Today....

So my goal is to write something everyday.  I'm not promising that I'll have something insightful or fulfilling... but I need to get in the habit of getting things out instead of letting them run around the mental ward of my brain.....

Damn it I'm horny...

It won't go away.

Last night I was up from 11pm till nearly 4 am reading erotica and masturbating.  It didn't get better.  It just got worse...

And I don't know how to make it better.

Masturbating doesn't make it better, just worse.

There's not really anyone in particular I want to make it better.  There's that imaginary composite perfect dominant from erotica that sounds tasty, but real life isn't really doing it.

A friend was helping and suggesting I start asking for a sadist to help out.... and it pushed all the wrong crazy buttons in my head.

Yes I wanted to be hurt, to suffer....

But I want the sadist to suffer too.  I want them to lose their planning in the face of the pain I take.  I want to push them past what makes them comfortable, get them to call as the blood pours out of the open wounds on my body and smile as I cuddle them and put them back together from the experience.

Now my brain likes to write checks my body has trouble cashing.... but now I'm focused on this, bringing the sadist down and breaking them.

The sadist... not the dominant... totally different in my brain...........