Analyzing Data

Oh yea.... I have a blog.

So I don't know the answer to this... but I've been working with my psychologist on the beginnings relationship stuff.

So I have some data... but I can't decide which theory explains the data.

Observations: I continually enter into secondary/non primary/play relationships.  I say that I would like to have a primary relationship.

Theory 1: I want a primary relationship but somehow don't believe that I deserve one, so I keep taking what I can get.

Theory 2: I don't really want a primary relationship but I haven't gotten over the societal programming that that's what I should want to do.

I'm pretty sure that the truth is some mix of theories 1 and 2....

If theory 1 is true, then I can see a lot of self esteem work to be done.  That's actually some stuff that I'm already working on.  I'm training for a half marathon but that's the end goal of my working out these days.  I'm running so I can finish the race, not so that I can change my body.  I think I'm going to start doing some more core work, not to be thinner, but to be able to do some more complicated bondage stuff.  Every day is a struggle (I know I'm not unique in this), but I feel like things are getting easier/better.

If theory 2 is true, then I need to re-examine what my end game of happiness is...

I went to two amazing classes today by Stefano and Shay on bottoming.  It's all still rolling around in my brain, but the first thing that really came out to me is how important that kink is to me...

I think about settling down with my 2.5 kids and my white picket fence... and how that's not complete without a collar and a secret basement dungeon.

It's almost like the collar and the basement dungeon are more important than the kids and the fence... or maybe even than the having someone all to myself...

I'm going to keep looking at the data I have.... but I assume there will be more posts on this topic as my brain figures out what it wants to do....

Being a Grown Up

Every year I go to DisneyWorld with my extended family.  We go for a week and ride rides and generally hang out.

I was working with my dad planning things and I realized that all of a sudden, I was a grown up.

No, it's not the first year I had to but an adult ticket instead of a kid ticket :-P

But I bought my own ticket and my own flight.

It's not the first year I've done that, but I don't really remember when it went from poor college/grad student who got everything paid for to grown up with a job who pays their own expenses...

I think part of the conundrum I was facing is that my life isn't what I thought being an adult looked like.  I was talking to my therapist about this last week.

You look up to your parents...  At 30 my parents had 2 kids and a mortgage.  They were adults.

At 30, I make good money, am single, and live in an apartment.

But for my generation, my peer group, my life is perfectly normal and grown up.

I had a play date on Sunday which on top of being awesome, really grounded me in not feeling unusual.  I think  hang out a lot with people who's lives look more like the ideal in my head.. settled down, house, etc.  It ends up making me feel like I'm so far behind.

But between Sunday's play date and some good time out with co-workers, I'm really seeing that I'm not unusual, that there's not something stunted about my development that's left me behind where I "should" be.

How big is your boat?

Today in therapy we were talking about loneliness...

And I kept coming back to feeling like I was adrift....

So we went with it and my therapist asked me to describe what I meant.

Out flowed a way more detailed image than I knew was inside of my head.

I'm not in a boat... I'm in an emergency raft.  There's no propulsion, but I won't get swamped.  There's no luxury food or anything really fun.

But I'll survive.

"Are you alone in your raft?" asked the doc.

I am... but other boats do keep passing by.  Sometimes you're riding the same wave; sometimes the waves push you apart.

It's like even when riding the same wave, I keep all of my stuff neatly organized inside my own raft.  Others see my raft and acknowledge its/my presence, but have no clue what goes on inside.

"Is everyone in a raft?" she inquired.

I imagine that people are on different types of boats.  Some share their boat with someone else, a partner, a lover, a family, etc.  Some are on big boats with propulsion while others still  drift in the currents like I seem to.

"Well do you ever try to call out for help?"

And then I realized that I'm scared I'll swamp someone else's boat.

It's like I can't tell how big someone's boat is.  It's like I'm scared to send up emergency flares because someone else in a raft might hurt/injury themselves trying to help or they're get there and I'll swamp their raft/boat with all of my crap....

So I sit in my raft making superficial connections when the waves push me against someone else... but I keep drifting off just me, alone, in my raft.

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It was pretty intense how quickly I unpacked this whole elaborate analogy of my life.

Feeding the Introvert

Sometimes blogging takes chocolate and tissues.

So I had therapy today like I do every Wednesday.  It's hard to do it in the middle of the day and go back to work, but that's what I do.

We're working these days on giving myself credit for things I do (like go to therapy every week) and permission to take care of myself.

Although I've learned a lot of extrovert skills, deep down I'm an introvert.  Large parties take a lot of energy.  We made a plan for me to try and attend a "party" on Sunday (yes Wonderland) and what I should do self care wise to make that more likely to happen.

We also talked about staying in to feed the introvert vs staying in 'cause the depression and/or anxiety is overwhelming and learning to figure out the difference in those two states and how to treat them.

So I do a lot of hard work for 45 minutes, drive back to work, pick up a piece of pizza, and sit back down at my desk.

We have a company wide meet at 4 which went well...

And then happy hour...

My cute little start up of 10 people is not 110 people.

They rented out half a resturant for our happy hour... which still left a standing room only space crowded with people...

Oh... and booze... lots of booze.

The new anti anxiety medicine means I can't drink.

Except for my birthday where I skipped me meds, I haven't been drinking since december....

And there weren't any non alcoholic drinks.

Pitchers of margaritas (two kinds), sangria, and ice buckets full of beer.

"Oh go to the other side of the place and just say you're with the group and order a soda," I was told.  I gathered one of the 3 other people I know at the company that don't drink and headed to the bar... where we waited for 10 minutes without being acknowledged.

So I give up and am making my rounds to head out.

"stay and have fun" says one co worker gesturing with their glass.

"Why are you leaving so early" says another trying to get me to stay.

Now I'm trying not to break down before i get to the door.

'cause I don't belong.

I don't have the reserves to deal with this many people and this much alcohol that I can't have without easy options.

I make it outside and go back to the (empty) office to make it look like i haven't been crying.

I make it to the car and drive home to call my mommy (which fixes everything).

Self improvement is damn hard.  How do people have time for it and a job and other commitments?

I just wish I didn't feel so broken.. that it didn't take so much effort just to function.

My therapist helps a huge deal.  She pointed out that as an introvert, sitting in an open office layout 50 hours a week is really draining... no wonder I don't want to do anything on the weekends and spend Friday night just trying to finally clear my head.

I wish I was sometimes still numb.. that I could playing along and hide in plain site and not feel a huge weight on my chest while I did it.

It's just getting so hard to feign interests any more... it takes so much effort...

And with everything else.. my reserves are shot.

A practicing submissive

So.......

I keep staring at a blank blog post.

This has been trying to come out of my brain for a while....

And yet I sit here staring at the blankness hoping something will start to trickle out.

.

.

.

.

I don't feel submissive anymore.

.

.

.

.

That was harder to get out than I thought it would be.

It started when the SF Service Salon group started last year.  Several people pointed it out to me as something that would be up my alley.

It totally, on paper, looked like something that would interest me... but I had this deep visceral dislike of the whole thing.

At the time I saw it as a fundamental difference in opinions in service and submission.  I don't get filled at all from service by itself.  What's filling (what was filling?) to me was the service and the symbiotic relationship with the individual.

It's like boot blacking.  Blacking at a stand is about providing a service... and you get tipped for that service.  I'm a jovial happy person, but not particularly submissive.

Doing Sir's (a hypothetical Sir of course since I don't have one) booth in the privacy of home is completely different.  It's a back and forth of energy between two people and the boots is just the medium for that exchange.

So fast forward months... add in two or three different medicine regimes and two differing diagnoses...

And I'm not feeling submissive at all.

It doesn't have any draw anymore.

Raunchy kinky sex sounds fun.

Beatings sound ok (not even that's drawing me in).

Basically rough sex with some hair pulling is all that seems interesting (again in theory 'cause, well, I suck at scheduling).

Well and then not rough, vanilla-ish sex sounds good too.

Everything else just seems.... fake?

No that's not the feeling....

shallow?

empty?

unfulfilling?

None of those are right but the right words doesn't want to come out (and forcing it just makes it burry down deeper in my sub conscious).

I also have some friends who gave up on kink.... and seem to be really happy.  They decided it wasn't worth it and gave the husband/kids track a try and seem to have more fulfilling lives (yea I know grass is greener but hey, this is my pity party so I'm allowed to admire that grass).

It's also just not been a great time to be kinky.  I've purposely stayed the fuck out of all of the drama on fetlife.  It just seems like... like power struggles and feelings of community... where no community exists.  I never ever went to an event and thought I wasn't 100% responsible for my person, that I wasn't the only person who would stick up for me, but that's just me.

It just makes me want to run away screaming from everything kinky and make do with my occasional (very occasional) fucks with kink-light boys.

But I'm not very submissive.... it feels like a role I played for a dozen or so years on a show that's been canceled...

Med Changes

So I'm not a week off of the mood stabilizer.

I don't feel flat anymore... I get the normal ups and downs of life.

I'm not nearly as tired as I was (though I'm still sleeping a lot).

My sex drive is back with a vengeance.

-BUT-

I can't sleep through the night to save my life.  I'm at only one wake up around 3 am.

I'm still tired which may be the anti anxiety or the not sleeping through the night.

I still have no tolerance for drama, foolishness, some silliness, or conflict.  The good is it doesn't affect me.  The bad is I just pack up and walk away from all of it.

Another week on this and then we see the doc about what he thinks we should try next...

Blank Canvas

I'm not sure what's going to come out here.

Sometimes you just start writing 'cause you can tell something wants out but you're not 100% sure what it may be.

It's before 8pm on a Friday night and I'm ready for bed.  I'd say it was lame except it makes me feel happy.

Tryst is tonight at the Citadel.  I kind of wish I had the energy for it...

But I also  know that I'm not really in a place to be trying to meet new people.

I haven't broached poly yet with my new psychologist.  We're just starting to work on some identity stuff and relationship stuff so we're eventually going to get close to it.

We did start looking at what is important to me.  I feel bad saying no if a relationship looks good on paper but I don't get any kind of "spark."  She thinks that spark/chemistry is important to me and that it's more than ok to take a couple of dates to see if it's there.

But we both agree that I've got bigger fish to fry more immediately.  I see the new psychiatrist on Monday.  I think I want completely off the mood stabilizer and them maybe a different anti anxiety drug...

I've also in all aspects need to work on taking care of me... eating, sleeping, meditation, exercise (once I'm not exhausted all the time), and not letting my care-taking nature drain me.

I forget it all the time... but I'm an introvert...  I sit at work in an open office layout with people around all the time...  That's really draining.  I'm taking Monday off (for the doctor and some other fun stuff) but am working Sunday in exchange.  I'm kind of excited for the quiet and how much work I might get done.

The introvert needs to be charged more often and it's been dragging me home alone away from people until it gets what it needs.

And the dating won't happen till the meds are changed and the introvert is re-charged.

And then we'll address poly.

Well maybe...

I'm not looking to find more secondary guys.  I really enjoy the ones I've got.. the play partners, the out of town people, the locals, the fuck buddies...  Whatever you call them, they're great.

What I'm looking for looks enough like a "regular" (not the right word) boyfriend that I can frame it that way with the psychologist and then adjust it to what I need if I don't feel the need to discuss poly with her.  Right now I don't, mostly 'cause that's not what's causing me any sort of mental load.

We'll see....

This took 45 minutes to come out... I think I'll stop now.... but we'll see if more decides to drip out of my brain over the course of the weekend....