire person, from people who are in someway just fetishizing the particular attribute?

And why is that my first thought? I can't really recall anything in my past where that happened to me.  

But then I end up with other fears.... Will I get even less attention if I lose weight??? Do I only get what I do get now based on being cute and chubby? In my head I know it's not really true, but it doesn't mean that someplace in my heart, it rings a bit too true. 

So why do I want to blend in? What's so hard about being an individual?? I don't know yet...

Good thing I have another week till therapy. 

Boundaries

So last night this didn't come up in my head is the idea of boundaries...

But it's front and center right now.

How do you set up the proper boundaries so that work for you... especially when they're not ones you really want?

Day to day... I get up, go to work, pay my bills, and am generally an adult.

Deep inside, though, I have some desires that are not consistent with those day to day goals.

.........

If you're here, you probably know what kind of dirty girl I really am, but there's an even deeper, sicker level that makes me totally hot.....


And maybe one day I'll write about it....


So anyway that level is there.... and there are people who have access to it....

And it's damn hot.

It seems like that part of me is overwhelming... that that's the part that "truly" me...

I think it's just the part that doesn't get let out often enough so it's always looking for ways to escape.

It truth... it's part of me, an important part... but it's not all of me....

And having a boundary around it isn't a bad thing.

.............

What I've got to figure out is how to feed that part of me, without sacrificing the rest of me.  Let's have fun and be dirty and be at someone else's beck and call.... sometimes.

I can't (shouldn't?) do that all the time.  I'm more complex than just that part of my brain.  How often (and with whom) can that side get let out?  How much can I do to play in that mindset without it making me want to stay there longer than is healthy?  Can I do long term...... BLANK in that mindset without if affecting other parts of me?  Can I let someone control BLANK TWO (which is totally hot) without it affecting the rest of my life?

Two blogs in a row.. more questions than answers....

The Conundrum...

I can't promise that this will make any sense...

My brain has been going around in circles on this for a while. It was confusing enough that I had a bit of a depressed day while my brain processed it all. So, expect several posts on similar topics as it all comes out of my brain. 

In general and with my therapist, I've been looking at dating in general and I what I want I'm a partner. 

It's been really hard to come up with even the most basic characteristics that I want in a partner. I'm really afraid of being picky. My shrink assures me that I'm not being picky. Picky, she said, would be me saying a guy has to be between 5'10" and 5'11". I'm afraid wanting someone intelligent would be too picky of me even when I mean someone I could talk to, not someone with a degree from a particular university. 

Sometimes I feel for her... She has to deal with me and my brain...

So look out in the future for a blog post about qualities...

I think the more pressing conundrum in my brain is a little more complex...

I'm poly. Or so I think. 

I've only had one traditional, monogamous relationship. We dated senior year of high school through junior year of college. He was a year older, so we were long distance the entire time. 

Since then I've had various types of non-monogamous relationships: fwb, secondary, play partners, etc.  

The question I'm facing is why. I've got a couple of different things I'm looking at:

1) I'm poly. Yay. I work better with multiple relationships. The whole primary thing doesn't work for me. I'm better with my own alone time and seeing people when I want to.

2) I'm not poly. I don't think I deserve to be someone's one and only so I accept and make due with whatever comes my way. 

3) A bit of both (cause I like Star Lord a lot).

I know that it's most likely option 3: some sort of combination of the first two. So I guess the more important question is what is the ratio. 

Questions like what kind of poly set up do I want/need, what depth of partnership am I looking for, and where do I find people like that all swirl around in my head...

I don't think I've got answers right now.... But maybe I'm at least starting to figure out the questions...

Suffering

While on my flight to Japan, I started blogging...

Here's what came out. 

************

Suffering

It's been a week and I feel like I'm still processing DO. Thanks to everyone who's been around while I processed. 

The main thing that's come out of it all for me is the idea of suffering. 

I had an amazing scene. It was great. I was happy. I felt used in a good way. 

But I still felt open. 

Ever get your hair done or blow dry your hair??

These days they always say to finish with cold water/air. See, the warm water/air opens up the follicles on your hair. The cold helps close the cuticle, sealing in whatever you've done. 

I came back to my hotel room post scene and I felt like that open cuticle. I'd had my scene/treatment, but I was still open. 

And I didn't know how to close it. 

I stumbled around in a haze. I ended up at cigars boots and chocolate searching for something. A dear friend offered me a puff on his cigar. I mistook the gesture as him wanting to ash on me. I said I was on the edge of a really submissive head space and him ashing on my would probably drop me pretty hard. He said he was down for that and that he had canes. 

A little ash, a trip to retrieve a toy bag, and down to the dungeon we go. 

At first I couldn't get comfortable. I was flat on a table and just nothing was right. Then I tried standing and laying the top half of my body on the table. It let me get more physical contact and I thought that's what I was missing. 

But something was still not right. Nothing I could do would make it right. And then the tears came. Not the pretty crying, mind you. I'm talking about full on sobs/not able to communicate. 

But the joy of playing with a dear old friend was that he held me till I was done, packed up our stuff, and took my outside for a couple of drags off his cigarette. 

It was outside the holiday inn that cool night that it finally came to me: suffering. 

I'm a masochist. I like pain. It gets me hot. 

But that's just for fun. 

What really seems to fulfill me is suffering. Not in general, but for someone. 

And it just clicked. I want to take more pain than I enjoy cause it makes someone else happy. I like being on orgasm restriction because I'm suffering for someone else's pleasure. 

And on Sunday afternoon, I didn't feel as if I'd suffered enough. I'd built it up in my head and I was prepared to lay and be flayed open physically, mentally, or emotionally for his pleasure. 

And that's one of the issues I see sometimes with distance/online. I talk a big game and the text covers atoms were hot and heavy. But in hindsight, the scene we had was just the scene we needed to have. We were feeling each other out, re-learning how we fit together. It wasn't a first scene, it wasn't an 100th scene, it was someplace in the middle, where it belonged. 

So now what?

I took a class with Miss Amy from Seattle on teaching from below, ie communication. One of the things she said was that we have to be with our partners where they are that day, and that that can change day to day. I've been realizing that I need to treat myself the same way. This realization around suffering was kind of huge. Over the course of the weekend, I took many layers off and when I went to put the, back on, I'd lost the one that hid that concept from me. 

So I'm really not the same person I was before. 

And it'll take time to figure out this new me. 

Toys...

Don't know how much of this is going to end up in the TMI/female anatomy range... so you've got your warning now...

So I own one dildo... I used to have a 2nd till it started to degrade, but the one I have still is the very first dildo I ever bought.

Well I didn't buy it.  My best friend bought it for me for my 21st christmas.  We were shopping in the strip club district in Baltimore after getting my first tattoo and she declared that I needed one.  In to the store we went, not as wide eyed as the average 21 year olds I hope, but still young.  We had characteristics (make sure it's got balls so you could put it in a strap on if needed), but none of them were really about how it would feel for me to use on me.

So we left with a 8" black, doc johnson, veiny dildo in a clear plastic bag (which we made her submissive carry around for the night).

9 years later, that's still pretty much the only insertable I have.  Well, I've got 3 butt plugs (including one with a fox tail), but just the one dildo.

I've got rope and clamps and at least 6 different things that vibrate.

But just the one dildo.

That I rarely if ever use.

And it's not like I'm not someone who gets off on penetration.  I squirt like a fire house from 2-4 fingers inside of me with not clitoral stimulation.

So why don't I ever masturbate that way?

Well with my own hands, my arms aren't the right length to really get a good fucking.  So tonight I got an order to insert something, and I figured, I'll go back to the good 'ol dildo that I've had longer than I've known most of the people reading this.

And it felt good... ok... sort of fine?

It's just not right.

And I think I realize this ever couple of years but I don't do anything about it.

It's too long.  It hits places that don't feel fun (at the level of stimulation I easily reach on my own... got someone's fist inside of me and my cervix is ready for a pounding).  I guess I was good so I got permission to cum... and as soon as the quasi/sort of orgasm faded, I was immediately sick to my stomach and nauseous.  That's probably not good.  It's hours later and I still feel a bit out of sorts.

So length... I need something shorter.

Girth?  I think it's ok.  I don't think it's too big.

Material.... I guess that's the hard (giggle) part.  It's not an actual hard penis.  It doesn't feel like a hard penis in my hand, my mouth, or my vagina.  It's too flexible in certain directions and to firm in others.  It's just a copy, a facsimile, of what I really want inside of me.

And maybe I'm holding it wrong... maybe I'm making it rub against the not fun/nausea causing places by grasping the balls of the dildo (turned upwards towards my clit).  Maybe that adds some sort of differential pressure on the dildo causing it to rub the wrong way.

And the orgasm... it was just.... it wasn't worth the hassle.  It felt good.  I was obviously rubbing at least part of the right spot with the dildo....

But then it was gone... there was no release no relaxation no completion...

It's like the undertow just ripped all of the energy out of the wave before it crashed on shore...

You could see that the water arrived on the shore... but there was no impact... no great force with the wave.

Followed shortly by the feeling sick and icky.

And add in some brain weasels that I should probably actually be blogging about but they're not ready to make themselves known.

So instead I talk about sex toys....

I should go shopping sometime soon.....