Scene with Stu

I guess I got to get this written down before I block it and can't learn from it. Saturday night at BR I had a date (at 2am so it was technically Sunday) with Stu for a scene. It was supposed to be a suspension scene but when we arrived at the late night dungeon the suspension set up wasn't in the room. We decide to an impact scene and I get tied to the spanking bench. He starts off with my brand new flogger. From almost the beginning, something didn't feel right. The flogger HURT (year I know it's supposed to hurt but it wasn't a good hurt). By the end of warm up I'm crying (nearly sobbing) and I don't know why. I finally say something (not yellow like I should have but me crying at this point already had made Stu a big concerned). We sat and talked for a while and decided to switch implements (paddles... I love paddles) and see what happens. Well it doesn't end up going very far at all. In my mind's eye I just get swallowed up by this darkness.... I can't explain it.... I just couldn't keep going... but I couldn't say why. I'm just sobbing and I finally stop the scene. Stu takes great care of me and unties me etc and we sit up and try to talk some more. Just closing my eyes and trying to go back into the dark space was enough to make me start crying again and I didn't even know what was there that was making me cry.....

So Stu walks me back to me room after I'm no longer actively crying and I spent the rest of the weekend in this kind of weird funk.... not a depressive funk but a weird introspective funk. For the life of me I can't figure out what's wrong in my head.....

Gonna go e-mail Stu now and figure out exactly what he told me to do after the scene to try to bring the internal darkness to the surface so that I can face it.....