Risk Aversion

It struck me last night that I take better care of myself when someone else cares.... and that that's weird....

I'd going to Bondage A Go Go but got there later than I normally do so I ended up parking slightly farther away (right next to the Shell station by Mr. S).

I grabbed a coffee from Wicked Grounds and then went to get my dance/drink on.  Since I knew C would care, I made an explicit plan for what I was going to drink and how I was going to space them and when I was going to stop.  I never do that.  I normally drink till I'm done and then sit till I'm sober.  But I knew C would be happy if I told him a plan so I did it... without really thinking about it, I just did.

The night comes to an end... I'm sober but tired and nearly ready to go.  Normally I just head to my car....

But I knew if C knew I was walking alone on 8th street, he wouldn't be happy.

I asked a friend who was leaving if he'd walk me to my car.  He offered to drop me off since his car was really close and he and his partner could make sure I got to my car.  They dropped me off and then waited till I was in my car with it started before waving good night.

I texted C to let him know I was in my car (and how I got there) and then again once I was home in bed (horny).  He was really appreciative of the steps I'd taken and I got the every wonderful "good girl."

But what does it mean about me that I take better care of myself 'cause someone else cares?  Is it a self worth issue?  No, I don't feel bad about myself....

I think it's a risk issue.  I take risks.  I'm aware of the risks and make decisions based on my risk aversion level (OMG grad school nerd talk... risk aversion).

But when someone else is involved, my risk aversion increases.  I'm not willing to allow them to worry.

An interesting thing to ponder.....

#FuckToyFriday

Since I've totally turned into Big Poppa's fan girl, I thought I might highlight my favorites #FuckToyFriday posts from the mass list he posted.  Probably not an interesting blog post, but something to come back to for myself....

2011-01-21 18:21:51 +0000

You take two weeks off from work so I can finally give you the beating you have begged me for. #FucktoyFriday

2011-01-22 02:22:22 +0000

Yeah, I know you are intelligent and independent, now shut the fuck up and open your fuckhole! You are an object to me! #FucktoyFriday

2011-01-28 18:12:19 +0000

One hand around your throat is all it takes to choke you, the other slaps your face you filthy whore! #FucktoyFriday

2011-02-04 19:33:11 +0000

I don’t care who’s baby is in that swollen belly, your cunt is mine tonight. I’ll give you back to hubby tomorrow girl. #FucktoyFriday

2011-02-18 13:40:50 +0000

You stand before me trembling! You have waited for this day for so long. The day you discover the filthy whore inside of you #FucktoyFriday

2011-02-18 17:22:55 +0000

My belt around your throat, my boot on your face! This is were you are reminded that you breathe because I allow it #FucktoyFriday

2011-03-11 13:40:37 +0000

My hands around your throat, I stare into your eyes as you struggle and fade, my cock filling your cunt with cum. #FucktoyFriday

2011-04-01 12:51:15 +0000
Ragged breath escape your lungs as my belt tightens around your throat. My cock presses against your asshole. You shudder. #FucktoyFriday

2011-04-08 12:01:24 +0000
On your knees, looking up, naked, innocent, a sacrifice to the fury. Your suffering will feed him little girl #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast

2011-04-29 20:39:15 +0000
This is your last chance, understand, to stay is to consent to all. DO YOU UNDERSTAND FOOLISH GIRL? #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast you nod yes.

2011-05-13 12:35:55 +0000
You look up with fear as I take my cock out of your mouth long enough to slip my wide belt around your throat. Suck, whore #FucktoyFriday

2011-05-13 19:18:43 +0000
You come into the room and see the noose on the bed, then it is around your throat. Will this man let you live? #FucktoyFriday

2011-06-03 16:36:04 +0000
The fucking begins, but the choking makes it all a blur, hovering between unconscious & conscious. Angry thrusts #FucktoyFriday #TheBeast

2011-06-24 12:23:56 +0000
You shudder when I remove my belt, you lift your hair so I can wrap it around your throat and you reflexively open your mouth #FucktoyFriday

2011-06-24 16:21:35 +0000
Hand covers your mouth & nose. I bury my cock in your ass you suck for air. There is none. The orgasm in your ass explodes #FucktoyFriday

2011-09-23 16:25:14 +0000
Don’t you close your eyes girl, look at me while I hold your very life, hand around your throat, my cock splitting your cunt #FucktoyFriday

2011-10-28 21:18:12 +0000
With gloved hands I remove the ginger and put a rubber on my swollen cock, your asshole burns as I force in my cock. #FucktoyFriday

2012-08-03 16:28:27 +0000
A huge hand lifts your hips, you are penetrated, cunt and soul. Is this cock or evil that impales you? #TheBeast #FucktoyFriday

2013-01-25 16:30:21 +0000
Hold my gaze girl. I know you can barely see now. Poppa holds your life. Trust me. My grip on your throat is my lust. #FucktoyFriday

2013-01-25 20:53:48 +0000
Be still girl, I am cutting my initials in your ass. This blade is very sharp. Your blood will spill on my cock as I fuck you #FucktoyFriday

2013-05-03 13:39:33 +0000
Your cunt is soaked,  but I lube my cock with your blood before I impale you. We are smeared in your life as I burry my cock #FucktoyFriday

2013-05-03 13:42:31 +0000
One more cut,  this one low on your belly,  the blood between us hot and sticky as I fuck you.  Groans and gasps #FucktoyFriday

The Wet Spot

(a bit darker/more extreme than some of my other writings... you've been warned).


The towels are in the wash.

I guess I could change the sheets.

But I want to sleep in the wet spot...

It's from my cunt gushing when he shoved his cock and a dildo in my sore pussy at the same time while I begged for mercy....

It's from my dripping cunt while he fucked my ass with no lube, not caring if it hurt or not...

It's from the one orgasm I was allowed... with his entire fist shoved tight into my pussy, the spasms leading to more pain around his hand.

It's the mixture of spit, mucus, and piss that are the byproduct of a severe throat fucking.

I hurt....

But the wet spot is keeping me company since his hand is gone from around my throat....

Hostage Party 7

I'm excited. I've got my application package in email and I'm ready to fill it out. 

And then I get re-blindsided by HSV 2 crazy thoughts. "You're going to go and be a leper," the voice says in my head. 

I know it's not true. I know people who are going and we've talked about it, and I will get play. 

I'm also not hiding it. Oh no, I have to disclose my status on a form. I already kind of told the entire Internet several times so that's not that big of a deal. 

It's just something I like that I thought was taken from me and another thing I've just got to take back for myself. 

Between now and then will be my annual exam. My doctor is amazing. I'll most likely get a re test (just to see what numbers look like) as well as the full screen and my other bloodwork. If the numbers have gone up, I'll probably ask for the meds. They'd really only be for reducing transmission since I have no symptoms, but maybe going on them will make me feel better when I do things like the hostage parties. I'm a member on a pretty informative HSV forum. I think I'm going to post there with all of my info and see what people with similar numbers have done. The research from the drug companies say the drug will cut transmission on it own to 2% (just like condom use) and the two together to 1%. 

But still, I kind of want to wait it out and see where my infection is so that I know for the future. 

Ahhhh the things in my head on airplanes....

I'm a dirty whore

Ok maybe I'm a bad whore... I don't take money for it ;-)

So what do you when you can't sleep?

Me?  I read erotica.

Last night I came across this gem.  It made me so hot to read.... the power exchange, the helplessness, the intricacy of the predicaments.

Oh wait... should I put a trigger warning before/after that link?  In general, if it's erotica, and I found it hot enough to share, it should probably have a trigger warning.

I spent the day half doing work, half prepping for vacation, and a sprinkling of flirting with hot, evil sadists.

And then all of a sudden it hit me.

I'm a fucking dirty whore.... and I love it....

I looked around my office, made eye contact with a couple of co workers.

"How the fuck can they not know," a voice said in my head.

I mean I know I can not be a whore... that I can be a prim proper young (ish) lady....

But that's more of a role than the whore.... the whore is what drives me, what makes me happy, what make me excited for the next day....

How do I integrate that into the other side of me?  How do I get that love of life, that ability to go for what I want, into the part of me analyzes every word and makes sure the whore isn't slipping out unknowingly...

I want to curl up with my porn again and revel in the whore some more ;-)

No More Thinking....

Isn't it great when your brain shuts off???

Some rope marks are still visible

I forget that's why I do it... why I do the pain... why I do the sex.... why I even go to the gym....

It's 'cause my brain shuts the fuck up.

I'm not thinking about tomorrow or yesterday.

I'm right there, in the moment....

Suffering pain has the blood rushes to the surface of the skin after a stingy hit or orgasming out of control, not able to stop....

I'm always right there... and I know where I am....

I'm tired....

... but I'm not.

It's too early to sleep, too late for energy to tackle something big.

I'm all socialed out for the day.  It was fun, but I like being home, in my own space...

... but something is missing.

I can't put my finger on it.  It just feels like something is out of place, something is missing....

I'm going to go fold laundry... something mindless.... and make myself a cup of tea.

Maybe tomorrow, what's spiraling in my brain will want to come out.....