Learning from Erotica...

I've been reading erotica for many more years than I should....

I've decide to share some of my favorite stories, not just to get you hot, but to use them as a medium to analyze myself and my kink.

Wanting It All

*Brief synopsis*

They've been happily married for years, but have each lived with a secret.  When her affair with her ex Dom comes out, he, an ex dom who gave up kink thinking she wasn't in to it, leaves her with his friend, the head of a punishment dungeon, to try to use kink to coerce her into divorce.


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As will be a theme in these stories, I'm not the main character.  I don't identify with her.  She's a heavy masochists.  She gets to a happy place and the orgasms flow like milk and honey.

I'm her best friend.  She's not really into kink.  Well, she wanted to be into kink and then the main character hooked up with a Dom that abused her.  So now, bestie dates submissive vanilla men 'cause she knows she's in control and they won't hurt her.  And she won't get what she really wants, but at least it's safer.

And of course, she meets L, the head of the dungeon, who is trying to get the main character back with her husband after he realizes that they both kept things from each other.  He feels like he's getting older, and is tired of the parade of women in his life.  He wants one to be a partner and when he meets bestie, he loves her fire, the submission that is trying to get out, and her intelligence.

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I don't know what would make me happy.  I have ideas, but I've not been there to know for sure that's what makes me happy.

I don't date vanilla boys anymore.  Well... anymore is a hard statement.  I've had exactly one vanilla boyfriend... we dated for over 3 years and I did whatever he asked... never had an opinion and was just happy that a boy liked me at all.

He's also the only boy that ever got to the point to take home to Mom and Dad.

After that is was only kinky guys.... but it was also never "appropriate" kinky guys.

Well let me define appropriate.....

I feel like I'm better than I used to be, but I never really thought I deserved what I wanted.  That very first boyfriend was senior year of high school... that was my first kiss.  I was a guy's girl... lots of guy friends but it would be "weird" to go out with me.

So after that relationship ended,  I never said no to a guy... a guy asked me out... I didn't really think he was cute or anything, but I'd go out with him, even fuck him if that's what he wanted, cause he was interested in me and I needed to grab hold of that.  Another time I'll have to tell the story of being a senior at Duke University and letting the 35 year old hick who lived out in the boonies fuck my ass... 'cause he was at least interested in me.

I've grown and got better and developed a bit more self esteem.... but I still didn't look for what I thought I wanted.  I want the white picket fence with the full dungeon in the basement/garage.  The white picket part is actually the harder to find.  I can get the dungeon...  I've become a parody of myself at times by being that awesome secondary partner.  Oh I really enjoy the time I get with people, but it's a protection mode.  You can never hurt me 'cause I'm not supposed to mean that much to you anyway.  We'll have our date ever so often, chat as friends, and I can stay in that place forever and ever.  Do I get all of my needs met?  No.  Do I get enough met to keep the edge off the craving.  Pretty much.

(ever start writing and have no idea what was going to come out... I didn't know this blog was going to end up here.....)

So as I ramble around with the thoughts in my head, I led back to my new guy.  He's age appropriate and technically single (though there's a live-in ex that he still messes around with along with a couple of other casual relationships).  I was complaining to someone that he felt a little clingy.  They pointed out that he had time for me...

Have I gotten so jaded that someone who pays attention to me and wants to see me feels clingy?  The bastad from the last relationship (you know, the cheating poly guy) was technically single (or so I thought) but he also never talked to me.  New guy doesn't let a day go by without something, even if it's a text that says "I hope you're having a great day."

Is that what guys do?  Could they really miss me and want to spend time with me?  Ok, that sounds a little harsher than I mean.  I know the play partners I have miss me and want to spend time with me, but there are other factors (partners) that put a known limit on the amount of interaction.  I don't know what to do with someone who has the desire *AND* the time to see me a lot.  He's coming over Wednesday.  Yes, we'll end up fucking (OMG dating a guy my age is a new experience.  We had a date and he was able to get it up 4 times. I walked funny for a whole day), but we also have plans to cuddle, and maybe play a game.

I don't think it'll be a big R relationship... but I don't know if I think that way to protect myself from liking him or to protect myself from liking him given his ex (who doesn't want to feel replaced... no, I'm not exactly sure what that means either) or protect myself from liking him 'cause he likes me and just settling 'cause he paid attention to me.

So that, dear reader, is where I sit.  I'm not going to go back and edit this.... so yes, it'll read a bit stream of consciousness like, but I think it needed to get out.......

~S

I was bad

... and skipped two whole days of blogging.

I'm going to try and double up a couple of times this week (if I'm inspired) and hopefully catch up on those two lost days.

This weekend, I'll be in Disneyland (yes I know I have a problem), so expect shorts blogs.  The good/great news is my baby brother (age gap 15 months) is going to be there.  I haven't seen him since Christmas.  I can't wait..

So if we want to keep on the thread of being bad (in an oh so good way), I'll at least explain why I was not blogging this weekend ;-)

I've now find the greatest place ever for sex.  A partner and I went to the Zen Springs Day Spa in Oakland.  It was nice and clean, but still left you feeling dirty.  I went with a man wearing a wedding ring (which I of course do not have on) and rented a room for 90 minutes that had a whirlpool tub, steam shower, and a "queen sized yoga platform" which was basically a bed.  I don't think you can rent these things, with someone else, for anything other than hanky panky.  Now I kind of want to visit the ones all over the bar area and write up reviews of how much fun I had.

Sunday, I entertained a different boy.  He's *gasp* age appropriate, cute, funny, and a bad, bad man.  I was trying not to walk funny at work this morning ;-)

So at least, if I wasn't blogging, I was be naughty in other ways too ;-)

I Need More Sleep....

This entire week has been crazy on sleep.  Take last night as an example.  I was exhausted so I went to bed at 10:30.... I woke up at 1am and was awake until 5am and then slept till 9 and went to work.

That was my entire week of sleep.  The times may be a little off, but I saw weird hours of the night.

It's nearly midnight, and I'm still awake.  Wide awake even.  I'm trying to stay up so that I can sleep through the night..... wish me luck!

Must Not Fuck My Coworkers....

They say they're the people you're around the most, the people you're with 40+ hours a week.

Even the state sexual harassment prevention training says it's not against the law.

But I must not fuck my coworkers.

I never had this problem ever in my life..... till the last 6 months when M and E started....

I apparently met M at a bar 5ish years ago.  When he started, I knew he was familiar for some reason but I couldn't place my finger on it.

In that time frame, all I did was go to kinky events so I'm guessing I met him there....

We went on a company trip and I got to meet his GF...  Even J saw it: They've got a D/s relationship (even if they don't know it).  He says sit and stay and she does.  She expresses a desire for something but doesn't do it till he agrees it's the right thing...

At least I have a type, right?

E is the real problem.  He's my type physically and personality type wise.  He's a goofball and funny and raunchy all at the same time.

And single....

We were at a bar drinking (as co workers in start up land are apt to do) and I was sitting at the bar and he was standing in front of me, and all I wanted him to do was stand between my legs.

WTF?

Not ok.....

*sigh*

Maybe (hopefully) I'm ovulating and it will go away once my hormones return to normal...

I mean, there's hope, isn't there?

He's cute and single and my type and makes jokes that hint at something deeper that I want to poke at...

And we're all going to go to Reno and get wasted together.... this is sooooo not a good idea :-(

Two in one day????

I know, I know I know....

I just wrote the last post.

What else could I have to say?

1) Hi twitter friends!  Did you see the post on twitter (testing a new feature)?

2) Hi LJ friends!  Yes, I set that up as well.

3) Please, please, please comment.  I don't write for others, I'm trying to write for myself....  But it's nice to know I'm not talking into the ether......

Today....

So my goal is to write something everyday.  I'm not promising that I'll have something insightful or fulfilling... but I need to get in the habit of getting things out instead of letting them run around the mental ward of my brain.....

Damn it I'm horny...

It won't go away.

Last night I was up from 11pm till nearly 4 am reading erotica and masturbating.  It didn't get better.  It just got worse...

And I don't know how to make it better.

Masturbating doesn't make it better, just worse.

There's not really anyone in particular I want to make it better.  There's that imaginary composite perfect dominant from erotica that sounds tasty, but real life isn't really doing it.

A friend was helping and suggesting I start asking for a sadist to help out.... and it pushed all the wrong crazy buttons in my head.

Yes I wanted to be hurt, to suffer....

But I want the sadist to suffer too.  I want them to lose their planning in the face of the pain I take.  I want to push them past what makes them comfortable, get them to call as the blood pours out of the open wounds on my body and smile as I cuddle them and put them back together from the experience.

Now my brain likes to write checks my body has trouble cashing.... but now I'm focused on this, bringing the sadist down and breaking them.

The sadist... not the dominant... totally different in my brain...........

Here we go.....

Everyone's blogging these days....

I blog on Livejournal (when it's up) when I'm still processing something in my head and am not ready to share it with the world.

I blog on FetLife when I want loads of people to see it and/or I'm trying to make a big public point.

What do I do with the middle ground?

Well I guess I'll put them here.

I can't promise you all what will be here.  It may be boring vanilla stuff.  It may be me processing growing up.  It may be erotica (I've got a draft of the first chapter of a pretty romantic BDSM story already done).

All I can say is that it'll be me... whatever that becomes.

~S